'F*ck Trudeau? Don't Mind If I Do!'

Katy and Justin sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Gary already covered the biggest news out of Canada this week, which is that ongoing trade negotiations with America’s mad king are now as dead as Seattle Mariners fans’ hopes of winning their first World Series.

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The furious announcement from the still-standing West Wing that talks are TERMINATED came after Ontario preem Doug Ford put out an ad using a speech by Ronald Reagan about the suicidal stupidity of imposing tariffs on trading partners. But quoting the sainted Gipper verbatim is wrongspeak with GOPers now if it hurts the brand, so the obvious solution is to blame AI and/or selective editing. Dougie has since said his team will be pulling the commercial after having a private word with Mark Carney but only after it gets seen by millions of Yanks during the MLB finals this weekend, currently tied 1-1 between the Toronto Blue Jays and LA Dodgers.

So instead let’s dive into the other major Canadian development dominating the news cycle: that pop star Katy Perry and former prime minister Justin Trudeau are definitely hooking up.

There’s been plenty of gossip about Prince Valiant and the Queen of Camp ever since the two were spotted together at a fancy Montreal restaurant last summer, including from us, but the katycat is out of the bag after a rando snapped some grainy photos of the two sucking face aboard Perry’s private yacht off the coast of Santa Barbara.

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We may never know if she saw the “Fuck Trudeau” signs on her recent tour of Canada and took it as a sign. Or if her recent single “I’m His, He’s Mine” is about the budding relationship, although surely his security detail must be hoping Perry, who turns 41 tomorrow, doesn’t regularly give lap dances atop moving vehicles.

But the man deserves credit for taking a chance on another astronaut after his disastrous decision to appoint Julie Payette as Governor-General. The Daily Mail was the first to confirm love blooming between the two after someone noticed the guy in shades aboard the Caravelle, who was topless and wearing jeans like RFK Jr. ready for a round of pushups, had a Haida thunderbird tat on his shoulder:

The witness said: “She pulled up her boat next to a small public whale-watching boat, then they started making out. I didn’t realize who she was with until I saw the tattoo on the guy’s arm and I immediately realized it was Justin Trudeau.”

I find this hilarious as someone who once had a gig skippering whale-watching vessels, where the purple flag invariably attracts recreational boaters who aren’t familiar with the rules — never come up on animals from behind because they might think you’re chasing them, never approach from the front because it’s a dick move, cut the engine if they pop up next to you, etc. — and nobody would’ve noticed the celebrity PDA if the whales had put on a better show instead. Whales can be total divas! Although it would’ve been even funnier if the two were busted after orcas attacked her classic mahogany 78-footer and she needed a tow back to shore.

The British tabloid broke the news only days before Trudeau headed back home for Canadian Thanksgiving and, if you think a forced family dinner with a recently estranged spouse couldn’t be awkward enough, imagine if it came after photos of you grabbing ass with an international sex symbol on the high seas were splashed all over the internet.

There’s no Canadian equivalent to JFK and Marilyn or even Jerry Brown and Linda Ronstadt. Although it seems a missed opportunity if Neil Young never slept with Elizabeth Warren. The closest we have that doesn’t involve a member of the Trudeau family is probably the brief Beauty and the Beast fling between Conservative Liberal MP Belinda Stronach and Maple Leafs enforcer Tie Domi, a man who embraced the current Elbows Up spirit long before it became fashionable. (Just ask Scott Niedermeyer.) But it proves once again the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and Justin is only following a proud family tradition of being notorious starfuckers.

The late Pierre Elliott Trudeau famously said: “There’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation.” He was justice minister at the time and made the remark while announcing the planned loosening of laws against birth control, abortion, and butt stuff, but the subtext was he’d prefer people to keep their noses out of his own boudoir, s’il vous plaît.

Trudeau Sr. got around, and some of the celebrated younger women he bedded on the record for John English’s biography Just Watch Me include classical guitarist Liona Boyd, Superman’s girlfriend Margot Kidder, Gale Zoë Garnett (most famous for her Grammy-winning ode to casual sex “We’ll Sing in the Sunshine”), and even Kim Cattrall. (Barbra Streisand declined to be interviewed about her own extramarital adventures because the Streisand Effect doesn’t just manifest itself on its own.) But it seems a dereliction of duty Historica Canada hasn’t yet released a Heritage Minute of his first encounter with Samantha Jones, which would surely be more watchable than any of the Sex and the City movies, let alone Porky’s.

The only woman he’s known to have fathered children with was Justin’s mother Margaret, whom he first met when she was 18 while vacationing in Tahiti and he was 47, and they married three years later after a secret courtship. [Edit: he had a daughter with lawyer Deborah Coyne in 1991. We regret the error.] You could see that Pierre did truly love the mademoiselle, although Maggie, a free spirit who was diagnosed late in life with bipolar disorder and became an advocate, chafed under the public scrutiny. She became tabloid fodder herself, especially after the two separated in 1977 and she escaped to the New York art scene. Some of the famous notches on her own bedpost include Jack Nicholson and Ryan O’Neal, although she can’t confirm Keith Richards’s claim Mick has a “tiny todger” as the only wood she encountered through her days hanging with the Rolling Stones was Sir Ronnie’s. “We had a wonderful time and her husband’s name never came up,” was all Wood had to say in his 2007 memoir Ronnie.

You can see her smiling face on the cover of Maclean’s magazine.

Only time will tell if the two have what it takes to go the distance but one thing seems a safe bet: Margaret Trudeau is likely to approve of her eldest son’s unconventional new girlfriend.

[The Daily Mail / Historica Canada / Wonkette Bluesky Starter Pack]