Fox News Forgets What Year It Is

Do you remember Dr. Ben Carson’s VERY IMPORTANT SPEECH at the National Prayer Breakfast in February of last year?

No? How could you forget? It’s like forgetting 9/11. Just 434 days ago, today, Dr. Ben boldlyrambledproclaimed that poverty is bad, education is the answer, we should adopt God’s taxation system, went off on a weird riff about health care, and explained that political correctness is stifling OUR GREAT NATION right in front of President ‘Nobama, The Great Capitulator. And Bamz was PISSED. You can tell because the Prez had the audacity to walk right up to Dr. Ben, shake his hand and thank him for participating.

See! Obama can’t even keep breakfast in line! How’s he going to keep Russia from invading Alaska?

But, that is not the end of the story. Because Dr. Ben was persecuted for his thoughtful remarks. Scandal and outrage ensued! Riots were foretold. The liberal media, also known as Fox News commentator Cal Thomas, told People on the Internet that the National Prayer Breakfast wasn’t the right venue for partisan politics. Blood ran in the streets.

And now, 1 year, 2 months and 10 days later it is happening all over again: This morning Fox News has the exclusively, non-exclusive scoop (which is completely coincidental and in no way related to the press release announcing Dr. Ben’s new book) that directly after the Prayer Breakfast the White House demanded that Dr. Ben apologize to the president. Which shocked us all last year when they first reported it. But not as much as CNN’s Breaking News Headline last night – you guys, did you know the Titanic sunk?! WHAT THE FUCK. We really hope they find the black box soon.

Anyway, the most shocking part of Apology-Gate is that Bamz didn’t even bother to demand the apology himself. What a fascist. The actual demand for an apology came from those left-leaning stooges over at The Fellowship Foundation (also known as The Family, which isn’t creepy at all). You know, the secretive organization that reportedly counted both Strom Thurmond and Pat Robertson’s dad among their membership. Those liberal asshats.

With such forces of tyranny against him, it is no wonder that Dr. Ben is reticent about jumping in to the 2016 Presidential Race, saying only that his political future is in the “Hands of God,” while the completely unassociated super-pac for Forrest Gump enthusiasts “RunBenRun” has raised $4 million. Of course, Dr. Ben hasn’t actually, you know, governed. But there is no doubt that his superior hand-eye coordination and three-dimensional reasoning skills will serve him just as well in the political arena as they do in surgery. Perhaps he can diagnose people via video like the great Bill Frist.

We would like to thank Fox News for waking us up with this breaking news from last year, this morning. As a result of your dogged pursuit of this year old non-story, we wasted several minutes trying figure out why the National Prayer Breakfast of 2013 had somehow occurred in the past week. Then we wasted more minutes making fun of it, with our typing fingers. Thanks for nothing, Fox News.

[ Fox ]