Future Not-Speaker Jason Chaffetz Very Sad He Found Bupkis On Planned Parenthood

Make your sad face for us

So this smegma-guzzling ferret, Rep. Jason Chaffetz of Utah, we were talking about him just the other day, remember? Because HAHAHAHA he thinks maybehewill be the next Drinker of the House. (Spoiler: He will not.)

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We ran through a whole long list of reasons why that guy sucks, and bragging he's so much more sexxxier for the cameras than drop-out loser Kevin McCarthy is only one of the many reasons we laughed so hard at that pee hole. Does Chaffetz even have a SEX SCANDAL, like McCarthy? Well, maybe! Wedid,after all, just-askin'-questions wonder how Chaffetz managed to make McCarthy's alleged adulterous fuck pal, Rep. Renee Ellmers, feel like she was high enough on his "priority list" (we're assuming that's GOP sex code for DICK) to earn her vote for Speaker Chaffetz.

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Also, like we told you, Chaffetz, as chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, was in charge of the ridiculous hearing on whether Planned Parenthood is using taxpayer dollars to kidnap toddlers from their mama's womb parts and carve them up like Thanksgiving turkey, to auction on eBay, so they can buy fancy sports cars and diamond-encrusted knives, for all that baby butchering.

Now, you know that's not true. And we know that's not true. And Planned Parenthood's president, Cecile Richards, explained a billionty times that seriously, asshole, IT'S NOT TRUE. And all the state investigations have said the same thing. But guess what! 

"Did I look at the finances and have a hearing specifically as to the revenue portion and how they spend? Yes. Was there any wrongdoing? I didn't find any," he said during a Judiciary Committee hearing on the family planning provider.

Oh reallllllllllllly? Go on:

But after all that, he concluded that Planned Parenthood isn't doing anything sketchy with its money. "Did we find any wrongdoing? The answer was no," Chaffetz said.

So, since that turned out to be a huge waste of everyone's time, as you and we and everyone else knew it would be, Chaffetz will now apologize for being so goddamned wrong and making completely baseless accusations, and as speaker of the House (wait, hang on, HAHAHAHA again), he would crack down on bogus investigations and make his fellow Republicans focus on America's real problems, and whew, what a relief that Planned Parenthood isn't doing anything wrong after all!

Or, instead of that:

Chaffetz said Thursday that he still supports digging into Planned Parenthood's activities, even if they're using their money appropriately.

"I think there will continue to be investigations," he said.

Oh, well. Good to know that Chaffetz wouldn't let anything as minor as finding fuck-all NOTHING get in the way of pursuing a bogus investigation into the evil (and yet somehow still legal, huh) practice of doing healthcare to ladies.

Yeah, that's definitely what Congress needs more of right now. Chaffetz for speaker, most def.

[ HuffPo ]