Have You Made Fun Of Jim Bakker Lately? Then You Are In Big Trouble WITH GOD.

Tetchy little pissant, ain't he?

All right you heathens, you'd just better stop making fun of Jim Bakker and his nigh inedible End Times Survival Food Buckets, because ol' Jim has been conferring with the Almighty, and the two of them are SICK AND TIRED of your blasphemies and mockery of Jim Bakker. So cut it out, or you are going to get an ETERNAL TIME OUT and probably no dessert. You meanies.

Apparently Rev. Bakker, who, yes, is still alive and still has a "show" of some kind on some cable channel in the channel numbers sane people don't tune to, has learned that some people actually keep track of the crazy shit he says, and he's tired of it. Why, he has a list of "31 things from God" that was given to him in 1999, and some of them definitely came true, like the attack on the World Trade Center. And yes, the actual name of the prophecies is "The 31 Things," which is exactly the sort of title God reveals to you when you're both a prophet and a complete chucklefuck. (You want a peek at the list? You need to give a LOVE GIFT. No, do not mail a handful of jizz to Jim Bakker, that would be wrong, and jizz does not travel well probably.)

Now, if you want to get all technical about it, the earliest claim we could find of any 9/11 prophecy was from 2006, when Bakker told viewers how accurately he'd seen it all in 1999, and wow, was his 2006 recounting of what he foretold in 1999 accurate! If Bakker published any such list in 1999, we couldn't find it. It's possible it was lost in that year's destruction of Moonbase Alpha.

But the point here is it's not fair to mock Jim Bakker's gift of prophecy, because has the future happened yet? Well HAS IT? Case closed: the clock is still ticking. Plus, God said anyone who questions a prophet is gonna get one heavenly spanking by the Hand of GOD:

The warning is pretty clear:

When God says something to you, you don’t always know the exact time it’s going to happen. And stop beating up the prophets, because God says,WHOA!

OK, that's not quite it. But there's this long pause, and it sure sounded like God was a surfer. What God actually says is "WOE! Unto you when you beat up on the prophets." (That's an accurate quote of Bakker, but not of the King James Bible verse that flashed on the screen, if you're keeping score.)

But you know who's really keeping score? That's right, it's GOD! He is very busy tallying all those who mock Jim Bakker! Especially places that only watch Jim Bakker to call attention to what a loonybird he is, like, say, Right Wing Watch.

God is speaking to his people [...] Even Satan and donkeys talked to God. The only ones who probably aren’t talking to God these days are mean people in America, people who just are anti-Christ.

If you don’t want to hear it, just shut me off. Especially you folks that monitor me every day to try to destroy me. Just go away. You don’t have to be there, you don’t have to hear it. But one day, you’re going to shake your fist in God’s face and you’re going to say, "God, why didn’t you warn me?" And He’s going say, "You sat there and you made fun of Jim Bakker all those years. I warned you but you didn’t listen."

Darned if Right Wing Watch didn't just rush right out and put that very video up on the internets, to try to destroy Jim Bakker. They are messing with powers they don't understand, like the power of a self-righteous has-been. They'd better clean up their act, or it'll be an eternity of dehydrated food buckets for them.

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[ RightWingWatch / NPR ]