Elon Musk Does Lambada At Trump Rally, Ewwwwww.

Masterful speaking, sir.

Lookin’ good, fellas.

Here is a question: Why was Elon Musk, an allegedly adult male, hopping around onstage at a Donald Trump rally like the world’s dumbest puppy demanding attention?

A)    A swarm of bees had just flown up his ass.

B)    He just loves ballet so much.

C)    “Mom says I can jump the highest.”

D)    He does whatever Van Halen tells him to do.

E)    Nurse Diesel told him he gets fruit cup.

F)     Someone said, “I bet you can’t jump as high as one of your rockets can!” and he replied, “Oh yeah? I’ll show you!” And then showed off his incredible one-inch vertical leap.

G)    Someone was dangling a chew toy just out of his reach.

H)    He was trying to catch fireflies.

I)     Donald Trump told him to.

Trump was holding the rally at Butler, Pennsylvania, the same place where someone took a shot at him back in July. Former President Brainworms wanted everyone to know he would not be intimidated, but from behind bulletproof plexiglass this time.

Musk has hitched his poorly built wagon to Trump, likely largely because they are both huge bigots and water eventually finds its level. (Kara Swisher also suggests Elon is “using [Trump] to avoid inevitable regulatory scrutiny.” So there’s that possibility.) This appearance started off with some of his trademark “humor”: instead of wearing a red MAGA hat, he donned a black one and told the crowd, “I’m dark MAGA.” Buddy, no, dark Brandon is a liberal meme, you stay away from it.

Musk started off — after doing his imitation of the jumping frog of Calaveras County, of course — by telling the crowd that “the true test of someone’s character is how they behave under fire,” which is hilarious coming from a cloistered billionaire with full-time bodyguards, whose most dangerous action ever was risking dropping a sink on his foot. He followed that up by saying that America “had one president who couldn’t climb a flight of stairs, and another who was fist-pumping after getting shot.”

Musk did not seem to catch the irony of his delivering this line from behind bulletproof plexiglass, but sure, we were all impressed by the way Trump, knowing there was someone shooting at him, made himself a better target by waving his fucking hand in the air.

As for the “can’t climb a flight of stairs” crack, clearly Musk has never seen the video of Trump shuffling down a short ramp at West Point, or the video of him walking up the steps of Air Force One with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Clearly he has never heard about Trump’s alleged fear of stairs, or seen video of his needing to hold Theresa May’s hand walking down three steps at a press conference.

Ah, the magnificent dignitude of the Trump presidency.

The rest of Musk’s mercifully brief speech saw the overgrown turnip stumbling through repeatedly telling everyone to register to vote and then vote, interspersed with him saying “I’m being repetitive for a reason,” the reason being that he’s a lousy and awkward public speaker who is used to only hearing “masterful gambit, sir,” from sycophants, and whose sophisticated level of critical thinking about American democracy approximates that of a dead squirrel.

Even the crowd sounded bored, but the dirty not-so-secret secret of Trump rallies —and we have attended a few — is that they are godawful boring. We can only imagine being at one with as uncompelling a speaker as Elon Musk.

Four more weeks, and then hopefully we will never, ever have to witness the sight of deathly pale Apartheid Chad hopping around at a political rally like a malfunctioning Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot ever again.

[YouTube]

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