Goodbye, Corey Lewandowski! Go Have The Life You Deserve!
Now that the creep is out, his haters have dirt to spill.
What with all of these mass casualties, war crimes, sex crimes, etc. let us pop open some delicious pink Hostess Sno Balls and a Tab to enjoy the departing rump of Corey Lewandowski, one of the foulest creeps to swirl around Trump’s orbit, and that is saying a lot.
Because we are petty, we would just like to point out that holding this sign over someone’s head means that THEY are a cuckold. Guess he got it backwards, oops.
And yes! Following Kristi Noem committing the only unpardonable sin in the Trump-o-sphere — not all those murders ICE did, silly, it is daring to suggest to Congress that Donald Trump approved of her $220-million no-bid self-promotion campaign! — she’s moved on to a new made-up job, Shield of The Americas, Special Envoy, whatever the hell that is. This means her alleged lover Corey Lewandowski has now gone on to do his alleged woman-slapping in the private sector. And that means everybody who hated working for Lewandowski (which was apparently almost everybody) is now calling up any reporter who will listen to dish about what an asshole he is. Even tawdry gossip rags like The National Review.
At that same grilling last Wednesday, while Noem called the rumors of sexual relations with Corandowski “tabloid garbage” and “insane,” she wouldn’t say no, either. Now even the New York Post is no longer typing “allegedly” about their extramarital bonings, so guess we don’t have to either.
Weirdly, insiders also claimed to the Post that it was actually Trump’s prudishness about their extramarital affair that was the final straw: “one person close to Trump saying he ‘frequently’ tells a story about seeing the two take sips from the same can of soda. ‘You can’t do that, it’s pretty obvious! You can’t do that, everyone’s going to know!’”
If true, what a peculiar moral code from the man who cheated on all of his own wives, and even wheedled disappointing pity sex from a porn star while his third one was nursing their infant. Not to mention, Lewandowski reportedly had an affair with Hope Hicks during Trump’s first term, and Lewandowski being accused of assaulting three women is already public record, and Trump voters obviously don’t give a shit. Trump fired Lewandowski twice during his first term, for squabbling with Paul Manafort, and again for sexual harassment allegations. Yet for whatever reason Trump was never before able to really quit him. Maybe it was the way he liked to brag about stabbing people? Trump even brought him back a third time to help with the second campaign. And then somewhere along the way, Corey and the dog-shooter fell in some gross, disgusting version of love that we would prefer not to think about too much.
Not the NY Post, though! According to the administration and so therefore the Post, the firing was about nothing more than all that shameless fuckin’ those two sociopaths had been getting up to. Surely typing with one hand, the Post details times the two got caught canoodling, or getting “handsy” with her sitting on his lap, and also much worse:
“Lewandowski apparently is not shy about referring to Noem in intimate terms, as another source recalled him speaking last year about the need to find apparel for the secretary that would flatter a woman with, in Lewandowski’s words, ‘big tits.’”
And they say romance is dead! The Post even has sympathy for the “humiliation” of her cuckold husband Byron, and talked with one of his disapproving family members:
“He said he decided about 20 years ago that it was his calling from God to support her in whatever she decided to do,” one family member said. “So he has put up with the humiliation. We will see if he sticks with her now.”
“I think it’s him honoring the calling from God,” the family member added. “But it seems like there would be some limit to that.”
Or maybe husband Byron is secretly thrilled that she’s never home because she’s fucking terrifying and shoots the family pets for fun? Imagine what divorcing her might be like! Maybe he doesn’t want to tell some sanctimonious distant cousin that part, just saying.
The Post also cluckingly tsks about how Lewandowski’s wife Alison was the widow of a man killed on 9/11, and now she just sits home all alone in New Hampshire with their four children. Beats ICE detention?
Meanwhile the National Review stuck mostly to the unprofessional and grifty office they were running: Lewandowski was in charge of every single decision, said staffers, including scheduling, and it was Noem’s job to show up looking dressed for the part. That tracks! And he sat in or loomed behind her in all of her meetings, regardless if they were scheduled to be one-on-one.
Like the insecure weenus all MAGA men are, he also demanded everybody call him “Chief”:
“All written communication and all of the little minions in the front office, all the 23-year-olds who have pledged undying loyalty to Corey, would call him ‘Chief.”
It sounds strong AND sexy!
Unshockingly, as a boss he was a complete dick, too, constantly threatening to fire, demote, polygraph, or reassign anyone who got on his bad side.
And as her meat-puppeteer, Lewds would not produce Noem on the cheap. Such as when Noem was governor of South Dakota, threatening to cancel a campaign appearance on behalf of then-Republican congressional candidate Jesse Jensen in Washington state without an immediate $25,000 in contributions directly to Noem.
“I’ll give Corey credit: announcements had gone out, people were traveling across the state to come have breakfast with the governor, everything was set in stone, and he pulled this thing the night before at the afternoon funder and said, ‘I’ll get her on an earlier flight if you don’t get me the 25k,’” a source familiar with the incident told National Review.
“It was just clear as day that they’d done this before,” the person added.
You gotta do a lot of gouging to buy all those $50K Rolexes, face fillers, $4K Gucci purses and lots of special “blankets” and pillows that are certainly not code words for drugs or dicks or whatever.
Lewandowski would reportedly “constantly pester senior leaders inside DHS to track down CEOs’ cellphone numbers, fomenting suspicions within DHS that he was using his connections to private sector interests for personal gain.” That guy? In this administration? Working with the lady who passed a $220 million contract to her buddy’s husband?
All of that corruption (and those two fucking) is disgusting, of course, and still much less offensive than the ICE concentration camps they’re building and people who have been murdered or died of neglect. But please, clutch those hypocritical pearls harder, right-wing rags!
Now, the powerhouse grifting duo is out, and Markwayne Mullin is in. Just like Greg Bovino once fucked on back off to Southern California, it is just window dressing for an evil agenda that presses on. But hey, window dressing still means we don’t have to look at Noem’s weird rubber face so much anymore.
Now we have to look at that guy some more instead.
Ah well, bye anyway! Go have the life you deserve.
[National Review archive link / New York Times gift link]
The life he deserves involves a refrigerator box and a highway underpass.
"Trump’s prudishness about their extramarital affair"
Prudish? About adultery? TRUMP?
Do I need more coffee?
(grabs mug, inhales)
OFFS...