FBI Basically Your Glue-Sniffing Right-Wing Uncle Now, So That Is Fun!

The FBI's New York Office we guess.

Are we yelling at the FBI again? YES, WE ARE. Tuesday, we reported that for some reason or another, the FBI decided to release some really old files on a really old investigation into why Bill Clinton pardoned this one guy, Marc Rich. The investigation, of course, had found absolutely no wrongdoing. Why did they release this in the middle of an election? DUNNO! (The FBI says it was a normal release, so shut up.) It's not like it violates decades of Justice Department protocol or anything, oh wait yes it does. This came on top of FBI Director James Comey feeling morally obligated by Jesus to let Congress and America know that "Hillary emails devil Satan again, maybe? Huh, who can tell? Surely not your lovable neighborhood FBI director!" We don't know what's up James Comey's ass lately, but it smells funny.

[wonkbar]<a href="https: //wonkette.substack.com/p/dear-fbi-are-you-fcking-kidding"></a>[/wonkbar]But we're really beginning to worry Comey doesn't control FBI in the first place. Remember how the  Wall Street Journal  told us that the New York FBI office was SO MAD BRO, because HQ was telling them to stop chasing their tails investigating the Clinton Foundation, since the investigation was kind of bullshit and unlikely to lead anywhere? Indeed, high-ranking officials said the case was thin at best, and -- here is the operable phrase -- "based largely on publicly available information, and had found little that would merit expanded investigative authority." UNFAIR! Those agents wanted to investigate some Clintons!

Now, thanks to the  New York Times , we know what that "publicly available information" is, and it will make your crazy, frothing uncle who mainlines Fox News and Alex Jones instead of eating human food SO HAPPY! It's buried in an article about how the FBI's recent actions have gone against protocol the Bureau was trying to follow this summer, by not chasing bullshit in the middle of an election season involving one of the major party candidates. Check this out:

The investigation, based in New York, had not developed much evidence and was based mostly on information that had surfaced in news stories and the book “Clinton Cash,” according to several law enforcement officials briefed on the case.

EXCUSE US?

The book asserted that foreign entities gave money to former President Bill Clinton and the Clinton Foundation, and in return received favors from the State Department when Mrs. Clinton was secretary of state.

[wonkbar]<a href="https: //wonkette.substack.com/p/clinton-cash-author-worries-clinton-mafia-will-murder-him-like-how-they-always-do"></a>[/wonkbar]FUCKING CLINTON CASH ? The same right-wing shitrag of a book that was pretty much fully debunked BEFORE IT WAS EVEN PUBLISHED? The same ridiculous hit-job whose author is just pretty sure he's going to end up getting Vince Foster-ed and Benghazi-ed, for writing such a deranged, "hard-hitting" screed against the Clintons?

The book that was "masterminded" by Donald Trump's campaign CEO, Stephen Bannon, who also produced the movie? 

Who the hell are these idiot FBI agents so utterly afflicted with Clinton Derangement Syndrome that they're using Clinton Cash to justify grown-up, big boy FBI investigations?

According to the Times , when these really smart FBI agents were told by their superiors to knock it off, they bitched and moaned and became "infuriated," because they "thought that the F.B.I.’s leaders were reining them in because of politics." POLITICS? The entire point of the Justice Department's policies of not issuing subpoenas or interviewing people in matters related to people CURRENTLY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT in the middle of election years is to make 100% sure they avoid even the appearance of "politics." That's because America is, in a theoretical way that seems to be slipping away, not a banana republic where elections are bullshit.

Are these dingus agents' jobs really necessary, or can they be outsourced to feral cats or law enforcement agents with a better understanding of what they're supposed to do At Work? And can we submit a FOIA request to look at their internet browser histories? Because we really, really want to know if they're jonesin' to investigate some stuff they've heard on Alex Jones's Infowars, that they truly and honestly believe was written onto their hearts by the REAL Batboy, or that came upon them through a transmission directly into their tin foil hats.

We think when Madame President Hillary Clinton is sworn in, she needs to OPEN UP SOME INVESTIGATIN' OF HER OWN, to find out when and how our nation's finest law enforcement agency started hiring the sorts of people who click on ads at WorldNetDaily. 

Just saying.

[ New York Times ]