Everyone Agrees JD Vance Has Really Boned The Settee With This Iran Deal Thingie
Couldn't be happening to a nicer guy.
You know that thing where a thing happens, any kind of thing, and within eight seconds Republicans on Twitter and on Fox News are mysteriously saying the exact same words about that thing, almost as if they all received a rapid response email telling them exactly what they’re supposed to say about that thing?
Well, we think that message has gone out about who is to blame for the atrocious devolution of Donald Trump’s Iran war into a shameful embarrassment that even makes Don Jr. look good in comparison. Spoiler, it is JD Vance. Can you believe he stuck his penis in a couch and it came out covered in War Loser?
The much-heralded Memorandum of A Concept Of Maybe Making A Deal To Give Iran Everything It Ever Dreamed Of is out, and oh boy, if Iran gets a fraction of this, they have conned and Art of the Dealed Trump something fierce.
Read through it for yourself. Or cheat off this thread that explains just how hard Trump got rolled here. It’s like he took Obama’s deal, tore it up, and replaced it with an agreement to give Iran lots of money to beat the shit out of us and make Pete Hegseth look like a little war-losing bitch, which is exactly what he is. It’s like he tore up Obama’s deal and replaced it with a begging request for the Iranians to pee on the discolored parts of his hands. It’s like he tore up Obama’s deal and replaced it with, well, himself.
Here’s Trump talking about how bad the deal is. Ha ha, just kidding, it’s a CNN montage of Trump criticizing the Obama JCPOA, the one that’s the entire reason we’re going through this right now, the deal that shows how Trump is inferior to Obama in every way.
Anyway, point is, Trump’s Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) is an absolute piece of garbage, a total giveaway to the Iranians, because Trump can’t Art of the Deal shit about fuck. It reads like it was Google-translated directly from the Farsi, and it’s pretty clear Iran wrote this with one hand while gleefully masturbating with the other.
The Strait of Hormuz would open up immediately, now that Iran really knows it can wield that as a weapon any time it wants. In other words, it’ll go back to the way things were before Trump rubbed his sloppy, decaying bussy all over it. Iran gets a $300 billion consolation fund, in case they feel bad for beating us so hard. The US will unfreeze any frozen Iranian funds immediately. Iran gets sanctions relief. Iran must pinky swear never to make a nuclear weapon, a pinky swear it has been making this entire time but was actually abiding by under the Obama agreement. That’s why the memorandum says Iran “reiterates” that.
Trump gets to hold his incontinent dick and asshole in his hands and try to make it home from the G7 before he does No-Nos in his panties again.
Thank you for your attention to this matter!
But about JD Vance, who caused all this trouble in the first place, by being the only member of the regime who was reticent about the concept of starting a war with Iran in the first place, but then got assigned the task of fixing it, and who will be forced to attend the signing ceremony for this piece of shit MOU in Geneva on Friday, with or (probably) without Trump?
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Well, the message that’s clearly gone out, that everybody in MAGA-land is repeating, is that whatever has gone wrong with the Iran deal, it’s JD’s fault, fuck JD, everybody hates JD, he should get his dick caught in a sleeper sofa, teach him a lesson about getting ideas.
Here is Brian Kilmeade, the Fox & Friends host who looks like a piano fell on his head five minutes ago, but he’s not confused about who fucked up Iran. He says “it doesn’t look like Iran has been brought to its knees.” Bemoaning how Iran got Trump’s balls on a silver platter, Kilmeade says, “I just wonder if the vice president, who was against this, by all reports was against the conflict to begin with, maybe he wasn’t the right person to bring this conflict to an end.”
A Fox guest — a sycophantic halfwit who called Trump’s decision to invade Iran “brilliant” — also told Kilmeade this morning that “this memorandum of understanding is worse than not having it.”
Fox & Friends cohost Lawrence Jones is just not sure about this whole thingie where Iran gets hundreds of billions of dollars to finance terrorism. “[W]hen it comes to the money, it is true that in the deal it won't be American money, but I'm not sure that's relevant, because if it's the Qataris giving them the money, if the money is still going to terror, then that's a problem, and I don't believe that they have left their radical ways.”
Nick Fuentes, one of the closest Nazis to a Nazi regime, said of the MOU that “any way that you cut it … we have lost the war.” He added, “We are paying them to open up the strait, which was already opened, but which they now have gained in the war in exchange for us not bombing them any longer. I don’t know what else you call that other than a surrender on Iran’s terms.” He noted that we’re back to where we were last year, with the exception being that now Iran has more stuff. “But there’s no question that we have suffered a humiliating strategic defeat at their hands and that is objectively just not good for the United States in the long run.”
Again, that was Nazi Nick Fuentes, making a brief moment of sense.
Vance himself whined to Megyn Kelly yesterday about how mean Fox News is being to him about all this. Kelly noted that Marc Thiessen is calling the MOU the “Vance deal,” and calling it a “complete disaster.” That led Vance to whimper, “I wonder why he doesn’t call it the Trump deal.”
Kelly noted that Ben Domenech is calling it the “hillbilly Obama deal.” (June 17, 2026. Ben Domenech made Wonkette laugh with him, not at him.)
God, there is so much more:
VANCE: I wonder who that’s a reference to.
KELLY: Seems to be a shot at you, sir. Not bold foreign policy. There’s a guy named Yinon Magal, who is an Israeli journalist who’s very close with Netanyahu, who is basically his mouthpiece, who called you a lowlife, called Donald Trump a loser. The Israeli ambassador to the United States called this so disappointing.
She added that Mark Levin is rage-tweeting that this garbage better go before Congress for approval. We are dying laughing here, this couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Vance was left stuttering, wondering why all these people are spreading Iranian propaganda about the MOU that was clearly dictated in Farsi by Iran.
And then there’s Ben Shapiro — yes, we started with Fox & Friends, rounded the bend through Nick Fuentes, came back to Fox, and now we’re finishing off with the Israelis, Mark Levin, and Ben Shapiro, so it is the entire MAGA big tent who checked their emails about this! — who really backed the bus over Vance:
SHAPIRO: At the moment, there is technically no final deal cut. We've been hearing from the White House, from the president that the war is over, the deal is done, but that isn't actually the reality. It's just not real. […]
JD Vance — and this is JD's deal. Let's be very clear. This is the vice president's deal. It does not have support apparently, according to Axios, from the secretary of State or the secretary of Defense or the head of the CIA. This is the vice president's deal. He's the one who negotiated it along with Jared Kushner and Steve Witkoff. And the vice president says that it's an MOU, a memorandum of understanding that is one-and-a-half pages. He says it is very general, which is, somewhat disquieting.
“Somewhat disquieting.” Would have been a good title for the book JD’s out shilling.
In late breaking news, Trump said at the G7 that the MOU isn’t final, and “if I don’t like it, we’ll go back to shooting at them, dropping bombs on their head.”
Trump and Hegseth are going to be losing this war for the rest of all our fucking lives.
And it will all be JD Vance’s fault.
[Media Matters / Media Matters]
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I’m wondering if there is going to be any money left in the Treasury after so many grifts, ballrooms, payouts and screwups. But yeah, Republicans are really good at managing budgets, *giant wanking motion*
Greenland is now asking Trump to start a war with them in the hopes of receiving a similar peace deal where nothing changes and they get $300 billion.