Glenn Beck, Private Dick

Idiot Savant Auteur de Merde Glenn Beck presents this short Noir masterpiece about a guy named Lucky, a legless (or one-legged, because why would you check your script for consistency?) prostitute named Charlie, and a slick grifter named Sam, who's pushing a crazy unworkable scheme called "MyRA." In typical Beck Drama Theater of the Airhead style, it isn't especially clear on what exactly is going on in this allegory -- sure, "Lucky" is the hapless everyman, "Sam" is the scary fiberglass-headed rapist fraudster you remember from college days, and "MyRA" is a scheme to steal all your muneez. We can't for the life of us figure out who "Charlie" is supposed to be, though. After MyRA cheats him out of his savings, Lucky goes back to Charlie, so maybe the legless prostitute is supposed to be the private banking industry. Or maybe "Charlie" is the hole in a teabagger's mattress where he saves all his gold? Your guess is as good as ours.

We suppose we could quibble about Beck's suggestion that MyRA accounts will be inherently riskier because the retirement funds will be invested in government bonds, because as anyone knows, Sam is flat broke -- the government is about to go belly-up, and nobody will see a penny of their retirement savings, despite the claim that the accounts will be insured. In reality, of course, U.S. Treasury bonds are among the least risky investments available, and are a cornerstone of international finance, and the government hasn't ever failed to pay out on insured deposits under the systems like FDIC. But this is BeckWorld, after all, so it seems churlish to muddy the waters with too many facts.

Instead, just enjoy the complete batshit craziness of the skit. Even the film noir setting seems pretty much arbitrary -- Beck does a half-decent noirish narrator, but there's no detective story here, no matter how much Beck may wish to see Sam spayed. Again, this is a nitpick, because who ever expected logical -- much less cinematic -- consistency from Glenn Beck? Far better to simply sit back and let Glenn Beck's paranoid fever dream wash over you. We're with Madeleine Davies at Jezebel -- it looks as if "the whole thing was just an excuse to complain about how 'dames' can't light a cigarette the right way."

Don't smoke, kids. Bad for you. More important, don't drink the tea. Makes you crazy.

[ Jezebel / CNN ]

 Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He knew the dame was trouble when she walked though the door...