Donald Trump Just Wants A Little Squirt (Of Purell, You Perverts!)

Touch me I'm sick.

Politico is out with a very important story, and it is that Donald Trump doesn't like it when his hands get stinky with invisible critters. Yes, the president is a germaphobe, and that is something we should talk about, according to Politico, even though we knew it already.

It actually features some interesting reporting, the kind that just adds another layer to the story of how Trump is hellbent on never being anything resembling a normal person in any way.

He asks visitors if they'd like to wash their hands in a bathroom near the Oval Office.

He'll send a military doctor to help an aide caught coughing on Air Force One.

And the first thing he often tells his body man upon entering the Beast after shaking countless hands at campaign events: "Give me the stuff" — an immediate squirt of Purell.

And you thought it was cocaine or Adderall the president is addicted to. Nope, it's just Purell. He just wants a little squirt of it. He probably sometimes eats it. (Allegedly!) Maybe he puts it up his butt sometimes. (Bet that burns, Mister President! Alleged-maybe!)

Like a common US women's soccer team, Wonkette would reject the invite if we were asked to come to the White House during the presidency of Baby King Dumbshit, so we'll never get to witness Trump -- the human embodiment of the question "Where have those hands been?" -- offering guests a chance to wash their hands before entering his inner sanctum. We bet it's weird, though, even for people who like him.

Politico says it's the worst when somebody accidentally coughs in Trump's presence, as we all witnessed when he snapped at Mick Mulvaney for coughing during his recent Oval Office interview with George Stephanopoulos:

"If you're the perpetrator of a cough or of a sneeze or any kind of thing that makes you look sick, you get that look," said a former Trump campaign official. "You get the scowl. You get the response of — he'll put a hand up in a gesture of, you should be backing away from him, you should be more considerate and you should extricate yourself from the situation." [...]

"I don't like that, you know. I don't like that. If you're going to cough, please, leave the room," Trump said before shaking his head.

OK maybe we would accept an invitation to Trump's White House, just so we could (harmlessly!) cough in front of him, and maybe lick a doorknob or two. Anything to show him the respect he deserves.

Anyway, you are not allowed to be around Trump if you are hoarse, or if you are sniffing, which is funny, considering we are talking about President Adderall Sniffles (Allegedly!) himself:

Trump Sniff Compilation    www.youtube.com 

And of course, as Politico notes, Trump's germaphobia extends to his distaste for shaking hands. We bet it's definitely "germs" that makes him not want to shake hands, and not the fact that even small children's hands would dwarf the president's little short fingers and make his scaly fish paws disappear entirely in their giant grips.

Apparently he was the same way back when he was being bad at business:

"Customers wanted to be around him and they didn't understand when he didn't shake their hand," he said. "They would be like, 'What a rude guy. I put my hand out, and he turned it down.'

"People would approach him as he'd walk through the casino to get to the offices and he hated that they touched him," [former Trump Plaza Atlantic City casino president Jack] O'Donnell said. "He was always that way."

Yep, what a rude shithole person.

Finally, Politico notes that Trump, while he has acknowledged that his germaphobia problem might be psychological, and that he even jokes about it sometimes, has also used it to his advantage, or at least he's attempted to. Remember when rumors started splashing around about Trump getting blissfully peed on in the Moscow Ritz Carlton and he was like NUH UH, I'M SCARED OF GERMS? Because he thought that was an excuse? Because of how it's a well known #ScienceFact that 9 out of 10 cases of influenza are caused by the trickling pee of Russian hookers?

The pee tape is real, is our point. It is always our point.

Of course, the "p" might stand for Purell. (And pee.)

Before Trump eats or after shaking hands during meet-and-greets, Trump sticks out his hand to get a squirt of it, according to a former White House official.

GIVE HIM A LITTLE SQUIRT.

[ Politico ]

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