'Ex-Satanist' Is Very Sure This Bette Midler Movie Will Get You Possessed By Satan

I so wish it were 'Beaches,' but it's not 'Beaches.'

Unnamed feral kitty, courtesy of our friend Hester

Happy Halloween Weekend!

Are you doing anything exciting? I have always been a big Halloween person, but for unrelated reasons, had planned on not doing anything this year — alas, it turns out that wasn’t in the cards for me. Luckily, something like 40 percent of my actual regular human clothes also work as a costume of some kind (although I have no idea where the scarf for one of my Little Edie Beale lewks has gone).

There are, of course, a lot of people who do not care for Halloween, and for some rather batshit reasons. One of them is my favorite “former Satanist” John Ramirez, who always spends this time of year making whimsical claims about what Halloween can do to you. Like how one year he claimed that Halloween gives the Devil permission to turn you into The Little Mermaid — which I imagine would be awesome. I never even really got why The Little Mermaid didn’t want to be The Little Mermaid. Prince Eric was kind of boring.

Anyway, this year he is very upset about Hocus Pocus 2, the sequel to Hocus Pocus, the most beloved holiday movie of my generation, which came out last year. So upset that he made a video about it, and that is your present for this week.

It’s not a very … coherent opposition. Mostly he just rambles on about the term “Hocus Pocus” (and abracadabra and “open sesame”) is “a saying that you say that you come to agreement with the devil.” Actually, it’s fake Latin likely derived from the Latin Mass invocation “hoc est corpus meum,” meaning “this is my body,” but whatever. (I think these kinds of Christians are usually super anti-Catholic, so that could still track.)

I would, however, like to point out that he’s saying all of these bad words himself and thus probably also inviting Satan to turn him into The Little Mermaid or Bette Midler.

Ramirez is also very upset about the amount of things that have eyes on them (Bette’s dress, a crown someone is wearing, the Sanderson Sisters’ magic book) because that’s “illuminati.” Except eyes are also used to keep away the maloik (aka the evil eye) so you don’t get cursed. You’d think, as an ex-Satanist, he’d know this.

I feel like he might not be too fond of my favorite purse and matching ring.

Kurt Geiger Mini Kensington evil eye purse in gold, Kurt Geiger Evil Eye cocktail ring

Ramirez is also very upset about the Sanderson Sisters singing “The Witches Are Back” because Elton John’s original “The Bitch Is Back” is “a very evil song.”

After this, he went on a tangent explaining that Ricky Ricardo singing “Babalu” on I Love Lucy was also Satanic, because he was … “crowned with a Santerian deity in Cuba.” It’s true that the song is about Babalú-Ayé, a Yoruban and Santerian orisha associated with healing, but it doesn’t have anything to do with “Satan” and was a Latin American standard well before Ricardo sang it on the show.

The comments section for this video, I must tell you, is lit. Lots of people very seriously talking about how Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker are for sure in league with the devil.

The best one, however, is this person who asks Ramirez to pray for her so she can stop singing K-pop:

I am trying hard to turn away from my sinful life and I was obsessed with K-PoP.

It felt like I was trapped and I still feel that way because any time I pray, read the Bible, praise the Lord. Not even a minute later sometimes just seconds later I am in torment from the music I used to sing on a daily basis. It feels like the songs are being thrown at me and sometimes I start singing it without control over my own mouth, I don't like feeling this way and I don't want to feel this way.

I am trying to turn away from it because I feel bound to it like I can't function without the K-PoP music.

What a strange way to live!

I actually feel badly for these people who can’t just enjoy some Hocus Pocus or some Blackpink without having to worry about it being some kind of evil magic plot from Satan to like … do something to them, maybe turn them into The Little Mermaid? I don’t know.

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