OK, here we go. Kamala Harris/Donald Trump debate! Two will enter, two will probably leave!
We are settling in to our debate watch party, which isn’t some kind of official debate watch party, it’s more like we are at our friend’s house in the big theater with the big recliners — FANCY, THAT’S CORRECT — and that is where we are live-drinking we mean liveblogging this debate.
Also our dear friend made us Tim Walz’s hotdish for our party, and also we have other foods.
Here is the drinking game we made you:
If Kamala Harris arrests Donald Trump onstage by saying, “Felon, get ready to be unburdened by what has been, and then immediately reburdened by my FOOT UP YOUR ASS,” drink all of what you are drinking and go outside in the street and cheer, because the election is officially over and Kamala Harris won.
If she doesn’t say that, drink your drink nicely and respectfully, it’s Tuesday, fuck.
That’s it, that’s the game.
Live-drinking starts at 9 p.m. ET!
8:52: Oh hello, we are here! We have had two (2) drinks and a number of foods and we are sitting in the THEATER OF FANCINESS and oh good here’s Chris Christie for some reason, oh good.
And this is hotdish from Minnesota. No, that is not a sex name for Chris Christie! It is Tim Walz’s recipe.
8:57: Reince Priebus is on ABC News willfully mispronouncing “Kamala,” please drink a shot while saying “Reince Priebus” in the most offensively fucked up way you can think of.
(We are calling Rinse Pubis, you can’t have it.)
8:59: Raisin Publes.
9:01: Oh it’s starting.
9:03: LMAO Harris walks all the way over to Trump to introduce herself. Pretty sure he said “have fun.”
Oh good, the mics are going to be turned off, BUT they’re doing split screen stuff so we can see him being angry and scared.
First question is about “economy,” and Harris is saying her plans.
We bet Trump will say some real “policy” and “plans” in response, just you watch. He’s a policy guy.
That article there? POLICIES. Because he’s a policy guy.
9:05: Trump is so stupid, he leads with his fucking bullshit about how he thinks tariffs are a tax on foreign countries. No, they’re a cost levied on THE AMERICAN CONSUMER.
9:06: Ooh, insane asylums! This is a good thing about “economy.”
Also, Trump says “Springfield, Ohio,” to wink at the fact that all the biggest fucking morons in the world currently believe Haitian immigrants are eating housepets.
9:07: Harris responds, Trump left us worst unemployment ever, worst pandemic, and worst attack on democracy “since the Civil War.” Goes ahead and mentions Project 2025, so she can hang it around his neck.
9:09: Trump: I don’t know what’s in Project 2025, I don’t read it, I can’t read it, sounding out words you’ve never heard of, won’t try it.
Also something something Trump built ventilators. Harris is like …
9:10: Hahahahah, Harris notes that the WHARTON school — you know, where Trump failed upward into for his higher education — says her economic plans are better.
Trump: I WENT TO THE WHARTON SCHOOL! ALL MY PROFESSORS FROM WHEN I WENT THERE IN 1923 SAY I HAVE THE BEST PLANS.
Trump says Harris’s economic plan is “Run, Spot, Run.” Ooh, zingers.
9:12: Drink, Trump says the only people who will have higher costs from his tariffs are GIIINA.
Person at my watch party notes that the moderators basically just taught Trump what a tariff is and he still doesn’t get it.
9:13: HARRIS: Remember that time Trump sold computer chips to China so they could modernize their military? Remember when he sold us out like that?
9:14: Splitscreen Kamala Harris is FUNNY.
9:16: Oh good, ABORTION.
Donald Trump, are you the “most pro-life president ever” or do you love abortion so much you can’t stand it?
9:17: Donald Trump just accused the former governor of “West Virginia” of executing the baby after the ninth month, AKA like after it’s born. Pretty sure that is … not who he meant?
Also he says Tim Walz believes in abortion after birth, and that everybody cummed very hard with joy when Roe v. Wade was overturned, which is what everybody wanted, all his advisers have lied to him and said so.
He’s so mad. So, so fucking mad.
9:19: Moderator notes that there are no states where abortion after birth is legal. Entire country laughs at Trump. Kamala Harris says it’s not surprising he’s saying this bullshit, because duh.
Now she’s talking about all the Trump Abortion Bans that have cropped up around the country.
9:20: Harris is really good and forceful here, talking about doctors who can’t provide care, and patients who need urgent care, and saying none of this is a surprise. Ties Project 2025 around his neck again. She’s winning the election right now.
9:21: Hey, severe anti-abortioneers, Trump says he won’t sign a national abortion ban for you.
He said it like three times.
Harris splitscreen continues to be HILARE.
