Highway Bureaucrats: Drugged Up Drivers Crash and Die a Lot

• One-third of all drivers who die in automobile accidents test positive for some kind of drug, and "the presence of all types of drugs in fatal crashes has increased 5 percent in the past five years," according to the National Highway Transportation Safety Administration. This is easily explained by the fact that Americans would be totally incapable of coping with their monotonous, mostly disappointing lives without swallowing hundreds of milligrams of Alprazolam & Self-Pity (Extended Release) every single day. Government Drug Lord Gil Kerlikowske says that this data "should serve as a wakeup call," but who wants to wake up from a delicious Hydrocodone haze? If anything, this should serve as just another reason to drink more Fentanyl for breakfast. (But also: Mr. Kerlikowske once said that Four Loko is against the law, so he is probably a moron.) Anyway, here's to a nation of FDA Regulated Junkies, constantly killing themselves as they zoom across endless expanses of asphalt and roadkill. Cheers! [ USA Today / CNN ]

• Obama will probably arrest Julian Assange, for invading the government's privacy. Meanwhile, Assange might move to Ecuador? [ McClatchy ]

• "A new report shows the number of so-called 'dropout factory' high schools in the United States has declined since 2002." But don't worry, many of these factories are still working at full capacity. [ Chicago Tribune ]