Who Bought Wonkette 10 Years Ago Today? JUST ME!
<Ed Koch>HOW'M I DOING? </Ed Koch>
Friends, Wonkers, countrymen, HUSH YOUR DANG FOOL MOUTHS and LISTEN:
What were you doing 10 years ago? I was turning hot-lady 39 and ending an almost four-year stint of unemployment by SURPRISE I BOUGHT WONKETTE, for $37 and a sandwich. Also, we killed Andrew Breitbart. Wait no, that was my friend Faraone.
So has anything happened in 10 years? What will happen 10 years from now? Do I look like a fuckin psychic? Do I look like I fuckin KNOW? AM I SOME KIND OF CLOWN, AM I FUNNY TO YOU?
Let's hop in Obama's Time Machine and explore, together!
Obama was president. Recession still suuuuucked. I didn't have a jerb because "journalism." I bought Wonkette for no money down, and have a balloon payment to Ken Layne due today , but joke's on him, I paid him off seven or eight years ago, I forget. Bristol Palin was mommyblogging. I started writing eight to 12 posts a day (yes: me!) on West Coast time, so like SER does now with the starting work at 5 a.m. but I don't think he starts drinking by noon and cries when he's still working at 8 p.m. That man's Ford-tough.
There was an election. Mitt Romney lost because he couldn't stop insulting people to their faces, it was an absolute compulsion. Like, a lady brought him a cake and he was like WHO MADE THE DISGUSTING CAKE, not even kidding.
I have no idea what happened in 2013. I feel like maybe James O'Keefe? You guys bought Dok for me and I started crying occasionally somewhat less, sometimes .
Also we got Evan! Which is good because I'm still on maternity leave until 2033, by which I mean I take part of some days of the weekends off.
Was Election Night 2016 the worst moment of your life? I think it might have been mine. That slow shock we felt in our curdling bones, the sharp THWACK realization of how much they hate us, the knowledge that we had until January before Steve Bannon would start shock-and-awe against his own fellow citizens. And he did.
More shock. More awe. Every day, every day, was insane from the moment you opened your eyes — and we began each day in shock, remembering he had been elected even before our eyes opened for months and months and months. And it was awful . They put the babies in cages.
Liz started writing for us, and every year I ask her to come work for me full-time and every year she tells me to get bent.
There was a #resistance. People got mad about it for some reason? The people who were mad about it were inevitably anti-anti-Trump (they were pro-Trump) and pro-Putin and called everyone else shills and you know what? They can get fucked.
I don't know what happened here either. Was this when Hunter Biden? Yes! It was when Hunter Biden and the impeach! It seemed pretty obvious: Trump was extorting Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden's son, and wouldn't give them the weapons they needed to fend off Putin, because he loves Putin. And now he is saying he was so nice, to give the weapons to Ukraine (after he got caught), and according to some dumb poll, a solid majority believes him.
Robyn and SER started full-time so we could keep the hell up. The world was on fire, again and again. China and Joe Biden invented the pandemic which is how Joe Biden stole the election from Trump also the Italian space lasers and the server in the back yard in Ukraine. People are getting really fucking crazy, like crazier than the craziest John Birchers who were the previous award winners of Most Best Crazy, they all think there's mole children and we are doing cannibalism to them because obviously.
Still not dead yet.
So it's been 10 years of friendship and magic, as you can see by that trip through ELDRITCH HORROR LANE. But in January 2021, my hair stopped falling out by the fistful. And no matter how stupid shit gets with Joe Manchin and Bitch Head, this past year has been better . And — I know the accelerationists, of which I was a Nader-voting charter member, don't believe it but — better is better than worse .
Did we lose the Congress 10 years ago now? Sure, maybe! Did we lose the presidency? Weirder things have happened! Are the American people being unbelievable fuckknobs? Never bet against it! And do we have EACH OTHER?
FUCK YEAH. And we'll climb out of the hole as we do every decade, no matter how bad shit gets. I got you babe, and Saturday night's all right for fighting, and oh Mother Country I do love you.
I think I've got another 10 years in me — we'll see, won't we! — and I hope you do too, and if we do, I owe it all to youuuuuuu.
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