For The Low, Low Price Of $1,000 (To Paula White) You, Too, Can Have Your Very Own Angel
This feels like some Seamonkeys sh*t.
Hey! Are you looking for a good investment opportunity? Well, boy, do we have something for you! OK, it’s not necessarily an investment so much as it is a lady promising you that if you give her $1000 before Easter, God will, among other things “assign an angel to you” and make you rich. What a deal!
Now, in some circumstances this might sound a tad suspicious, but Paula White is the Senior Advisor to the newly established White House Faith Office, which must mean she is very trustworthy and would never, ever lie to us simply to enrich herself. She is also married to a guy from Journey who is not Steve Perry, so that’s … some kind of endorsement, I am sure.
In fact, he’s even playing a song on the piano in the background of White’s pitch. Shockingly, it is somehow not “Don’t Stop Believin’” or “Faithfully” — both of which, aside from being the only Journey songs I know, also seem like they would be thematically appropriate.
White explains that if you give her $1000 before Easter, God will love you so much that he will give you “seven supernatural blessings”:
Assign an Angel To You
Be an Enemy to Your Enemies
Give You Prosperity
Take Sickness Away
Give You Long Life
Cause Increase [In Inheritance] For You
[Give You] A Special Year of Blessing
Wow! That’s a pretty great offer, except for the monkey paw part where someone you love has to die so you can get your increased inheritance. She does not explain what happens if your enemies also give her $1000, though, and I do wonder about that. Does that mean God would be both of your enemies? Do the donations just cancel themselves out? How does all of this work?
Oh! If you act now, you will also get a fancy Waterford crystal cross, with which to keep vampires at bay, I assume.
It’s a pretty impressive offer, though I think I can do better. If you Venmo Wonkette $1000 right now, I will
Ensure that you have healthier, shinier hair
Make your pets immortal
Be an enemy to your enemies
Assign Misha Collins, Della Reese, or Wilson Jermaine Heredia to watch over you or at least stare at you for a little while
Stay far away from you so that I do not give you the flu I’ve had for the past three days
Let you win a few scratch-offs
Not give you a Waterford crystal cross because honestly that shit is pretty tacky
Personally, I think I’m offering a better deal, since, from what I know of Christianity, they’re already supposed to have doled out Guardian Angels to everyone anyway. And honestly, Rebecca says we could use the money, if you are holding.
Can we be sure that I can bring you all of those things? Probably not! But is giving Wonkette $1000 less likely to bring you angels, a long healthy life, and prosperity than giving it to Paula White? Absolutely not! Both have presumably the exact same chance of doing that, except if enough people give it to Wonkette, Rebecca can continue to pay us to read and process all the terrible news about terrible people for you, thus surely reducing your stress and extending and healthifying your life, and if there’s a bonus coming my way (which is a hell of a lot more likely than Paula White doing anything beneficent with it), I would buy me a faux alligator dress but not a real alligator dress, that’s cruel.
This has been Robyn having some flu and also did you want to send money to Wonkette? We love you.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
I already feel like we all are having a "special year of blessing," at least insofar as "may you live in interesting times" is a *sort* of blessing.
God picks some really shitty subcontractors, you know that?