Happy Birthday Jeb! Bush, Don't Set Yourself On Fire With Those Candles

He doesn't look a day past potato

John Ellis J.E.B. Jeb Bush was squirted out of his mama's beautiful mind on this day, but in the last century, some 63 or so years ago, somewhere in the middle of a Texas oil field, probably. While his parents, Bar and Poppy, had hoped he'd be smarter than his drooling idiot big brother Dubya, t'was not to be, obviously, so the Bushes kept on trying to make a baby that didn't suck. T'was not to be either.

J'Ellis B failed upward, like a typical Bush, managing to keep himself out of the champagne unit of the Texas Air National Guard that decisively won the war on Jerry in the Nam, where his brother served except for the time he, uh, didn't.

[contextly_sidebar id="1Lbpa3P61xwL684pONbGc6cnPEUvQjoA"]Jeb went on to "work" for some of his dad's friends for a while, learned to speak Mexican, got married and made some anchor babies ( no offense ) with her, converted to Hispanicism, lost an election, and then became Number One Florida Man long enough to help his big brother steal the White House and keep a dead woman hooked up to machines to score some sweet "pro-life" points.

Let the record reflect, please, that Jebby isn't one of those extremist pro-lifers though, like some other Florida Mans he happens to know named Marco Rubio. He has said, for example, that he would "hell yeah!" do post-birth abortion to Baby Hitler, so he's not a complete monster.

[contextly_sidebar id="XCdOWEtPXgDkfsNFR3NdjAs41lbNb4Qj"]After doing a pretty shit job of governoring Florida, Jeb's dad hooked him up with some of his best friends who paid him a bunch of millions to sit around being Jeb Bush. Or, as Jeb puts it , he earned that $7 million annual salary all on his own, with his "hard work and experience."

[contextly_sidebar id="PrJgh34aQGODDuekFaGRyQad8OuOobNA"]Jeb was last seen struggling with a zipper and losing the fuck out of his sad pathetic train wreck of a "presidential campaign" intended to at long last win the approval of his parents. Future history books will note he won neither. 

However, since it is his birthday today, we shall refrain from our usual practice of pointing and laughing at how Jeb has managed to further disgrace his own family name even more than his Worst President EVER brother did, which is quite possibly Jeb's greatest accomplishment, since we were under the impression that was goddamned impossible.

So happy birthday, Jeb. Enjoy this gift we got you, of not mocking you today (much), and do treat yourself to a whole slice of blueberry pie after you finish smoking all your drugs . Oh, and try not to hurt yourself.