417 Comments
User's avatar
Cindy Callaghan's avatar

I'm positive that Amber Heard's daughter (and unborn child) are Elon Musk's. I'm sure that as enlightened and intelligent as she believes she is, he would find her to be a perfect candidate for the birther of his spawn.

Michael Bowen's avatar

Young Muskrat read too much late-period Heinlein.

Daydream Believer's avatar

Warren Jeffs wanted a big house with lots of wives and children, and that worked out perfectly—oh wait, no it didn’t. :/

Zyxomma's avatar

Ta, Dok. Lone Skum is loathsome.

Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

Okay, ladies. This is your last chance. You've already demonstrated incredibly bad judgment by procreating multiple times with Elon Musk, but, if you and your children enter that compound, the only way you'll ever leave is at the behest of Texas CPS, or, in layman's terms, never.

Rachael's avatar

Please, for the love of whatever supernatural forces may exist, can we never discuss Elon Musk's sperm again?

Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

I knew a guy in college whose vas deferens somehow got all tangled up, causing one of his testicles to explode. Evidently a rather traumatic event.

It is literally the second or third thing you learn about him, the first being his name.

RRJKR's avatar

Watch Elmo try to slink away quietly when Fat Donnie loses, and instantly disavow any association with the Trump campaign

Donald Trump’s Tent Peg's avatar

Naw, he’ll be first on the “Stollen Electoration bullshit. He’ll be funding court cases and deniers on Xshit. He’s a True Believer, because ketamine has fried his fucking brain.

RRJKR's avatar

If MAGAhats start raising too much hell when Trump loses, all we need do is remind them that we have Space Lasers! ZAP! Dayum just like a bug whacker! Red Hat sitting on top of a little pile of ash

mondojohnson's avatar

This reminds me of The Venture Bros., when patriarch Jonas Venture, Sr. offered to help the Blue Morpho with his fertility issues. I certainly won't be surprised if/when a clone farm is discovered at the Space Karen Kompound.

Wookiee Monster's avatar

If Trump wins, Muskrat and RFK Jr will have a lot of influence on his regime. Expect them to unveil the plan to sterilize immigrants and the “feeble minded” by 2026.

RRJKR's avatar

Put Junior and Ewic on the list

Wookiee Monster's avatar

Muskrat is moving into his fundamentalist Mormon cult leader phase.

🍁 L Ron Pony's avatar

He'll zip right by that and be in his David Koresh phase by spring.

Pexas Teat's avatar

Flamethrowers and tunnels.

Notorious J.I.M.'s avatar

Is there any video of him firing a gun? That would seem to be part of it.

tim gueguen's avatar

Musk seems like the kind of guy who would have injured himself by now if he spent much time around guns, probably by trying to mimic some scene he saw in a movie.

Wookiee Monster's avatar

Can we skip the kid raping part and go right to part where he burns the entire compound down in defiance of a government siege?

🍁 L Ron Pony's avatar

Most people who build a compound and fill it with 'family' do so in secret. I guess Elno thinks he doesn't need to.

I wonder what he's planning to call his little cult?

Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

He'll come up with something that sounds Golden Age Science Fictiony and think himself so clever.

RRJKR's avatar

If i were looking for superior genotypes for breeding, neither Trump nor Musk would make the first cut. What desirable traits does either one exhibit, Same goes for most all of the RW kooks trying to resurrect Eugenics

Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

You want some superior genotypes? How about Barack and Michele Obama?

Wookiee Monster's avatar

Muskrat and Trump don’t understand that emerald mines and real estate empires are not inherited genetically like eye color or male pattern baldness.

RRJKR's avatar

They're both homozygous for the "dumass" gene

SterWonk's avatar

> He apparently hopes his first wife, Justine Musk, will move in

ISTR reading a profile of her, and she really didn't care for her ex-husband any more.