Erick Erickson Quitting RedState To Spend More Time F*cking Goats

Mmm, sexy goat

After twat-teasing us over the summer with promises to go the fuck away, and then not doing that, the redundantly named foul-brained metric fuckton of shit squeezed into a half-fuckton sack that is conservative blogger Erick Erickson has finally promised he will stop jerking off and putting his word jizz on the internet.

Here is his Goodbye Cruel World, published Monday at RedState, the conservative cesspool he founded. In case your mommy didn't breastfeed you and your daddy drank and you hate yourself that much, feel free to read it, but -- spoiler -- it's mostly blah blah, he turned 40 and, praise the Lord, realized it was time for him to sell his precious RedState to Eagle Publishing, Inc., which is owned by Salem Eagle, which is the same company that gave original A Idiot Michelle Malkin   a splooge wad of cash for the distinguished honor of publishing all of Pat Sajak's sick burn tweets at Twitchy. ( Nine paid staffers, Jesus fuck.)

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Sorry to disappoint, but we haven't really seen the last of Erick Erickson's pimpled dick. He's still a Fox News contributor, after all. It's just that with his success as a wingnut radio host -- "I’ve been filling in for Herman Cain and now Rush Limbaugh and my own show in Atlanta has stellar ratings," he blogged, apparently with a straight face, and added that his "future is in radio"  -- he doesn't have time to make words with his fingers anymore, just his face hole. Plus he wrote a book, and he's got these kids, and this wife, and his schedule is just too busy for polygamy these days.

For years I have said RedState is my second wife and my third child. But after ten years of getting up at 4 o’clock in the morning and staying up past midnight and spending all day checking emails and responding to people, I really just want my one wife. And I want my third child to be grow up and be all it can be without being in my shadow.

Gross, dude. Now we all have to think about Erick Erickson doing three-minute missionary sex to his website and then telling it to go make him some sammiches. Be right back, barfing all the vomit.

Now, let's all laugh at this ridiculous after-school-special sap:

Right now, RedState is me and I am RedState. It’s time for Erick to be Erick and it is time for RedState to have its own identity.

However, at the end of the year, RedState will cease to be him, and he will cease to be RedState, and the hysterical hateful words it spews will instead be editor-in-chiefed by the site's current managing editor, some conservative douchenozzle named Leon Wolf.

Best of luck with that, Leon Wolf. Hopefully, being the head dickbag in charge of RedState won't turn you into a giant "euphemism of choice related to the female reproductive system," like it eventually did to ErickErick SonSon.

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Anyway. A year ago, Erickson embarked on a mission to convince the world that he was all growed up and no longer an asshole, thanks in no small part to finding Jesus in the lost-and-found box at the Reformed Theological Seminary . We fact-checked that baloney and yeah, he's still a giant asshole , all right.

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Or maybe he just hasn't gotten to the advanced class at seminary school about how Jesus never said a word about gays or Planned Parenthood, but he did happen to love love LOVE the poors and the whores. Or maybe, given his failure to mention how that's going in his big Buh-Bye blog post, he dropped out because learning how to not be a goat-fucking child molester is a lot harder than he thought it would be.

[ RedState ]