9:23: Trump says JD Vance is full of shit when it comes to what his abortion plans will be. Says it’s not important because Joe Biden can’t even get student loans! It doesn’t matter! Enjoy your no abortion!
And now he’s repeating his hilariously stupid lie that everybody wanted Roe overturned.
Harris says nobody is carrying pregnancies to term and asking for abortions, and it’s insulting to women to suggest it.
He so mad.
9:25: HARRIS: “What you are putting [women] through is unconscionable!”
Trump says he has been a leader on “IVF, which is fertilization.” He def knows what IVF is.
9:26: Stupid ass Trump thinks you could do abortions after birth under Roe.
OK, border time!
9:27: Harris notes from the beginning that she’s the only person up there who’s ever prosecuted transnational criminals, and oh yeah, Trump killed the bipartisan border bill, everybody remember that?
Harris tells people to go to Trump’s rallies and hear about Hannibal Lecter, windmills cause cancer, and oh yeah, they always leave early because they’re bored. But he never talks about YOU.
So THAT was fun.
Moderator asks Trump why he killed the bill.
And the bait WORKED. Trump is bitching about his crowd sizes, and also somehow talking about World War III and OH MY GOD HE SAID “THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS, THEY’RE EATING THE CATS, THEY’RE EATING THE PETS OF THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE.”
And he’s accusing Harris of bussing people into her rallies.
And she is looking at him like BLESS YOUR HEART.
9:31: Moderator reminds everyone that according to the police chief in Springfield, Ohio, nobody is eating housepets. Trump says he saw it on TV.
Kamala just laughed at him openly.
9:34: Trump, how will you deport all the millions of people you want to deport? This is a question where you can say all the weird insane asylum things!
TRUMP: NO CRIME IN VENEZUELA ANYMORE! KAMALA HAS ALL THE VENEZUELA CRIMINALS! OTHER NAZI WORDS ABOUT IMMIGRANTS!
He is so, so mad.
9:35: Moderator: Actually, violent crime is down.
TRUMP: WAAAAAAAH!
HARRIS: It’s funny because he’s a criminal who’s been held liable for sexual assault and his next big court appearance is for his sentencing.
So …
9:37: Trump: ALL MY CRIMES WERE RIGGED AND STOLLEN BY THE DEMOCRATS!
He says he’s winning all the cases, and will continue to win them.
WHERE’S HUNTER?
9:38: Harris notes that Trump’s partisan hack Supreme Court of self-appointed dick-fluffers ruled that he gets to do whatever he wants as long as he yells “SIMON TRUMP SAYS!”
Harris explaining how untenable and bullshit this is.
Trump is getting mad and yelling off camera. Trump is not a threat to democracy, you are! Russia, Russia, Russia!
9:39: Moderator asks Harris about WHY YOU LOVE FRACKING NOW? and all the other attacks about positions she’s changed. She repeats that her values haven’t changed and is focusing on fracking.
The truth is that sometimes people change their minds when they learn things.
Harris goes back to the line about how she came from the middle class, wasn’t “handed 400 million on a silver platter and filed bankruptcy six times.” Explaining all her values.
Trump winced.
9:42: Trump: I DID NOT GET 400 MILLION DOLLARS, I WISH I GOT THEM! I AM A BILLIONAIRE! I AM A BILLIONAIRE IN WAYS NOBODY’S EVER HEARD OF!
Trump tried to say “I’M TALKING NOW! DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?” He thinks he just took the line from her.
“Now she wants to do transgender operations on illegal aliens that are in prison!”
“And she will never allow fracking in Pennsylvania!”
9:44: Trump: WINDMILLS! (Please drink now.)
9:45: Moderator: Let’s talk about the peaceful transfer of power. Trump, remember when you incited a terrorist attack on the Capitol to overthrow the government and overturn an election? Do you regret that?
TRUMP: Ashli Babbitt! What about the people coming across the border! Border Czar! What about those people? What about Hannibal Lecter? What about no crime in Venezuela? Where’s Minneapolis? Where’s Seattle? They took over Seattle!
Moderator: The question was is there anything you regret about January 6?
TRUMP: I have no idea about January 6, I just work here.
9:47: TRUMP: Nancy Pelosi’s daughter has a tape of Nancy Pelosi saying Nancy Pelosi did January 6!
HARRIS: Trump incited a violent mob to attack and desecrate the nation’s Capitol. Trump has been indicted and impeached for all of this. But this isn’t isolated. Let’s talk about Charlottesville and Trump’s Nazis. He said there were “fine people on each side.” Remember that time Trump told the Proud Boys to “stand back and stand by?”
