Dunkin' Just Wondering If Canadian Boycott Includes Delicious Donuts
Hey, the second try could be the charm!
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
This is generally good advice, but maybe not so much if preparing to open hundreds of fast food outlets in a country that already gave the franchise a pass well before Canadians began boycotting US businesses as a matter of principle.
The decision to try to resurrect an American chain that isn’t even Arby’s might seem rash even if the fear and loathing hadn’t reached the point where Las Vegas casinos are offering Canadian money at par to lure us back.
But Peter Mammas — the patriarch of a restaurant conglomerate called Foodtastic — thinks he knows best and wants to make Canada eat Munchkins again. Never mind that we’re so closely identified with a mediocre coffee outlet that we mark highway distances by how many Tim Hortons stops there are along the way. Or that our military embedded a branch for an actual war (instead of just a trade one) so that troops would feel more at home.
“It’s become a younger, cooler brand,” Mammas said in an interview with CBC. “It’s more in tune with the millennials and the Gen Zs. I think we’re going to resonate with the 13 to 35 crowd, and that’s what we’re going to go after.”
Dunkin’ being “lit” or “straight 🔥 AF” or whatever the fuck kids are calling it these days might come as news to them though despite all the stellar work from the DunKings. Super Bowl broadcasting rights mean most Canadians who aren’t on TikTok never got to watch the expensive rebranding effort with the Bennifer redux, or even the one with Megan Thee Stallion that got MAGA pearl-clutchers so hot and bothered.
Older consumers are more likely to associate them with commercials showing the soul-crushing reality of life under late-stage capitalism, through the plight of Fred the Baker forced before dawn each day to contribute to North America’s obesity epidemic.
The idea to drop the Donuts from the name to seem more like a trendy startup might help with We the North, as we technically still use the British spelling “doughnuts,” but Dunkin’ has dropped the ball here before. They pulled out of the Canadian market entirely in 2018, six years after being sued by franchise operators in Quebec and ordered to pay $16 million in damages for failing to successfully promote them.
Mr. Mammas says things will be different now that a Montreal-based company has bought the rights to a brand now offering fancier coffees and healthier food choices, eh.
“We have boots on the ground, so we’re going to have local support to support the franchisees,” he said of the Foodtastic corps, who help run places like Second Cup, Milestone’s, Freshii, and Pita Pit with the massive financial backing of two American investment firms. “I think the support and the Canadian ownership is going to help the brand here make a comeback.”
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The first store is expected to open before the end of the year with a focus on Ontario and Quebec, before eventually spreading to the Maritimes and western provinces. Duncan, British Columbia, the country’s smallest city by surface area, might even be gifted with a Dunkin’ someday of its own, although it would still have to compete with five Timmies, three Starbucks, two McCafés but not to date a single Trees.
New franchise owners will have their work cut out for them in Ontario, home to more than half of all Tim Hortons in the country, and also Quebec, which has already firmly said beigne non. They could also run the risk of running afoul of the fearsome language cops.
Under Quebec’s Charter of the French Language, better known as Bill 101, French has to be the predominant language on all public signage, which is why KFC goes by PFK for Poulet Frit Kentucky, unlike in France. Dunkin’ could find itself forced to rename as Trempé to be in full compliance with the law, although they may get a pass if the word police love donuts as much as actual ones do.
A famous quote widely misattributed to Oscar Wilde goes: “The optimist sees the donut, the pessimist sees the hole.” It’s entirely possible Foodtastic has marketing data Wonkette doesn’t have access to that suggests this might work, or is encouraged by news reports about the first increase in Canadian travel to the US since December 2024, which a lot of us correctly figured might be our last chance. Statistics Canada say visits last month were up 1.4 percent from the previous April — the same month Dear Leader kicked off “Liberation Day” and pissed off the entire planet — but still down a solid 30 percent from the previous April under President Joe Biden.
If Dunkin’ manages to pull this off and get Canadian customers to welcome them back with open arms and lowered elbows, it will at least show Homer Simpson might’ve been right all along about the power of donuts:.
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[CityNews / CBC / Foodservice & Hospitality / CTV / Global / Forbes / Wonkette Blueskies]
If "time to make the donuts" was late-stage-capitalism, they'd have been selling donut subscriptions and the donuts would be made by gig workers. No, that was good old fashioned work-to-the-grave capitalism where people made actual things that people actually bought.
"Poulet Frit Kentucky"
Ce n'est pas un poulet.