Donald Trump Has Great Insight Into His Voters, And That Insight Is 'Eggs'

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Donald Trump gives Easter remarks while standing next to a creepy human-sized creature with features frozen in place whose skills are mostly limited to waving. Also, there’s someone in a bunny costume.

It was Monday, the day of the annual White House Easter egg roll, and President Trump was focused on talking about a very important voter demographic that he is sure he carried in 2024: people who “do eggs.”

Wait, what? No, that’s really what he said.

It makes sense when you think about how his failing, moldy brain works. He knew he was attending an Easter egg roll. This made him think of the canard about rising egg prices during his presidency, a canard that has become a stand-in for all the ways in which prices of everyday goods have soared under him, even though that’s all fake news people get from not watching Mark Levin’s show. But polls show that hardcore MAGA voters still give him a 100 percent approval rating, according to a failing journalist at failing CNN. And hardcore MAGA voters, like American voters everywhere, enjoy eating eggs like they use at the Mar-a-Lago omelette bar, the world’s most beautiful omelette bar, many people have told him. This made him think, didn’t American voters vote for him in a landslide over Kamala, Sleepy Joe’s vice president, who is a Black woman and so by definition not smart? Obviously the voters can’t be that mad about egg prices. After all, if eggs are so expensive, how did the government afford to buy so many for this annual event?

All these thoughts went into the Cuisinart that is his brain, got spun and chopped and diced and pureed, and came out as this:

“How did I do with the voters that do eggs? Would you say 100 percent or 99? Did anybody in the egg industry vote for Kamala? A low IQ person. She’s a low IQ person. Who’s a lower IQ person, Biden or Kamala?”

You can almost see the brain cells shorting out one by one in a shower of sparks like a scene in a Jurassic Park movie just before the dinosaurs attack.

Trump has always been charmingly awkward around children. He is awkward around lots of people, but there is something about children that really highlights how little he understands the lived experiences of others. Who can forget that time in his first term when he told a 7-year-old that whether they still believed in Santa was “marginal” at that age. Hey kid, this is the President of the United States calling to tell you that Santa Claus isn’t real, and the sooner you learn that, the better. Tomorrow I’m signing legislation ordering you to work in a lithium mine.

So that is how he came to deliver remarks to the assembled kids and their parents in which he bragged about the stock market and suggested that “we’ve broken every record in our military,” whatever the fuck that even means. Then there was a long disquisition on how awesome the weekend rescue of a downed Air Force pilot in Iran was:

“In most instances you’re not really able to go in, because you’ll go in with 200 people and lots of jet fighters and helicopters, and you really don’t have a chance if they get shot down. You lose 200 to pick up one. It’s a horrible thing.”

All this, to a lawn full of small children who just wanted to push some Easter eggs across the grass and eat candy while the six-foot bunny from Donny Darko stood next to him and waved to the crowd.

Later, he sat at a table with a bunch of small children and offered to autograph some drawings they had done. This gave him an opportunity to take one of his favorite bugaboos out for a walk and tell the kids that Joe Biden wouldn’t have been able to sign their pictures without the autopen. The conversation went roughly something like this:

TRUMP: Biden wouldn’t be able to sign your pictures. He’d use the autopen. He’d have an autopen following him around. He had a problem with the autopen. Autopen autopen autopen.

SMALL CHILD: What?

No wonder all his children turned out to be sociopaths.

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