Harris says we don’t have to go back to all this bullshit. Says if you’re exhausted by all that shit and it was too far, let’s turn the page on all of it.
TRUMP: Trump says such fine journalists as Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity have “debunked” Charlottesville. (They have not.)
Also PEOPLE CROSSING BORDER!!!!!!!!11!!
He is so furious.
Moderator: OK, old man, the immigration section was a little while ago. Let’s talk about all Trump’s lies about losing the 2020 election. LOL.
9:51: Trump fully baited into babbling about the 2020 election being stolen from him.
He says “our elections are BAD.”
Also PEOPLE COMING ACROSS BORDER!
The question was whether Trump acknowledges he lost.
Moderator reminds Trump that all the courts laughed Trump out of court with his “stolen election” claims. He says they only kicked him out because he didn’t have standing. He thinks that helps his case.
9:57: Moderator asks Harris about his recent tweet where he made all kinds of threats to jail his opponents if they try to steal the election.
“Donald Trump was fired by 81 million people. […] He’s had a very difficult time processing that.”
Harris notes that world leaders laugh at Trump, that military leaders say “you’re a disgrace.” Making fun of him some more about how he lost the election and can’t handle it. Says maybe he doesn’t have the “temperament” for this.
Trump responds by sucking Hungarian dictator Viktor Orban right on the penis. AKA one of his favorite dictators.
Now he’s for some reason babbling about pipelines. Now back to Viktor Orban’s penis. Now he’s mad Kamala Harris did a coup. Now he says Joe Biden hates Kamala Harris. Now he says he doesn’t understand why she’s running.
And somehow they aren’t letting Harris respond to that, we’re moving on to Israel/Gaza.
9:57: Harris notes exactly what Hamas did, says Israel has a right to defend itself, but it matters how Israel does that, because people are being slaughtered. Says we must chart a course a for a two-state solution, including security for both. Will always give Israel the right to defend itself, we must rebuild Gaza and Palestinians must have security, dignity, etc.
Now we get to ask Trump how he’s going to fix it.
He says if he was president there would have been no attack.
He says Putin loves him SLUUUUUUUUUUUURP.
He says Harris “hates Israel” because she didn’t even go to Netanyahu’s speech because she was at a “sorority party.”
(To be fair, we would rather go to a sorority party than a Netanyahu speech also too.)
He says Harris hates Arabs too. Just hates ‘em all. Iran had no money when he was president, now they have all the money. Look at the Houthis!
10:01: Trump shouts that he will solve Israel and Gaza BEFORE he becomes president, which makes us wonder yet again what kind of bullshit and secret promises he might have made with Netanyahu, WE ARE JUST ASKING.
Harris going hard at Trump for the way he slobbers over dictators, how he’s in love with Kim Jong-un, notes that the reason dictators love him is because he’s so easy to manipulate.
Love how she says all these things directly to him. “YOU are a disgrace,” the military leaders say to her. “YOU are so easy to manipulate.”
Trump responds by saying POURING ACROSS BORDER! and that Putin endorsed Harris, which made her laugh.
Also: PIPELINE!
10:09: And we’re back! And we’re officially talking about Russia and Ukraine!
MODERATOR: You have said you’ll solve it in 24 hours, Trump. How? And do you want Ukraine to win?
TRUMP: Give peace a chaaaaaaaaaaaance! (No, he does not want Ukraine to win.)
10:10: Trump babbling his confusion about how NATO funding works, and also how he’s a traitor who doesn’t want to commit to defending NATO. He says Zelenskyy respects him. (Hey remember that time Trump tried to extort Zelenskyy into helping him steal the 2020 election, and Zelenskyy wouldn’t do it, because he respected Trump so much, and then Trump was impeached for the first time?)
Trump still babbling about Putin. Says he thought Putin massing troops on the Ukrainian border was “negotiating.” Also WHERE’S JOE BIDEN? IS HE ALIVE?
Moderator tries to get Trump to answer whether he thinks Ukraine should win. Trump refuses to answer that (because he’s a Putin-fellating traitor).
Harris’s turn!
Reminds Trump he isn’t running against Joe Biden, “you’re running against me.”
Reminds America that Trump could end the war in 24 hours by giving Ukraine up to Russia. Now ticking through the work she and Joe Biden have done defending Ukraine.
10:13: “If Donald Trump were president, Putin would be sitting in Kyiv right now.” Notes how thankful NATO is that he isn’t president because that ain’t the end of Putin’s plans. “Putin would be sitting in Kyiv with his eyes on Poland and the rest of the Europe.”
Wants to know how much of Poland Trump would give up for a dictator “who would eat you for lunch.”
