Fox News Host And Boebert Say Biden Should Stock Rio Grande, Which Already Has Alligators, With Alligators
Why not dogs with bees in their mouths, so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Did you know that there are people who still have cable? And you did know Fox News has a weeknight late-night “political satire” show called Gutfeld! (don’t forget the exclamation point!) that’s been going on for a couple of years and tops Colbert, Kimmel, and Fallon in its ratings time slot? It’s true! Even though conservatives have one joke, it doesn’t stop them from trying their darnedest to hone in on that liberal wheelhouse, “political satire,” and with conservatives having nowhere else to turn to cater to their sensitive and highly specific humor needs, they’re stuck with Gutfeld!
For the “politics” part, they’ve got self-described libertarian Greg sneering and griping about the various ways conservatives are the real victims of whatever happens to be twisting their britches that day (diversity programs, “illegals,” plotlines of “Law & Order,” Taylor Swift, something on TikTok), as guest luminaries chime in.
This week featured a mononymous former wrestler named Tyrus, some conservative writers, and fellow Fox host Trace Gallagher. For his contribution on the conversation on “illegals,” Gallagher had this to offer.
TRACE GALLAGHER (GUEST): The Biden administration is realizing chaos doesn’t poll well, so they’re changing up and saying “oh no, I need Congress to give me authority to close the border. I need Congress to give me authority to close the border.” But everything Trump did you undid, you canceled deportations, you canceled ‘Remain in Mexico,’ and you canceled the wall, all you have to do tomorrow is sign a little order, and it all starts again. By the way, alligators in the Rio Grande would be safer than it would be now because they wouldn't get in the water with alligators, and now, they get in the water, and they are drowning every single day. And put the alligators in the water because you would save lives.
Tyrus: Brilliant idea, thank you!
Gutfeld: Well, See you later, alligator!
Chortle chortle! Performative cruelty, it’s hilarious! It’s the three “C”s of Fox News, Complaining, Cruelty, and Comedy. You may remember Gallagher from his other greatest hits, “They’re selling butt plugs at CVS” and “kindergarteners in Florida are being taught how to masturbate” and “mansplaining to the secretary of Energy how a battery works.”
Anyway, as it happens, there are already alligators in the Rio Grande, because they’re native to it, though their numbers have been greatly reduced due to hunting, pollution, and reduced water levels. Is Gallagher endorsing environmentalism, or something? Sounds pretty lefty. The Rio Grande is also home to rattlesnakes, copperheads, and water moccasins. And why stop at alligators? Why not sharks with laser eyes, lions with switchblades, and if it all gets out of control, gorillas to fight the lions? Trump could have done all that with a little executive order, right? So why didn’t he? Apparently he tried in 2019, and failed. Low energy, sad!
Reported the NYT: “Privately, the president had often talked about fortifying a border wall with a water-filled trench, stocked with snakes or alligators, prompting aides to seek a cost estimate. He wanted the wall electrified, with spikes on top that could pierce human flesh. After publicly suggesting that soldiers shoot migrants if they threw rocks, the president backed off when his staff told him that was illegal. But later in a meeting, aides recalled, he suggested that they shoot migrants in the legs to slow them down. That’s not allowed either, they told him.”
Another inconvenient truth for Gutfield!: Border crossings are way down under Biden, even though Trump supposedly “closed” the border. The Biden DHS is removing 3.5 times as many people per month as the Trump DHS did, and has detained almost 5 times as many people. And Biden has already taken more executive actions around the border than Trump did during his term, a record 535 so far. But that’s Fox for you, never letting facts get in the way of hilarious, rib-tickling “satire.”
And now this “satire” is making the rounds again, with Lauren Boebert soon after laughingly telling a host on OAN that she’d co-sign that, plus spikes and an electric fence.
Conservative comedy, ladies and gentlemen.
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Look, they might be able to brave alligators, but what if we genetically engineered modern dinosaurs using Dino blood from mosquitos trapped in amber + some salamander DNA to fill in the gaps? Would they cross the river now?
Shut up, you! There is literally nothing wrong with this plan.
Human maiming, death and suffering, particularly if it's the suffering of the most downtrodden, is never not funny. You go, hilarious Fox comics!