Forget About Epstein, MAGA! Comey And Brennan Under Investigation For 'Seashells' And Russia Russia Russia!
This is very serious and also the stupidest fucking thing we have ever heard.
Well, we just don’t know. Is it possible that Kash Patel’s FBI and Pam Bondi’s DOJ are really truly engaged in a full-scale investigation of former FBI Director James Comey and former CIA Director John Brennan, because Kash has an enemies list like an absolute weenus and Pam Bondi is a meritless hack and Donald Trump is a two-bit little bitch who is unable to let things go?
Yes.
It is possible that these clumps of pubes from Satan’s shower drain in hell are doing that.
Regardless, we’re definitely supposed to think that’s what’s happening, after Trump people leaked that “information” yesterday, almost certainly to distract their own mouthbreathing conspiracy theory-swilling MAGA pig followers from the fact that Attorney General Bondi’s dog ate the Epstein list and Kristi Noem’s too busy preening for her latest Mar-a-Lago Face Gestapo Makeup Tutorial to come over and shoot it.
Look over there, goons! Haven’t y’all been yelling “Lock them up!” about Comey and Brennan for like EVER? Well they’re gonna! At least they’re making pantomimes like they are, until it comes time to shit or get off the pot and they leak some other bullshit to distract you barking cows!
So hey, stop worrying about whether Donald Trump’s former party buddy had a client list of all the high-powered people he used to find and traffic little kids for so they could rape them! If that list ever existed — PROBABLY NOT WE BET — it definitely didn’t have anybody on it that y’all would be interested in! (And certainly not important MAGA figures either!)
Look over there! Comey! Brennan!
Next Kash is gonna leak that he found the smoking bleach Hillary used to bleach her emails!
Ooooooooh, ooooooooh, OOOOOOOOOOOH, enemies list orgasm aaaaauuuuuhhhhhhhhhhuuuhhuuuuoOOOOOOOOGA!
So um, yeah, sure.
It’s Stupid Hitler’s America, and somebody is leaking that the DOJ and FBI are doing investigations of James Comey and John Brennan. Separately, it leaked yesterday that after Comey did the universal act of war of taking a picture of some gay seashells on the beach and posting it on Instagram, Secret Service choads literally had him tailed from North Carolina to Virginia and tracked his cell phone like he was a fucking terrorism suspect.
Sounds about right for an administration so incompetent and milquetoast they’re drawing up battle plans for troops to survive the enemy territory of little girls playing hopscotch in Los Angeles parks.
We are sorry if we are not treating this information with the appropriate gravitas, if we are too busy making jerkoff motions to write a full Timothy Snyder piece on Trump’s advancing authoritarianism and how this was a Rubicon we were always going to cross, Trump ordering investigations into his political enemies.
Of course, in real countries with real FBIs, they usually don’t giggle while calling reporters to announce that WE ARE INVESTIGATING JAMES COMEY FOR AGGRAVATED SEASHELLS AND RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA! They just … you know … do the investigations.
Yesterday, in the White House, chinless Fox News nepo baby Peter Doocy played along with the script, because he’s stupider than a “Looney Tunes” character who just got smacked in the face with an ACME anvil, asking Donald Trump if he wanted to see Comey and Brennan in jail. Trump played dumb, said he doesn’t know anything about those investigations except the scoops he was reading right along with the rest of us, but maybe those people should face some consequences!
Yes, sure, you betcha.
The allegedly real investigations happening are these, if you are interested in the allegedly real stories of the allegedly important things these Trump pigfucks are doing, allegedly and really:
John Ratcliffe, the C.I.A. director and a harsh critic of his Democratic-appointed predecessors, has made a criminal referral of Mr. Brennan to the F.B.I., accusing him of lying to Congress, officials said. The bureau is also scrutinizing Mr. Comey for his role in the Russia investigation, other officials said, although the exact basis for any inquiry remains unclear.
Sure thing.
But really, though?
Ratcliffe’s crooked jaw has been working overtime on his president’s Down Theres this week, making up bullshit about CIA reviews (from his hack CIA) of the Russia investigation that do not actually say what he claims they say. Like so:
You can click the link in the last graf and read it. Ratcliffe is of course counting on the fact that Trump’s MAGA base will never, ever do that, and neither will Trump. Or alternate interpretation, he’s just as stupid as Trump and every other MAGA agency chief, and he hasn’t read his own agency’s report, which doesn’t say fuck about shit resembling any of that.
But sure, John. Whatever you need to tweet to keep Dear Leader’s little peen happy.
If you want some really cool reading, it’s always a fine time to post the links to the Russia report from the Marco-Rubio-led Senate Intelligence Committee, which found in 2020 that Russia did indeed attack the 2016 election, did it to help Donald Trump get elected, and that there was ALLLLLL THIS FUCKING COLLUSION between members of the Trump campaign and Russians.
And if you want some more reading, you could always brush up on all the ways James Comey was a useful idiot to the Trump-Russian influence operation to steal the 2016 election, helping hand Trump the election at the very last minute by breathlessly reopening the BUT HER EMAILS investigation in October 2016.
And when you’re done with all that, maybe it’s time to read this resignation letter and accompanying essay from former FBI special agent Michael Feinberg, which came out just before the Fourth, describing how he was targeted for retribution at Trump’s clownpiss FBI by Kash Patel and the bulging veins on Bing Bong Bongino’s dipshit forehead, because he is friends with Peter Strzok, the former FBI agent MAGA targeted for his able participation in the Russia investigations.
They even went to a Morrissey concert together! LIKE COMMON DEEP STATE ENEMIES OF DONALD TRUMP. And for that, Feinberg was given the choice to quit or be severely demoted.
Hell, you can go back and read Wonkette’s liveblog of American hero Peter Strzok’s testimony to Congress.
And you can watch Michael Feinberg’s interview on Jen Psaki last night, in which he spills all the tea and exhorts others who have been treated similarly to start speaking up, for Christ’s sake:
Yes, there is some very serious shit going on, and we are further along the road to Trump absolutely destroying this country, perhaps irrevocably, than many people are ready to grapple with.
And one part of the evidence of that is that they are announcing investigations into the former FBI and CIA directors who live rent-free in Donald Trump’s stupid fucking head.
But good God, they are some incompetent fucks.
And again, they are doing this to distract their own syphilitic MAGA pigs from the fact that Pam Bondi won’t release the Epstein files, probably because it’s full of totally surprising news that the Epstein files are full of intel about Donald Trump and other beloved MAGA figures.
Oh no, what’s that, Elon? You say BANNON is somehow involved here?
We can’t imagine MAGA or anybody else will rest without knowing the full truth on what’s in those Epstein files! Here is a video of Alex Jones crying about that, the end.
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Besides detailing all the 97 ways Trump and his entourage were connected to Russia, the Mueller Report also made clear that Trump had obstructed the investigation. It was practically drawing a map, with a big arrow, pointing to impeachment and/or possible prosecution for that, if not for other offenses.
I like that Alex Jones is now broadcasting from a car.