Donald Trump Never Grabbed Them By The Dick, So Don't You Worry About That

Not gay.

This weekend, as revelations leaked forth about Donald Trump telling Billy Bush how much he likes to grab them by the pussy, CNN started releasing clips Buzzfeed's Andrew Kaczynski and his team unearthed, by doing the grueling journalism work of listening to hours and hours of Donald Trump playing with his ding-dong on Howard Stern's radio show. It was all kinds of fun things about how Trump is A-OK with people calling his daughter Ivanka "a piece of ass" -- because he agrees with that sentiment -- and how 30-year-old ladies are great for banging, but 35-year-old ladies are gross. You should go read it all, if you wanna! (CNN poached Kaczynski and his researchers from Buzzfeed just in time for the election. Good job, CNN.)

But here is a fun thing from that treasure trove, highlighted by Noah Michelson over at Huffington Post. In a discussion about Tiger Woods's sex scandals, Trump revealed he has never, not once in his whole life, while doing sex to a lady, accidentally fantasized about doing sex to a man. Sorry, Milo from Breitbart! 

Big transcript, because why not:

</center> <p/><blockquote>TRUMP: One thing we have learned about Tiger woods, he is definitely not gay. Do you agree with that? <p>STERN: Absolutely not gay. </p><p>TRUMP: I remember you interviewed, one of the greatest interviews of all time, you interviewed a guy who was saying he only had one or two events with a man, but that he wasn't gay. You said anybody that had one or two events with a man is gay. Okay? </p><p>STERN: Absolutely! You know it and I know it. How many events have you had with a man? </p><p>TRUMP: Zero. </p><p>STERN: Exactly. </p><p>TRUMP: Not even a thought! </p><p>STERN: You're a real man! [<em>oh fuck off Stern</em>. - ed.] </p><p>TRUMP: With all that I've had, I've never had a thought. There's never been like a big thought process [<em>no one accused him of that</em> - ed.], you know ... </p><p>STERN: Even when you were young, let's say a priest or something? Prep school boner fight ... </p><p>TRUMP: Never even like a thought. In other words ... let's put it this way, <em>during</em> the event, right? There's never a thought of Jimmy or Ronald or any of that, no. No thoughts. </p><p>STERN: Isn't it true when you were at prep school there was a boner fight ... </p><p>TRUMP: No.</p></blockquote> <p>?!?!?!?!?!?!?! </p><p>Whew! OK! </p><p>So, <em>allegedly</em>, according to Donald Trump, who lies without remorse, he has never done a gay in his brain or with his penis. He never had a boner fight at prep school, but Wonket cannot report whether that's because Trump can't get boners (which would explain his personality), or because he always got picked last for boner fighting teams when he was a kid. He never did sex with a priest, and when he's making yooge sex to women, he never pictures Jimmy or Ronald, or even other guys who have the same first names as American presidents. No sudden fantasies about Grover or wet dreams about Franklin Delano. </p><p>[wonkbar]<a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/trump-debuts-new-campaign-slogan-grab-them-by-the-pussy"></a>[/wonkbar]And Trump definitely has never found himself so attracted to a hot married guy that he "moved on him like a bitch" or took him <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/trump-debuts-new-campaign-slogan-grab-them-by-the-pussy">furniture shopping.</a> He's never popped emergency Tic Tacs because he might not be able to keep himself from kissing Derek or Matthew. </p><p>And he's never grabbed them by the dick. Certainly not. </p><p>[wonkbar]<a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/donald-trump-doesnt-think-megyn-kelly-is-bangable-like-his-daughter-ivanka"></a>[/wonkbar]Oh, oh, oh, and he's definitely never said anything about how if Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump weren't his sons, he <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/donald-trump-doesnt-think-megyn-kelly-is-bangable-like-his-daughter-ivanka">might be gay-banging them,</a> because they are such hot pieces. </p><p>Nope. </p><p>Not never. </p><p>Now, according to a <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-apprentice-transcript_us_57fbc511e4b0e655eab65823" target="_blank">recently released transcript</a> from season 9 of "The Apprentice," Trump was reportedly totally grossed out by the skin of this country singer Emily West, and remarked that, as gay as he IS NOT, country singer Luke Bryan, who was also on the show, was "better looking" than Emily. </p><p><img id="9b0f3" data-rm-shortcode-id="a6da3bbb79e3ac1c9271d5d766e4b4a1" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" class="rm-shortcode " loading="lazy" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xNzY3MjAwMy9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc0NjQ4NTUxOX0.I1wJcTCdAu0QGMNapLcLGUOenGxAgJAATEmv3G9FHlw/img.png?width=980" /> </p><p>But Trump didn't grab him by the dick. </p><p>Allegedly. </p><p>[<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/08/politics/trump-on-howard-stern/index.html?adkey=bn" target="_blank">CNN</a> / <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-howard-stern-gay-thought_us_57fbc2e3e4b0e655eab6535f?3iacskp8xjt7w4s4i">Huffington Post</a>]</p>