Happy St. Patrick's Day, Pete Hegseth! Tabs, Tues., March 17, 2026

What, is it not his favorite holiday?

Tabs gifs by Martini Glambassador!

Good morning, it is time for your tabs.

White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles has been diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer. May she have a speedy recovery and one day be brought to justice for any and all crimes she’s committed in her role as Donald Trump’s enabler. [Trump on Truth Social]

Speaking of crimes against humanity committed by the Trump regime, they’re now considering holding back HIV medication from Zambia unless the nation allows Trump to rape it for its minerals. [New York Times]

And speaking of the verb in that last sentence, here is Donald Trump talking about how he believes he’ll have the “honor” of “taking” Cuba “in some form.” He added, “I think I can do anything I want with it,” probably because he’s a celebrity. Wonder if that’s how he talked about any of the little girls in the Epstein Files.

Related: The Trump regime wants to replace the Castro regime with … the Castro regime!

If the US cuts off Zambia’s HIV medication, that’s coming out of Marco Rubio’s State Department. So it’s relevant that apparently the big GOP donors want Rubio to be the one who runs in Trump’s place in 2028. (No, not JD Vance, everybody throws up in their mouth when they see him, obviously.) Anyway, if Rubio is their great hope, MAGA is well and truly dead. [ABC News]

In war news, Donald Trump is really excited that maybe the new Iranian ayatollah is gay. Ooh, maybe he can go to the self-hating unfuckables club with Scott Bessent and Ric Grenell! [Mediaite]

In more serious war news, Donald Trump and Pete Hegseth have now gotten over 200 troops injured for absolutely no reason. [Washington Post]

Donald Trump may have been totally confused and surprised that Iran started attacking other countries — because he’s stupid, senile and brain-damaged — but nobody else was.

And in more war news, it’s official: Russia is the winner of Donald Trump’s Iran war. Surprise! You know, while they’re busy helping Iran kill American troops. [Bloomberg]

And the other winner of Trump’s Iran war? Um, well, Iran.

And another Russia headline: “Trump’s DOJ Is Helping a Convicted FBI Informant Tied to Russian Intelligence.” Surprise! [Mother Jones]

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More sunny midterm news for Republicans:

4.2 million fewer visitors from Canada in 2025 vs. the year before. They’re never coming back. [JoeMyGod]

White House very sad mean Mean Jimmy Kimmel made fun of Melania’s shitty movie getting nominated for no Oscars. Thoughts and prayers. [Daily Beast]

There is no bigger fucking dork alive than Kash Patel. Just holy shit, Christ what a weirdo, holy fuck.

Cool news coming out of America these days, as usual. No notes!

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