Funmeister Newt Gingrich Says GOP Needs To Be A 'Happy Party'

Hey, GOP sad sacks! Fun-time Newt Gingrich has a nifty idea for you all to become way more popular! Instead of being a bunch of Grumpy Gusses, why not reach out to everyday Americans and "be a happy party"? And if anyone knows how to be happy, it's the guy who is so averse to unhappiness that when his wife gets cancer, he finds a new gal who's not such a goddamn bummer!

Now, we must admit that when you hear "Newt Gingrich" and "happy party," the first thing that comes to mind may actually be something like "Newt walking around naked, with his stomach all big and bloated like a cartoon," instead of "populist message reboot." But Newt has had some experience with the popular entertainment medium of "Tele-Vision," as he told the Republican National Committee's winter meeting the other day:

"We need to find a thousand ways to be happy…I was just on Parks and Recreation"

You see? He IS a happy little fella! And that didn't sound at all like Mao's "let a thousand flowers bloom" or that one other guy's "thousand points of light" that people made relentless fun of. Tell us more about humorous escapades that could return the GOP to relevance, Mr. Happy Man!

Following an appearance together on the Tonight Show, Newt recalled his wife "Callista sent Snooki an elephant. The elephant now sits on the couch in the show."

Ha-ha! The fun has been doubled! Why, that is awfully creative, and although it is the sort of Fun Thing that probably works exactly once, it probably strikes terror into the hearts of talk show bookers nationwide, who are at this moment dreading the inevitable influx of star-spangled plushies and other crap. Perhaps other GOP folk can enliven their talk show appearances by bringing out other fun props. Steve King could go on the Daily Show with little puppets packing AR-15's, or Rick Santorum could offer Jimmy Kimmel an appealing can of "mixed nuts," only when he opens the can, aborted fetuses would fly out everywhere! Heck, there's even a famous prop comic who is a delightful wingnut in his own right; maybe he could label the watermelons he pulzerizes with things like "Deficit Spending" and "Gay Marriage."

Mr. Gingrich also noted that, to be fun and well-liked, Republicans might not want to write off half of the country, maybe:

"I would like to say to every consultant in the party: If you think you are going to target less than 100 percent of the country you're not going to get any of our business."

The man who called for reforming child labor laws so that poor children could become school janitors then beeped his clown nose, pedaled a comically tiny tricycle to a nearby orphanage, and amusingly shpritzed the children with liquid with a bottle labeled "Seltzer." Forensic investigators later determined the substance to be pepper spray.

[ Buzzfeed ]