Trump says “Quiet, please.” He’s so angry. It’s hard to keep it together when somebody is being mean to your Russian benefactor. He’s babbling Tucker Carlson conspiracy theories about how Kamala Harris was sent to end the war before it started. “As soon as they left, Putin did the invasion!”
Moderator clarifies whether Harris was sent to negotiate with Putin and Zelenskyy to end the war before it started. “Have you ever met Putin?” Er, no.
Again hammers that Trump has a little angry boner for strongmen because he wants to be one, and doesn’t care about democracy.
10:18: Trump interrupts to remind everyone once again what a non-ally he is to our NATO allies.
Now we move on to Afghanistan. Harris says it was a good thing to end that war, and that there are now no American boots on the ground in a warzone. Notes that part of what happened with the Biden withdrawal of Afghanistan partially happened how it happened because Mr. Art of the Deal made such a shitty fucking deal with the Taliban, that he invited them to Camp David like a fucking chump.
Pretty sure she just almost called him a motherfucker, but instead she called him a “ … former president.”
10:21: Trump says he dealt with the Taliban real well because he said HEY ABDUL, don’t kill the Americans! Don’t do it! And babble babble babble and he is so fucking lost.
Moderator is bored.
10:22: Moderator: You said Kamala Harris just became Black. What was that about?
TRUMP: I don’t care if she’s Black! She can be Black if she wants! I read that she wasn’t! Then I read that she was!
HARRIS: What a weird fucking racist. Remember how Trump got his start by refusing to rent apartments to Black people. Then he called for the execution of the Central Park Five in the newspaper, even though we totally knew at that point that they were innocent. Remember the birther shit? America wants better than this. Wants better than YOU.
10:25: Why do the moderators keep letting him have an extra minute when he interrupts? He’s literally trying to justify his actions with the Central Park Five, Jeuss Christ. But besides that, he’s just interrupting so he can babble because he has to have the last word.
Trump just claimed that Kamala Harris says she doesn’t know Joe Biden.
“Clearly I am not Joe Biden,” says Harris, and that she offers a new generation of leadership. (He’s old and senile and smells weird, we hear.)
Trump jumps in to scream that KAMALA IS GOING TO CONFISCATE EVERYBODY’S GUN.
And they won’t let her cut in to say “that’s bullshit.”
10:28: Moderator: Hey did you ever figure out what you were going to replace Obamacare with?
Trump says he SAVED OBAMACARE! He did the RIGHT THING.
But yes he wants to repeal it, they’re looking at things, they’ll let you know sometime, or not.
10:30: Kamala Harris, you flip-flopped on Medicare for All and private insurance!
HARRIS: Lemme talk about the bullshit he said about guns. Tim Walz and I are both gun owners. OK, lemme tell you about his bullshit about Obamacare.
Talking about what happened when Trump tried to repeal Obamacare, and John McCain, who still lives rent-free in Trump’s head even in death, killed it. She’s leading him into a trap, because it’s easy to do that.
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10:33: Trump yells “SHE MADE A MISTAKE!” and the fucking moderators fucking let him interrupt again.
10:34: Climate change, what will you do about it?
HARRIS: Dipshit over here says it’s a hoax. During the Biden administration we’ve invested a trillion bucks in clean energy. We’re opening up factories around the world. We have to support American industry and keep manufacturing jobs to fight this. Etc.
TRUMP: The jobs are going to GIIIIIIINA! And we’ll do TARIFFS!
He should say something about people pouring over the border again, that was good the first 48 times randomly.
Now he’s babbling about Hunter Biden and the mayor of Moscow’s wife.
And it’s a break, and then closing statements!
10:41: Closing statement from Harris first.
HARRIS: Two visions for the country. Mine, and whatever the fuck that shit was. But we’re not going back. Positivity, positivity, small businesses, TRANSGENDER HOUSEPETS!, just kidding, she did not confess to transgender housepets, abortion, I’m a prosecutor, attorney general, senator, and I have only ever had one client: the people. President for all Americans.
TRUMP: I’m so mad at her! Why hasn’t she done all these things already? You believe in “We’re not gonna frack!” Why didn’t she do the things? Failing nation! Failing nation! Laughed at! The leaders laugh at us! They call me! (Dictators who make him tingle right in his privates.) Kamala gave the military to Afghanistan. POURING OVER THE BORDER! POURING OVER THE BORDER!
Uhhhhhhh …
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It seems like VP Harris has figured out how to crack the Gish Gallop - goad the bull, matador-like, into charging into weird and obviously false material. The gallop debunks itself.
I have to say good job ABC, what the hell happened? Did not have you guys fact checking his lying ass on my Bingo card.