Glenn Beck And Tomi Lahren Face Off In Court, Nation Prays For Meteor To Strike Them Both

Apr 18, 2017

It all started so well for Tomi and Glenn. She was a 23-year-old attention fiend with the long, peroxided hair and sleeveless dresses required by the Wingnut Code. He was a middle-aged, Mormon media mogul just looking to get richer by feeding conspiracy theories to dimwits. They could have made beautiful music together! So in 2015, they signed a two-year deal for her to make arglebargle an hour a day on The Blaze, plus extra nonsense-vomiting on social media and television.

Lahren hit the ground running, slagging Colin Kaepernick, Black Lives Matter, and Beyonce's Super Bowl show. But then...

On March 17, Lahren got overwhelmed by the estrogen fumes on the set of The View and outed herself as pro-choice!

I am a constitutional, y’know, someone that loves the Constitution. I’m someone that’s for limited government. So I can’t sit here and be a hypocrite and say I’m for limited government but I think the government should decide what women do with their bodies. I can sit here and say that, as a Republican and I can say, you know what, I’m for limited government, so stay out of my guns, and you can stay out of my body as well!

</center> Oh, Noes! When The Blaze hired her to talk crazy shit, they didn't mean that crazy. So HR called her and said, "Don't bother coming in to work any more, babykiller. We put yellow caution tape over your office door, but we saved an extra roll for your big, fat mouth. You can spend the next six months doing anything but television until your contract is up. STFU and have a nice life." MORE OR LESS. <img id="1f411" data-rm-shortcode-id="ff3fccc30a1728d5442673f3e45d40a0" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" class="rm-shortcode " loading="lazy" src="https: //assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xNzY2ODY0Mi9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTcxNTQ4MTI3OH0.vNN6gMrIFwuFsTgVQkxEsAUDIq8U9lTloG5ArUo97xM/img.jpg?width=980" /> Now, Tomi Lahren might not have been valedictorian at University of Las Vegas. But she remembers a little something called The First Amendment, you guys! And she knows that a grown adult woman can say whatever she wants, and no lameass contract promising that she won't disparage her employer and granting The Blaze veto over her television appearances is going to stop her. <center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"> Lay down and play dead really isn't my style. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/FinalThoughts?src=hash">#FinalThoughts</a> — Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) <a href="https://twitter.com/TomiLahren/status/850453653009944576">April 7, 2017</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"/></center> So on April 7, she filed a lawsuit against Beck and The Blaze International (TBI) alleging that they had wrongfully terminated her, breached her employment contract by not allowing her to rant at the camera for an hour every day, and were being super mean about not letting her go on competing networks and talk shit about them. Lahren acknowledges that she's still, you know, getting paid. But that's just a part of Glenn Beck's wily plan to silence a patriotic warrior for the First Amendment! <blockquote>Several days later, Plaintiff received yet another call from a TBI Human Resources Director/Supervisor who made it clear that Plaintiff’s services were no longer needed by TBI, her employment was terminated, she would have no more shows, but TBI would nevertheless continue to pay Plaintiff—presumably hoping they could find an exit strategy to sanitize their unlawful conduct under the Employment Contract.</blockquote> Also, too, Glenn Beck is totes jelly of Tomi Lahren for being the princess and heir apparent of Wingnutistan. <blockquote>It is not a secret within TBI that Beck is known for berating, belittling, and acting in a condescending and heavy-handed way and his treatment of Plaintiff, in particular, is a case in point. [...] Defendants’ acts were/are motivated by an unlawful animus and a specific intent to inflate Beck’s profile, from what has become a mediocre following, all at Plaintiff’s expense.</blockquote> She also claimed to have been locked out of her own Facebook page. How's a girl supposed to get her fix of public attention with just Twitter and Instagram? It can't be done! <img id="2a57b" data-rm-shortcode-id="cd67ae5f481eb0a0acaa0cda939c065a" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" class="rm-shortcode " loading="lazy" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xNzY2ODY0My9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTcwNzE1MjU1Mn0.UDN_kPyTBWwFnK2-7GcXHQg4R1Ck1-BVDOmx4A0CmSY/img.png?width=980" /> Beck and The Blaze countersued, bringing a What The Fuck Are You Even Talking About Motion yesterday. MORE OR LESS. The Blaze pointed out that Lahren is still getting paid and receiving health insurance benefits, that she was never "fired" and is still their employee, and that she still has access to the Facebook business page which was set up and administered by the company. And how could anyone think Lahren was taken off the air for being pro-choice! Perish the thought! They were totes going to do that anyway because she is a craycray nightmare to work with. <blockquote>Lahren’s treatment of the floor crew was inappropriate and unprofessional, constantly complaining about everything including but not limited to lighting, room temperature, editing, shooting, directing, etc Lahren’s word choices on air had to be addressed repeatedly for bordering on the profane. Lahren would not work with one of two full time make-up artists, which resulted in a report to TheBlaze’s human resources department. Lahren has been overheard by many employees complaining about TheBlaze, stating that she will sue TheBlaze and that she could own TheBlaze when she is done. Lahren was divisive and created conflicts with other media personalities at TheBlaze. Lahren turned down a number of advertisers on TheBlaze for unexplained reasons, limiting any chance for TheBlaze to recoup its investment into her and her show. Lahren publicly commented on and disclosed the dollar value of her wardrobe allowance without TheBlaze’s prior approval, in violation of her employment agreement. Lahren embarrassed the company and many of its staff and other personalities because her statements were uninformed and inconsistent.</blockquote> <img id="fd819" data-rm-shortcode-id="18631c5a5b435e3de6503ae20fef701d" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" class="rm-shortcode " loading="lazy" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xNzY2ODY0NC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY4Njg2MDg5NH0.5SybbwdpT9HfX7-6AEc7vZZMs7s7dX9w47yZx-JP_v0/img.jpg?width=980" /> And even if they had fired her for mouthing off on The View, the employment contract allows them to terminate her for "conduct or involvement in a situation that brings Employee into public disrespect, offends the community or any group thereof, or embarrasses or reflects unfavorably on TBI’s reputation." <blockquote>Lahren’s statements were offensive to many of TheBlaze’s supporters and followers because they imply that only a hypocrite would believe in the Constitution or conservative values but not be pro-choice. Because Lahren is closely associated with TheBlaze, her statements also reflected negatively on TheBlaze’s reputation.</blockquote> So, Messrs. Beck et al. would like her to shut up now, as per her contract, pleaseandthankyou. They included that clause about mandatory, sealed arbitration in the employment contract for just this reason, young lady! Yesterday, Lahren also amended her complaint to say that even if she wasn't actually "terminated," the Court should declare the contract null and void. Except for the money part -- The Blaze should totally have to pay her through September, 'kay? <center><iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" class="giphy-embed" frameborder="0" height="480" src="//giphy.com/embed/KqNITgfr7Qcne" width="480"/></center> All of this raises three important questions: <ol> <li>Among all these garbage people, whom to hate most?;</li> <li>Is Lahren as dumb as she seems, or is she cleverly boosting her profile and thus her employment prospects when she's a free agent in October?; And</li> <li>How much brain damage does watching an hour of Tomi Lahren clips inflict? (Asking for a friend. But seriously...)</li> </ol> [All Court Documents can be accessed at the <a href="https://courtsportal.dallascounty.org/DALLASPROD/Home/Dashboard/29" target="_blank">Dallas County Circuit Court Search Page</a> by entering the case number DC-17-04087] These people are HORRIBLE! But we at Wonkette are awesome and ad-free! Maybe <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/clever-title-for-donations-page" target="_blank">throw a dollar in the kitty</a>?

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