…guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty!
HOLY SWEET HOTDAMN!
THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS A CONVICTED FELON.
The porning, peening, paying and frauding = 34 counts of FELONIOUS FAKE NEWS ELECTION INTERFERENCE trying to cover up his DIRTY RAWDOG WAYS. As the verdict came out there were whoops and cheers from lower Manhattan. Ain’t the Nobu martinis cold, hon!
Take that, you doomscrolling Eeyores with your stinking thinking, side-eyeing those jurors who get their news from TikTok and said Trump had some “good ideas”! Every single one of them came through in a New York hurry, taking only 10 hours to say YES THAT MOTHERFUCKER DID ALL THAT SHIT. He knows it, you know it, I know it, even Boxwine Jeanine Pirro and your QAnon aunt might be grr mad consequences but they still know he did it.
Time to shake up and pizzop the crizzork on that fine Champale you’ve been saving, spraying it around at crotch level like you’re a lawn sprinkler. Dance that happy dance! Embrace renewed faith in humanity! Appreciate New Yorkers! He’s an adjudicated rapist, fraud, double defamer, and now felonious election fuckateer, all thanks to you and your hard work, New York!
How poetic that David Pecker, the sleazemonger who brought Herr VonShitzinpants out of the gutter of local gossip columns and posted his jowly flaps at every cash register, was the one to deliver the killshot. He avenged you, Michael Cohen! And 12 out of 12 random New Yorkers believe you. Aren’t you glad you put your wife and family first and rejected the devil’s lawyer when he came calling, unlike certain other people? May you and your TikTok account live happily ever after.
Everybody take a swig for all of those witnesses who got their lives ruined by that pussygrabber gameshow host: Stormy Daniels, hero, who is now and probably forever living mostly in hiding, Pecker, who lost his job at AMI and dreams of being CEO of Time magazine, weepy white women Maddie Westerhaut and Hope Hicks. And the witnesses who weren’t: jailbird Allen Weisselberg and scuzzy Enquirer editor Dylan Howard, who was driven back to his mother’s house in Australia by shame. Special shoutout to Enquirer editor Lachlan Cartwright, who first leaked the scheme to the Wall Street Journal way back in 2016.
Behold the slouchy figure of the old Don, dejectedly shuffling out of the courthouse, a blue tie drooping down to his pants fly. Barely able to grunt his talking points of VERY INNOCENT MAN, SOROS DA, COUNTRY GONE TO HELL, CONFLICTED JUDGE, REAL VERDICT NOVEMBER, only weakly able to hit “send” on a begging email with a picture of him lifting his tiny fist in front of the words POLITICAL PRISONER. Marvel at his motorcade to Trump Tower trapped in rush-hour traffic on the FDR because nobody wants to let his douchemobiles merge.
HONK, HONK, NEW YORK HATES YOU!
Hear the screechings of the handful of angry Trump supporters outside the courthouse. “Fuck you! The judge is a peesa shit! You’re a faggot! You’re a gay pussy! Little shrivelly pussy, that’s all you are! You’re a little bitch!” they howl while being photographed like baboons at the zoo.
Enjoy the sight of vans with the jurors being anonymously bussed out via Chinatown behind tinted windows. Returned from the nightmare clown sewer! Back to their pleasures of “outdoorsy activities,” yoga, reading newspapers, woodworking, and listening to “Real Housewives” podcasts.
It ain’t over for the tooty-four-times felon! Sentencing is scheduled for July 11, four days before the GOP convention, won’t that be a hoot. Embrace your criminal master, you fascist Russian puppets! Kiss the sausage fingers, kiss them for the world to see!
And at some point before sentencing, the felon will be interviewed by the New York Department of Probation for a pre-sentencing report. Is he gainfully employed? In a counseling program? Caring for an ailing family member? Is he a beloved abuelo needed to care for pequeños while their parents trabajando long noches at the bodega?
No! No, no and jamás!
But, he won’t get locked up. The maximum sentence is one and a third to four years, yes, but it’s a first offense and he’s old. And even if the prosecution asks and Justice Juan Merchan does decide to sentence him to the pokey time he so richly deserves due to his flagrancy, remorselessness, contempt, shitty character, and non-deterrence by fines, the world’s most famous felon will still be able to put off serving until he’s out of appeals, which could take years. He’ll still be able to vote for himself, thanks to New York’s librul laws, which say felons can vote anytime other than when they are in literal jail. Reciprocity also makes him eligible to vote in Florida, too.
But he is not allowed to own a gun, so when he shoots someone on Fifth Avenue his charges will get bumped up, and he can still sign Roseanne Barr’s as a gift. He can’t enter Canada, or the Bahamas, and would need special permission to visit Australia and New Zealand. And no working in a casino in Vegas or New Jersey! Good thing the Taj Mahal’s already bankrupt.
But nope, no naysaying about injustice today, or even for the rest of the week! Trump is officially a felon. Justice lives another day in New York. Fill er up!
Let’s all laugh at that felonious fraud rapist creep long and hard!
As Heather Cox Richardson wrote last night (paraphrased):
Twelve citizens did what Republican senators refused to do twice.
-He'll never be investigated
-He'll never be charged
-He'll never be arrested
-He'll never go to trial
-He'll never be convicted
YOU ARE HERE
-He'll never go to prison