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Would You Pay Seven Bucks Per Month For Nothing Of Value? What About Six? Five? Come On, Guys!
Things are going great at Twitter.
Let's check in with genius businessman Elon Musk and his genius plan to underpants gnome Twitter into profitability by forcing us all to spent eight dollars a month on a "product" with no discernible value:
Worthless shit that benefits no one: now only SEVEN dollars a month!
To be fair, it appears he's been trying to push this "discounted" price for a bit. We just happen to be making fun of it right now. It's just one of those "annual rate" type thingies.
But surprise, but we don't think people are going to be jumping on this one either, because the problem with the absolutely meaningless Twitter Blue "verification" system is not the cost. Hell, all that paid-for blue checkmark tells people is that somebody's dumb enough to pay for Twitter .
But sure, Elon, good luck!
It's been a funny few days/weeks for Twitter. People with "legacy" blue checkmarks (read: people who became verified for an actual reason) have been getting messages that say starting on April 1, their "legacy" blue checkmarks will go away, and if they want to keep them, they have to pay their monthly eight-dollar ransom to Elon.
Of course, paying for a blue checkmark is, again, meaningless.
Will people desperately pull out their credit cards to keep their now-meaningless checkmarks?
It has been noted that April 1 is April Fools' Day, so it's entirely possible this is another one of Elon's attempts to do a "joke."
Speaking of Elon attempting to do a "joke":
Dear God. The man can't figure out how to do a "That's what she said" joke. If that isn't the saddest fucking thing we have ever seen, boy howdy. (By the way, Fox News reported that excitedly like "THERE'S OUR JOKEY GUY!")
And of course, this weekend's funny Twitter headline is that Elon is now valuing the company at $20 billion, which is less than half of the idiot price he paid for it last year. Elon revealed this in an email to whatever Twitter employees still are there:
The email, which was viewed by The New York Times, was sent to employees to announce a new stock compensation program. In it, Mr. Musk warned workers that Twitter remained in a precarious financial position and, at one point, had been four months away from running out of money. He said “ radical changes ” at the company, including mass layoffs and cost cutting, were necessary to avoid bankruptcy and streamline operations.
“Twitter is being reshaped rapidly,” Mr. Musk wrote, adding that the company could be thought of as “an inverse start-up.”
Wouldn't an inverse start-up be like a "finish-down" or something? Whatever it is, it sounds like a winner.
Of course, that's Elon's number, so who knows what Twitter's value really is. Maybe once the dust settles from all the gabillions of people rushing to sign up for Twitter Blue for seven bucks.
The New York Times adds:
Mr. Musk did not respond to a request for comment and an email to Twitter’s communications department was returned with a poop emoji.
Because that's what happens now when you email Twitter's comms department, because Twitter is a real company run by a pretty funny guy.
One more quote from the Times before we injure ourselves laughing:
Mr. Musk also said in the email that he believed Twitter could someday be worth $250 billion.
Maybe if this seven bucks thing doesn't work out, Elon could try charging people SIX DOLLARS a month for the membership perk of NOT letting one of the Nazis he's allowed back on the platform guest-post on your account for one day every month.
That would be about as fair and valuable as whatever he is doing right now, yes?
What about five dollars? Would you pay five dollars, and Elon will promise to tell you a new joke every month?
What about four and you also have to do a monthly Zoom chat with Elon so he doesn't feel lonely?
THREE-FIFTY, FINAL OFFER.
Everything at Twitter is great, no notes.
[ New York Times ]
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