Erick Erickson Done Goat F*cking For Now, Ready To Save GOP

Now THERE'S a unity ticket!

The Never Trump Republicans have a new plan to stop the Donald from ruling their world with an iron fist and a giant pair of hands. True, none of their plans -- forcing Trump to sign a loyalty pledge to the RNC, trying to keep him out of the debates, something something Marco Rubio hahahahahaha -- have worked so far. But this one? This one is really good. Brace yourselves for the genius:  

On Thursday, influential conservative activists including RedState founder Erick Erickson held a meeting at Washington’s Army Navy Club to try to find a way to thwart Trump. One option under discussion appeared to be a “unity ticket,” perhaps involving Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, who is currently running second to Trump, and the other major candidate still in the GOP race, Ohio Gov. John Kasich.

If a unity ticket “is unable to get 1,237 delegates prior to the convention, we recognize that it took Abraham Lincoln three ballots at the Republican convention in 1860 to become the party's nominee and if it is good enough for Lincoln, that process should be good enough for all the candidates without threats of riots,” Erickson wrote afterward.

First of all, we were promised last year that the redundantly named red-headed spunk-breathed goat-fucking child molester Son Erick of Erickson was done writing stuff because, he said, his "future is in radio," and he'd like to spend more time humping his wife. But B ... um ... do what now? Are we understanding this correctly? In order to discourage Republican voters from continuing to vote for Trump, Erickson et al. will ask if the party wouldn't much rather have a stellar "unity ticket" of Ted Cruz and John Kasich instead.

At the risk of being proven wrong later, we are willing to go out on a limb now to predict the answer is something like, "Uh, no, go fuck a goat."

[contextly_sidebar id="vwLJLFaBcvjVs1Ptj7j6qJfblMnvGfiJ"]Quick recap if you're just joining us: Nobody likes Ted Cruz. Nobody gives a hot damn about John Kasich. Smooshing their names together does not seem likely to improve the appeal of either. Also? Kasich knows   he can't win the nomination the old-fashioned way, by winning. That's why he started making this adorable little argument that wouldn't it be better for everyone named John Kasich if the party had a brokered convention in Cleveland this summer and then chose Kasich, voted Least Likely To Win The Nomination, to be the nominee?

After his REALLY IMPRESSIVE singular win of his own state of Ohio on Tuesday, Kasich claimed he's got the Johnmentum now to go all the way "to Philadelphia, and then I'm goin', I dunno, all over the country," and then , he said, "We are gonna go all the way to Cleveland too and secure the Republican nomination!" Sure you are, fella.

But, like, he thinks he's serious about this, apparently. So he hired some new advisers with experience in contested conventions, to help him show up in Cleveland and help him backroom-deal himself onto the ticket. His new team includes former St. Ronald Reagan strategist Stu Spencer who, Kasich's campaign bragged like it's a good thing, "played a central role" in President Gerald Ford's nomination at the contested convention of 1976. There's also this cool rhetorical strategy:  

[contextly_sidebar id="WCywS8wS2rdJGyElZarbCA7aAwN3Nmad"]Saying "we're going to give the nomination to a guy voters have clearly rejected at an OPEN CONVENTION" is far more persuasive and palatable to the GRRRR ANGRY Trump fans out there who, at Trump's suggestion, might be forced to white riot if they don't get their guy.

But hey! Maybe Kasich's plan will work. Or maybe he will be a mensch and drop out and agree to play second fiddle to Ted Cruz, on Erickson's "unity ticket," and that will work. Or maybe -- maybe -- none of it will work because every Republican who tries to stop Trump ends up getting his own nose bloodied. See, for example, Wannabe Savior Mitt Romney, whose Sternly Worded Lecture about why Republicans should reject Trump resulted in  even more support for , yup, Donald Trump.

Keep spitballing these great ideas, you guys. Cruz-Kasich. Mitt. Paul Ryan. Contested this, open that. None of it's going to work, but it's hilarious to watch you try.

[ The Hill / POLITICO ]