Donald Trump Jr. Is Very Mad At You People For Not Electing Republicans

The former president's spawn parses the election results.

Guys! Guys! Donald Trump Jr. here! Guys! I’m pretty hyped up right now! I just shot a rare Malayan tapir with a cannon a buddy of mine scavenged off a blown-up Russian tank in Kharkiv, and it was pretty awesome! Boom! Boom! Doesn’t leave much of a trophy, though! (cackles like a hyena on an Adderall binge) 

Guys! I have to say, this election result isn’t the bloodbath I was referring to in the tweet I put out just as the polls were closing on Election Day and then didn’t tweet again for going on three days now for some reason! I was talking about the beatdown that American patriots were about to lay down on the radical communists that have taken over the Democrat Party! I was sure of it! So I tweeted that out and then I nestled into the hollow between my beloved Kimberly’s magnificent breasts and she carried me around the rest of the night like a mama wombat carrying her baby! It’s just a little thing we do! Keeps everything spicy!

Damn, a wombat! I shot one once in Australia, with the 30-millimeter rotary cannon from an A-10 Warthog! Take it from me, guys! If you go wombat hunting, use something smaller if you want to take home a tail or a pelt or literally any scrap of tissue at all! That thing was obliterated! (giggles like an evil Pippi Longstocking) 

What’s that, honey? Sure, we can play Candyland as soon as Daddy finishes making this video for all his fans! Why don’t you go set up the board? I’ll be the red gingerbread guy! No, I’m always the red gingerbread guy! We talked about this!

Kids, right?? I have, like, five of them! I think! (counting on fingers)One, two, three, fo--- (freezes for a full thirty seconds while still moving lips) Fuck it! You get the idea!

Guys! This election! What the hell? Blake Masters might lose? Kari Lake might lose? John Fetterman won? That guy is literally brain-dead! Like, literally! How does that happen?

So now we’re maybe not going to have the House or the Senate! Which means the radical Marxists that have taken over the Democrat Party can keep persecuting my father! Over a riot that he never would have started if everyone hadn’t been so unfair by not voting for him! It’s ridiculous!

Oh, and also they’re mad at him for having some papers in his house! Presidential papers! Papers that, ergo by the transitive property (squints)of his declassifying them summa cum laude (furrows brow so hard his eyebrows fuse together) are his! He has every right to have them!

Obama did worse! Did you know that? Obama took all sorts of presidential documents to a secure warehouse in Chicago, but Donald Trump keeps some highly classified material in his underwear drawer, and suddenly it’s literally a federal case! Literally!

Oh! Oh! A football, you say! Later! This is Daddy's special video time!

Guys, can you even believe what these damn kids are always bugging me about? Throw a football around! Play Candyland! Tell Kimberly she’s not our real mom!

It never ends! This constant buzzing noise in my ears! Like nails on one of those thingies we had in school that teachers used to write on! The sound just burrowing into my brain like there’s a woodpecker on my frontal lobe boring out a hole for a nest!

Woodpeckers! Now there’s some good hunting! I once shot a woodpecker with a BGM-71 TOW missile! Took out him, the hole he was drilling, the whole damn tree! Several trees! Take that, Woody! (makes a noise that sounds like a cat with its tail caught in a garbage disposal) 

Guys! Guys! My father was the best president this country ever had! He built the wall! He made the economy awesome! He killed everyone in ISIS! Ukraine? Did anyone invade Ukraine while my father was president? I think we all know the answer to that one!

And what does he get for all he did for America? He gets sued! He gets investigated! He gets his lawyers calling every ten minutes telling him to not publicly confess to felonies before they’ve finished resolving the felonies he’s already publicly confessed to!

Meanwhile Hunter Biden is literally the Alphabet Killer! Literally! And no one cares!

Oh, and now everyone says Ron DeSanctimonious is going to be the Republican nominee in 2024! Ron DeSanctimonious! That guy! Have you seen him talk? He's like an inanimate rod, but without the charisma! He's going to Make America Great Again? I don't think so! My father will destroy him with some brutal nicknames! Check it out! (clears throat with a sound like an elephant drowning) Ron DePantsless! Huh? Huh? Don't even need to workshop it!

Honey! Daddy is still making his video! We’ll race go-karts later!

Guys! These kids! Maybe I should tell them to go play in the Everglades with an M119 howitzer and not come back until they've shot a damn alligator!

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