Fani Willis Roasts Jim Jordan's Dick Over Open Fire
Fani Willis Roasts Jim Jordan's Dick Over Open Fire
Warmest regards, Jim.
Recently, Jim Jordan tried to start some shit with Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis. As we all know, the first two laws of trying to start some shit with Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis are “Don’t Start No Shit Won’t Be No Shit,” and “Fuck Around And Find Out.”
“I wish a bitch would try,” Wonkette’s Liz Dye said at the time. Well, a bitch tried, and now he’s finding out.
Jimbo had sent one of his dumbass anger bear overgrown white fascist coach letters, the kind he writes when he’s trying to put a protective college wrestling hold over Donald Trump’s grundle so none of these criminal investigations can get him. Pretending his House Judiciary Committee has some urgent need to make laws involving local prosecutors, he GRRRed and ARGHed at Willis, demanding to know if she did any collusions or perfect calls with Special Counsel Jack Smith. He demanded her work product, which she obviously wasn’t going to give. He threatened federal grants her office gets.
Blah blah.
She didn’t even need to respond. But fuuuuuuuuck, she did. For sport, it seems. Also maybe as a signal to anybody else who might be thinking about bothering her.
We are going to resist the temptation to share every hilariously shady comment, every time she just brutalizes Jim Jordan. But here’s how it goes. (Hit that link in the last graf to follow along!)
In the first half or so, Willis responds to the mere fact that Pissdick McRent-A-Cop Jordan thought he had standing to send her a mean candygram.
“Your Attempt to Interfere with and Obstruction of This Office’s Prosecution of State Criminal Cases is Unconstitutional.”
Quoting established case law, Willis writes that Jordan’s subpoenas are only valid if related to a real task of Congress, and investigations only for the aggrandizement of the investigators, or to punish those being investigated, are indefensible.
“This unprecedented action serves no legitimate legislative purpose and would set a dangerous precedent for future Congresses... the American people deserve better,” she wrote, quoting directly from a letter written by [checks notes] Jim Jordan to Bennie Thompson, chair of the House January 6 Select Committee, back in 2022.
That’ll set the tone for you. But it gets so much nastier.
Here’s the short version of the rest of the first half: 1) Get your dick off my federalism/states’ rights, you creep; 2) Get your dick off my separation of powers, because Congress is not law enforcement; and 3) Get your fucking dick off my administration of criminal justice.
Under each heading, Willis provides Jordan receipts and legal chapter-and-verse that, let’s be clear, as a person who never sat for the bar, Jordan doesn’t have the range to understand. (Bookmark that thought for later in this post.)
“[Y]our job description as a legislator does not include criminal law enforcement, nor does it include supervising a specific criminal trial because you believe that doing so will promote your partisan political objectives.”
Tough break, sport. Maybe next year you’ll make the varsity team.
So that’s the first half.
Page five of nine is where Willis transitions from simply being mean to just cold kicking Jordan in the dick over and over and over again.
“My voluntary responses to portions of your letter are below.”
Oh nooooooooooooo.
Does Jim Jordan need a policeman or a grownup? It would probably be a good idea for him.
Chairman Jordan, I tell people often “deal with reality or reality will deal with you.” It is time that you deal with some basic realities. A Special Purpose Grand Jury made up of everyday citizens investigated for 10 months and made recommendations to me. A further reality is that a grand jury of completely different Fulton County citizens found probable cause against the defendants named in the indictment for RICO violations and various other felonies. Face this reality, Chairman Jordan: the select group of defendants who you fret over in my jurisdiction are like every other defendant, entitled to no worse or better treatment than any other American citizen.
Fuuuuuuuuck.
Go on!
Here is another reality you must face: Those who wish to avoid felony charges in Fulton County, Georgia — including violations of Georgia RICO law — should not commit felonies in Fulton County, Georgia.
Jesus damn yikes.
Responding to Jordan whining that investigations of Donald Trump are only because he is a candidate — ELECTION INTERFERENCE! — Willis gently explains that Trump knew about the investigation when he announced, and announcing you’re running for president weirdly does not actually make criminal investigations go away:
The criminal defendant about which you express concern was fully aware of the existence of the criminal investigation being conducted by the Fulton County District Attorney’s Office at the time he announced his candidacy for President. I have no doubt that many Americans are the subject of criminal investigations and prosecutions at any given moment.
Did we say “gently explains”? Just kidding, referring to Donald Trump as “the criminal defendant about which you express concern” makes it hilariously cruel.
At the bottom of page five, it gets more brutal and more shady and more wonderful.
“An explanation of the basic obligations of a prosecutor is below.”
You know, for the non-lawyers out there, even those who might inexplicably and dumbfuckedly be the chair of the House Judiciary Committee, as thoroughly embarrassing as that might be.
Your letter makes clear that you lack a basic understanding of the law, its practice, and the ethical obligations of attorneys generally and prosecutors specifically.
God-damn.
“Your questioning of the overt and predicate acts listed in the indictment is misinformed.”
Bless your heart, Jim Jordan, but if you do not understand how to read a RICO indictment, do not read a fuckin’ RICO indictment, goddamn.
For a more thorough understanding of Georgia’s RICO statute, its application and similar laws in other states, I encourage you to read “RICO State-by-State.” As a non-member of the bar, you can purchase a copy for two hundred forty-nine dollars [$249].
That’s right, she gave him a RICO For Dummies book recommendation AND EXPLAINED HOW NON-MEMBERS OF THE BAR CAN BUY IT WITH THEIR OWN MONEY.
In response to Jordan’s bitching about the length of her investigation, Willis says it would have moved faster had it not been for the non-cooperation of certain (Republican) witnesses (for instance, members of Congress like Lindsey Graham), and makes a helpful suggestion for the Ohio coach’s suggestion box:
If you are sincerely interested in improving federal law, I encourage you to make it incumbent upon your Congressional colleagues to Cooperate with lawful investigations without requiring intervention by the highest court in the land. That would be a productive federal initiative.
That would be productive.
She responds to Jordan’s baseless insinuations that her office has misused federal grant money, explaining in detail what it’s used for. She makes clear that if Jordan tries to go through with threats to confiscate her office’s federal grant money, “you will be deciding to allow serial rapists to go unprosecuted, hate crimes to be unaddressed, and to cancel programs for at-risk children.”
(No, Jim, she doesn’t mean the Ohio State serial rapist you ignored, even as your wrestlers were desperately trying to get you to do something. He’s dead, and unlike you, Willis knows where her jurisdiction ends.)
And then she finishes the letter by telling Jim Jordan how to do his fucking job, since he seems so marvelously clueless on the subject.
“Below are Suggestions for Productive Activity by the U.S. House Judiciary Committee.”
No, really, she made suggestions. So that he can do the work. Some opportunities for growth, if you will.
In summary and in conclusion, this is the best letter in the world, and Jim Jordan deserves everything Fani Willis does to him.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
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My god - I'm in love
I want to adopt a pair of female kittens and call them Fani Willis and Letitia James.