Is Katy Perry To Blame For Canada's New Tariff Hullabaloo?
John Oliver could be right about the bad juju!
The whole world knows by now that the White House chooses most numbers for new tariffs to impose with all the expertise of an orangutan throwing feces at a dartboard, but it’s still surprising more careful consideration isn’t given to a major trading partner such as Canada over, say, an Antarctic island inhabited entirely by penguins.
But here we are.
The mad king has hereby declared raising base tariffs on Canadian goods up to 35 percent at the lastest count — while still keeping exemptions for stuff under ye olde CUSMA (the Canada-United States-Mexico Agreement) if the deal still exists by the time you read this — and highway robberies on Canadian steel, aluminum, and copper products will continue for the forseeable future at an easily remembered 50 percent.
One explanation for the latest increase is it’s Trump’s tit-for-tat retaliation for Prime Minister Mark Carney’s pledge to join the UK and France in recognizing a Palestinian state at the UN General Assembly next month, given the immediate response was:
“Wow! Canada has just announced that it is backing statehood for Palestine. That will make it very hard for us to make a Trade Deal with them. Oh’ [sic] Canada!!!”
This is the same babaca who is fucking over Brazil with 50 percent tariffs for having the audacity to put Jair Bolsonaro on trial for his own attempted coup instead of pretending treason is now a good thing as many Americans do, so we’re well past pretending trade deals aren’t personal. Carney also poked the bear by sending our military to airdrop 10,000 kilos of aid over Gaza earlier this month in a belated attempt to sorta be on the right side of history, which won’t exactly help with Grampa Hitler’s dream of turning the place into a mecca for real estate development once his buddy Bibi is finished killing everyone.
But equally possible for the new extortion rate is the old bastard somehow got wind of the buzz about Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau spending time together and it hurt him in his little mushroom peen.
Trump has a long history of striking out with famous women, including Brooke Shields, Candice Bergen, Salma Hayek, and even Emma Thompson — who was essentially playing Hillary Clinton at the time while shooting the film Primary Colors — on the record with tales of turning his rich ass down. It must kill him to see one of the world’s biggest pop stars, who strutted her stuff at Joe Biden’s inauguration but took a hard pass on him, hanging out with the pompous pain-in-the-ass Melon and Vanky made goo-goo eyes at while the closest thing to a household name he can pull these days is Laura Loomer. (JUST KIDDING THAT WAS A JOKE PLEASE DON’T SUE US.)
First Travis Kelce, now this. Nobody even returns John Barron’s calls anymore. Sad!
There’s no reason to think the Queen of Camp and the former camp counsellor are actually a thing just because TMZ spotted them together at a Montreal restaurant, although they did choose a window seat and Trudeau showed up for her concert a couple of days later. (No, it wasn’t on a Friday night.) The two also went for a walk on the city’s eponymous Mount Royal, which has the advantage of avoiding the crowds but I can say from experience is very much a common first date for Montrealers. Although typically without a security detail.
Her exes include Orlando Bloom, John Mayer, and Russell Brand, so it seems safe to say wiry white dudes with tattoos are her type, and it’s not like there’re a lot of other newly single parents on the market who know what it’s like being both hated and adored by millions of people. Also his mom hooked up with at least one member of the Rolling Stones while Papa had a fling with Babs, so there’s a certain family tradition to live up to. She’s already comfortable around sharks and might be open to our dauphin as a potential love interest.
It’s hard to root against anyone finding new love in these dangerous times but if Smurfette somehow ends up destroying Canada instead of merely breaking the former prime minister’s heart like a common Legolas, we can’t say John Oliver didn’t warn us.
You might’ve missed the “Last Week Tonight” episode in the immediate aftermath of the election if watching late-night TV wasn’t part of your grieving process at the time, but he made his own blame for the travesty clear:
"People are pointing a finger in all directions. From Latino voters to young men to Joe Rogan, you can basically spin your own personal Wheel of Blame and generally make sure it lands on whoever you were mad at in the first place. And to be honest I get the appeal. It’s fun to blame people! Trump was literally just elected president again on a platform of doing exactly that! Personally, I’d kind of like to imagine that everything that happened on Tuesday is Katy Perry’s fault because on Kamala’s election night’s eve rally, she did this ill-advised cover:
He then plays a clip of her doing a version Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” so brutal it seems genuinely plausible it might’ve put a last-minute curse on Kamala’s campaign. I half-expected Kevin Costner to appear and drag her offstage to protect the memory of his old friend.
Now, did that drunk bachelorette karaoke night performance doom the whole Harris campaign? Probably not. But it feels good to think so because it’s an easy answer to a difficult question.
But if the “I Kissed A Girl” singer has become the Kiss of Death, hopefully she’ll stay out of Canada once the tour wraps up. Or at least not do a duet with Carney on karaoke night.
[The Independent / City News / W Magazine / Wonkette Bluesky]
Coming this Tuesday, a new twist in the ongoing drama of When Harry Met Ms. Calico. A new mysterious kitty may complicate things.
I was really hungry and ordered a burger from Five guys but got chicken and fries from Wingstop . I did not want someone else's spicy chicken. Someone else is disappointed and hungry too. I got my money back but grrrr (that was my belly)