Doug Mastriano's Voters Gonna Be Very Hungry Losers Come November

So this is one way to campaign.

Things are not going well for Pennsylvania Republican gubernatorial candidate Doug Mastriano. He is a nutcase and people hate him. He is all up QAnon's ass and he thinks you can pray away the gay and he chartered buses for Donald Trump's coup and he's just a white Christian fascist all around. Oh yeah, he thinks abortion is just like the Holocaust, and he thinks people who have abortions should be charged with murder.

There is nothing redeeming about this man. If you've never heard this moron talk, listen to this moron talk. 

Now the Philadelphia Inquirer reports that Mastriano, who is sucking ass in the polls and has no dollars — his opponent Josh Shapiro has a double-digit lead and Mastriano's campaign is just for shit — is begging his followers to go on a religious hunger strike until the election, so they can all be hungry hungry hippos together when God forsakes Mastriano and he loses. This comes after a weekend rally that was attended by literal tens of people.

On Monday night, Mastriano’s campaign posted on Facebook a photo of two hands under the words “40 days of fasting & prayer” with the dates Sept. 29 through Nov. 8 — Election Day. “Interceding for our elections, our state, and our nation,” it stated, along with a verse from the Book of Isaiah.

“Starting in a few days,” Mastriano wrote in the post. One Facebook supporter responded: “It’ll be my honor to fast with you.”

 The post is so stupid. The comments are even stupider. It's unclear, though, whether Mastriano is willing to join his followers and put his money where his mouth is, to block food from going in it, or if he's just expecting everybody else to go hungry for his sake.

Last night he followed up with a longer post, kind of an FAQ for the fasting. It's got weird shit claims — backed up by nothing, of course — that all kinds of good things in American history happened after some good old fasting. It's got tips for what you can say to the Lord about Doug Mastriano when you're hangry-chatting with Him.

It says if you can't do a real fast, you can give up your favorite junk food for 40 days and talk to Jesus about Doug Mastriano, you know, like during the hour of the day when you are usually eating Slim Jims.

Or you can do a juice fast! It literally has the sentence, "While you are juicing the fruit, talk to God." No, really.

The Philly Inquirer notes that Mastriano's messaging has been getting weird lately, which is saying a lot for a man who was already such a portrait of mental stability. For instance, he's apparently really trying to get the message out there that he is taller than Josh Shapiro. And he's really going for it with his extremist anti-abortion beliefs, because delusional people who beg their five supporters to starve for their sake also are apparently delusional about what Pennsylvanians think about abortion rights.

If you want to read more about how badly his campaign is fucking this up, how much people hate him, how he's spending literally no money on ads, how the cavalry is absolutely not coming to save him, hit that Philly Inquirer link. Or you can just read this paragraph and laugh some more:

In vacuum of TV ads, Mastriano and his supporters have turned to an inexpensive, renewable source of campaign energy: internet memes and hashtags.

A string of newly created Twitter accounts with names like “Dark Doug” and “Doug Enjoyer” recently started promoting hashtags like “#Dougvember” and “#MastrianoMonday,” buffeted by [erstwhile stupid ass idiot Trump lawyer Jenna] Ellis and other conservative social media influencers.

"Doug Enjoyer" sounds like some sort of NSFW grooming thing, and also very disgusting. Not interested.

In summary and in conclusion, if Pennsylvanians see some hungry white idiot at the Wawa babbling in tongues to Jesus about Doug Mastriano, buy some candy bars and play a little game of "Serpent in the Garden of Eden" with them.

They'll be like "NO! WE CAN'T EAT FROM THE TREE OF FORBIDDEN SNICKERS BARS! GET THEE AWAY FROM ME, SATAN!" and wave their hands in the air and you'll be like "I'M NOT SATAN, I'M CARL!" and everybody will have a good laugh together in the name of democracy.

[ Philadelphia Inquirer ]

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