Donald Trump Just Gonna Fire Errrebody, Let Jared And Ivanka Do All The Jobs

Puny White House staffers!

After his Terrible Horrible No-Good Very Bad Week last week, Donald Trump is pretty darned pissed off at all the people who failed to defend his perfectly reasonable decision to shitcan James Comey without giving his staff any heads up on the Why of it, because if they were GOOD staff they'd just do their damn jobs and PSYCHICALLY READ HIS BRAINS. So now Trump is thinking it might be time to shake things up a bit by firing anyone who looks at him wrong, or at least anyone who failed to ESP the  real reason he fired Comey (the real reason is that Donald Trump is a thin-skinned jerk baby, and also #Russia).

The New York Times reported Friday that Trump was all kinds of pissed at his communications team -- particularly Sean Spicer and communications director Michael Dubke -- for the crappy job they did of communicating all the information about the Comey firing he'd withheld from them. They went with that stupid story they were told about the Deputy AG's letter that was supposed to give Trump cover, when in reality Trump fired Comey because the Russia investigation is fake, and why can't you people do what Trump wants instead of what you're told? Trump would really like to know why he is surrounded by assholes. How did that happen?

So now, according to a story by Mike Allen at Axios (which of course comes with all the caveats about anonymous sourcing), there are rumblings of a major purge on the way:

At the urging of longtime friends and outside advisers, most of whom he consults after dark, President Trump is considering a "huge reboot" that could take out everyone from Chief of Staff Reince Priebus and chief strategist Steve Bannon, to counsel Don McGahn and press secretary Sean Spicer, White House sources tell me.

Trump is also irritated with several Cabinet members, the sources said [...]

"The advice he's getting is to go big — that he has nothing to lose," the confidant said. "The question now is how big and how bold. I'm not sure he knows the answer to that yet."

That sounds like a pretty good idea, maybe; when Trump fires people, he sometimes ends up with saner people to replace them, like when he got rid of Mike Flynn as national security adviser and replaced him with Gen. H.R. McMaster. Then again, he now refuses to listen to McMaster, so that theory may not play out so well.

A confidential White House source gave Yr Wonkette this undercover film of Trump considering his staffing options:

All of this firing talk is, so far, only rumors and innuendo, although according to that Times story, "a half-dozen West Wing officials" say Trump is particularly unhappy with Spicer, Dubke and Priebus. Lord Dampnut has reportedly focused much of his wrath on Spicer, who has the thankless job of being the lead liar for the administration:

He has been especially critical of Mr. Spicer, they said, openly musing about replacing him and telling people in his circle that he kept his own press secretary out of the loop in dismissing Mr. Comey until the last possible moment because he feared that the communications staff would leak the news.

Mr. Spicer’s blustery style mimics Mr. Trump’s, but people close to both men said he has not developed an especially close relationship with the president and has failed to use the self-protective tools that savvier Trump aides have adopted.

The Times notes that our Spicers is learning, pointing out that at Friday's presser, Spicey was careful to start a lot of what he said with the phrase "The president's statement," keeping the emphasis on the guy who matters. The piece also says Trump has talked about replacing Spicer with Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle -- a move that would leave Fox bereft of one of its few brunettes -- but that Trump has also "spent several hours with Mr. Spicer this week, praising his television 'ratings' during the briefings." Hard to say whether those were pep talks or a bit of ego-stroking before Sean says hello to the wheels of the Trump bus.

Or what the hey, Trump may just forego replacing Spicer, eliminate the job of press secretary, and have a single presser once a year, like Vladimir Putin.

Or maybe it's all just DC gossip (which would be a great premise for a website if you ask us), as the White House is desperately trying to insist, according to Buzzfeed:  

“Oh my god, for the billionth time no,” an administration official told BuzzFeed News when asked about the swirling reports that President Trump was sounding out aides about replacing the controversial press secretary.

White House officials are insisting that Spicer's absence from the briefing podium last week really was nothing more than the press secretary being "incredibly busy" meeting his commitments to the Navy Reserve, where his 20-year service is coming to an end, and nobody should read anything more into it. They added that if Spicer had stayed at his White House job instead of taking the long-planned break for his Reserve job, then the press would be all over him for shirking his military commitment. Which is probably true, that damn shirking bastard.

All of which is very nice for friends of Spicer, but other insiders said Spicey is in big trouble with the big boss, Navy Reserve duties or no:

“Nothing is decided, but the president has really turned his opinion on Sean,” one official told a prospective candidate for the administration, the candidate said.

Trump also reportedly likes the cut of Sarah Huckabee Sanders's jib after she filled in for Spicer last week while he was off at the Pentagon playing Battleship and wondering if life as a cabin boy might not be preferable to serving as the figurehead on a foundering SS Trump, which continues to be leakier than a submarine with a screen door. One source said trump liked her relaxed and smiling demeanor and the way she interacted with reporters, says Buzzfeed.

Then again, it's Donald Trump, so who knows what the hell he'll ultimately do? For chrissakes, The Hill was suggesting there were portents in this weekend's SNL sketch about Spicer. He'll do what he wants, and then after firing everyone, get super pissed at how badly the survivors -- probably three parking lot attendants brought in from Treasury -- tried to explain the latest round of firings. After which they'll be fired, too, and the remaining months of the Trump administration will be completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute, starring Ralph The Wonder Llama.

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[ Business Insider / NYT / Axios / The Hill / Buzzfeed ]