Even After Mass Shootings, Gun Company Stocks Remain Bulletproof Investment

Ok fine, Walmart. We just. can't. quit. you. Last week, we brought you two cases of Walmart bringing holiday cheer to two of its employees with stockings full of terminations for gross misconduct. While these BS firings sat in our stomachs like Walmart brand eggnog, they were relatively small potatoes compared to this week's news from Arkansas' state turd.

Imports from China by Walmart, the nation’s largest retailer and biggest importer, eliminated or displaced over 400,000 jobs in the United States between 2001 and 2013, according to an estimate by the Economic Policy Institute

No offense, China. But if Walmart is going to fuck over workers, it should be fucking over good 'ol, red-blooded Hot Pocket-eatin' American workers. Furthermore, most of these jobs aren't even shitty Walmart positions that require state assistance Holiday Food Drives for needy employees. They're actually unicorn-rare middle clss manufacturing jobs. For shame. Walmart, always low bottom bastards. Always. Everyone else is just playing catch up.

Second Amendment Vindicated By Soaring Gun Stocks

Mass shootings are all the rage again, so one might think that the cavalcade of death and the heat from all of your pro-gun control facebook posts are making investors sweat bullets over the future of the American firearms industry.

But don't be scared, otherwise scared people! Gun sales are actually spiking as if Obama just got elected for a third term. Thankfully our Corporate Persons who manufacture guns are feeling the love that Wall Street usually reserves for coke delivery cyclists and strip club cocktail waitresses.

Last Sunday, President Obama was like, "Hey maybe we shouldn't blindly give guns to anyone with a wink and a pulse." Then on Monday, investors were all like, "Let's make sure Smith & Wesson shares hit an eight-year high." And there was much rejoicing among the gun lobby, our founders' skeletons, and probably whoever manages your 401(k) .

Brother Can You Spare Some Legislation For Poor Uber

A few years ago, if you were to tell us that Republicans would be flush with captialist friskiness over something called the "sharing economy" we would've assumed you were talking about a Maggie Thatcher-themed key party.

But it's 2015 and Republicans are all about their corporate overlords sharing (liabilities not their assets), especially if it allows them to champion "innovation" while simultaneously crapping all over $9/hour workers. And holy shit, do Republicans love Uber .

State legislators in Ohio and Florida are moving ahead with regulations governing Uber and other ride services that would designate all drivers as independent contractors

This would make 5 states enshrining Marco Rubio's erotic Uber fan fiction into law and screwing drivers out of such things as liability protections and traditional employee tax treatment.

But I mean, if these drivers really cared about living wages and worker protections they'd develop their own multi-billion dollar smartphone app and be chilling on a yacht whiletheir employeessome randoms help them out finish their shift before moving onto their third job. I mean, if immigrants weren't so lazy, right?

Wall Street Banks To Bully Government Out Of Mortgage Lending For The Good Of Them All

The government hasn't always been the best partner of the borrower when it comes to home financing. But when it came to crashing our economy a few Batman movies back, we know who was responsible by a (Country)wide margin. Yet here we are not learning our lesson like a bunch of fuckwits.

[T]he nation’s largest banks are closing in on a long-sought goal: to unseat Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the mortgage finance giants, and capture their share of the profits in the country’s $5.7 trillion home loan market.

How could this happen? It's almost like Wall Street's Corporate People are tight with Important Political People. In fact, that's exactly what's going on .

So get ready to hear 'huzzahs' directed at our benevolent Lenders trying to "protect" taxpayers from Fannie and Freddie, the government lenders who pretty much repaid their bailout loans and are actually making it rain . But we guess ceding more control to big banks and squeezing local lenders and the government out of the market couldn't have any negative effects on Americans trying to buy homes without increased fees and risk of credit herpes. Nothing to see here.

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Make sure to get your tickets to Merger-Palooka 2016

We have some MONSTER merger news. Seriously, these Corporate People are going to look like a JP Morgan and Andrew Carnegie HGH lovechild delivered in an overflowing Taft bathtub.

And speaking of chemical freaks, DuPont and Dow Chemical have agreed to combine their operations into one $130 billion dollar mom and pop shop that will be named DowDuPont. Who even knew Corporate People this old could give birth to a Merge Baby? Congratulations! DowDuPont will soon join MillInBush (InBev/Miller) and Pfill (Pfizer/Allergan) as the cool kids in the elite merger nursery school. Stay Huge, Corporate People.