Fox News Says Ashton Kutcher Is Your New Ayn Rand, America! (Seems To Have Forgotten To Read Its Ayn Rand)

So there is this guy, Ashton Kutcher. We have never given him much thought, as he unaccountably keeps refusing to be Channing Tatum. But he gave a frankly lovely little speech at the Teen Choice Awards (WE KNOW, RIGHT?). It was about hard work, and not "being better" than even a menial job, and about how sexy it is to "be smart, and be thoughtful, and be generous." That is nice, right? Fox News agrees! "HOT VIDEO: Ashton Kutcher Stuns Teen Choice Awards with Powerful Conservative Speech," trumpets Fox News's Fox Nation! Everybody knows liberals just sleep all month until it is time to buy the crab legs with their welfare grift! And conservatives are always honoring the men and women who perform our thankless underpaid jobs! That is just Science Fact!

Fox News always loves when people tell children to work hard. Why, we remember the president told the schoolchildren to work hard! And conservatives did not at all respond by complaining that he was setting himself up as a Dear Leader propagandizing the schoolchildren in an unprecedented display of brainwashing. Especially not anyone at Fox! 

Also, we totally remember them constantly telling people to be "thoughtful" and "generous," because of how we have a very powerful imagination.

[ Fox ]