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GOP's Letter Totally Worked, Iran Will Do Whatever They Say Now
Good job, Senate Republicans (and honorary Senators Rick Perry and Bobby Jindal, of course). You did it! You full on told Iran what is what, with your "cheeky" HI-larious letter Sternly Worded Letter, and now Iran is going to do whatever you say, since you warned them they'd better not do any deals with President Obama or else you will say some mean words!
Oh, except not really, because Iran's leadership thinks you guys are a bunch of dicks, which is true, and you've made our country (that's the United States, since you're confused about that) look bad, and you really are not helping at all, according to Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei:
"Of course I am worried, because the other side is known for opacity, deceit and backstabbing.
"Every time we reach a stage where the end of the negotiations is in sight, the tone of the other side, specifically the Americans, becomes harsher, coarser and tougher. This is the nature of their tricks and deceptions."
The clerical Supreme Leader said the letter was "a sign of the decay of political ethics in the American system", and he described as risible long-standing U.S. accusations of Iranian involvement in terrorism.
Apparently Khamenei forgot to add, "But dude, that Tom Cotton guy is super scary, we don't want to mess with him, so we surrender!" Maybe because Iran's leadership has read some of Tom Cotton's earlier work and realized despite the Harvard degree, he is a total idiot.
Which is why Republicans in Cotton's state of Arkansas are already trying to make it easier for him to run for president, and yes, you read that correctly, and no, it is not too early to start drinking:
The ensuing publicity for Cotton, both positive and negative, did not go unnoticed by his admirers, including Arkansas state Senator Bart Hester.
Hester has introduced a bill in the state legislature that would allow Cotton to seek re-election and run for president simultaneously, a balancing act prohibited under current Arkansas law.
Cotton has been a senator for all of three months, he's already managed to potentially sink rather sensitive negotiations over the minor issue of nuclear weapons, but yeah, sure, Cotton for president, why not?
"Tom Cotton would be my current idea of someone who should be afforded this opportunity," Hester said, and that's a good enough reason to change state law so the upstart teabagger hero has an opportunity to run for the office he has already made pretty clear doesn't have any real power anyway, so shouldn't he stay in the Senate to really get things done?
Also, and maybe we are remembering this incorrectly, isn't it totally bad for America to have a not-even-one-full-term senator run for president, what with the lack of experience and insufficient vetting, and he will maybe fuck up all the things in the world because he doesn't know any better? Hmm. Yeah. Coulda sworn we'd heard that somewhere.