Does your job blow? Do you ever fantasize about just kicking back and watching porn all day, but wish you could still pull down a nice six-figure salary? Yeah, us too, so click on those goddam ads swirling around, ok? (Note: do not actually click on those ads unless they are things in which you are interested, or that is "click fraud." DO NOT go to
OK, I clicked on Newsmax because I was genuinely interested in the question "Why do Christians get heart attacks?"
Or rather, I was interested in what dingbat explanation Newsmax would offer for the fundamental question of the Problem of Evil.
I didn't get any good answers, so I'm gonna offer some myself.
Newsmax asks: <i>Have you ever considered why so many Christians suffer from heart attacks and other types of heart disease?</i>
Answer: It&#039;s due to the toxic combination of batter-fried meat, apoplectic rage, and a deep, sekrit realization that despite all your blind faith and holy virtue, your life is no better than anyone else&#039;s, which means God hates you. Sorry about that.
Newsmax notes regretfully: <i>Unfortunately, Christians appear to suffer from the same maladies as nonbelievers or members of other faiths &mdash; including often-fatal heart attacks. </i>
I got nothing to add to that; I&#039;m just putting it there and letting it fester and decompose.
Newsmax asks: <i>Does God&rsquo;s plan for our lives really include medical conditions such as these, or is it God&rsquo;s will that we maintain gloriously good health? And if so, why doesn&rsquo;t our faith protect us?</i>
Answer: You are just not faithful enough. Try believing harder, sinning less, and rejecting logic more firmly. Here are some handy shortcuts:
~Find a previously unnoticed vulnerable minority and hate it
~Forego education entirely
~Memorize more Bible verses - ideally, out of context and in no reasonable sequence
~Repeat at mealtimes, right after the Lord&#039;s Prayer: &quot;Next week I will buy one of those exercise machines they advertise on TV.&quot;
Well, this wil feed the outrage machine for a few news cycles. Not to mention let crazy Uncle Lenny send out yet another &quot;government workers are lazy crooks&quot; chain e-mail.
How much time is Issa spending on those sites every day? Not enough.
OK, I clicked on Newsmax because I was genuinely interested in the question &quot;Why do Christians get heart attacks?&quot;
Or rather, I was interested in what dingbat explanation Newsmax would offer for the fundamental question of the Problem of Evil.
I didn&#039;t get any good answers, so I&#039;m gonna offer some myself.
Newsmax asks: <i>Have you ever considered why so many Christians suffer from heart attacks and other types of heart disease?</i>
Answer: It&#039;s due to the toxic combination of batter-fried meat, apoplectic rage, and a deep, sekrit realization that despite all your blind faith and holy virtue, your life is no better than anyone else&#039;s, which means God hates you. Sorry about that.
Newsmax notes regretfully: <i>Unfortunately, Christians appear to suffer from the same maladies as nonbelievers or members of other faiths &mdash; including often-fatal heart attacks. </i>
I got nothing to add to that; I&#039;m just putting it there and letting it fester and decompose.
Newsmax asks: <i>Does God&rsquo;s plan for our lives really include medical conditions such as these, or is it God&rsquo;s will that we maintain gloriously good health? And if so, why doesn&rsquo;t our faith protect us?</i>
Answer: You are just not faithful enough. Try believing harder, sinning less, and rejecting logic more firmly. Here are some handy shortcuts:
~Find a previously unnoticed vulnerable minority and hate it
~Forego education entirely
~Memorize more Bible verses - ideally, out of context and in no reasonable sequence
~Repeat at mealtimes, right after the Lord&#039;s Prayer: &quot;Next week I will buy one of those exercise machines they advertise on TV.&quot;
like your friend.
Well, this wil feed the outrage machine for a few news cycles. Not to mention let crazy Uncle Lenny send out yet another &quot;government workers are lazy crooks&quot; chain e-mail.
Up to 6 hours of porn viewing at work? I wonder what this guy/gal does in his/her free time. No, never mind, I really don&#039;t want to know.
Continuing to get paid a salary is &quot;getting bonuses,&quot; because Issa never met a fact he wouldn&#039;t warp.