Hello! It Is I, Vladimir Putin, Come To Talk At You Of Freedom Of Internet!

Greetings, diseased offal of Western capitalism! It is I, Vladimir Putin, here again to make the speaking to your Wonkette! Is most grateful privilege that I speak at you about most important news in Russia this week. More important than invasion of Ukraine, even! And is not invasion. We were invited. Yes, this is true! Many Russians in Ukraine have much fear and Ukraine government make much trouble, so they ask mighty Russian troops for help. We will stay just until Russian people feel safe. Then leave. Pinky swear!

But is not what we talk about today, yes? Today I speak with you about important subject of bloggers and news and Internet, which everyone knows is CIA mind control device for you to Gogol – excuse please, Google – ex-girlfriends, to make sure Rhonda and Haley and Ashley as miserably alone as you. Also for you to say things about Vladimir Putin. Mean things. Why Americans hurt Vladimir’s feelings when he treats you well? Vladimir has not even invaded your country. Your Alaska is too cold and populated by potato-brained opezdols. He does not want your Alaska. You may keep! Is yours!

Vladimir can do nothing about mean things you say in America. But in Russia, is no problem to crush bloggers, much like Stalin once crushed peasants protesting Five Year Plans. Is no place in Russia for your Reddit or your Facebook or your Buzzfeed. Which brings point: why is Buzzfeed? “Ten Times Angelina Jolie Made Us Wish We Were Brad Pitt”? I will tell your President Obama, I know why Americans soft like baby seal while Russians hard, like baby seal trained by Spetsnaz. 

Which is why Vladimir signed new law this week to make Internet much more nice place. Now any web-site that has 3000 visitors must only print accurate information. What is accurate? Whatever Vladimir says! Or FSB will shoot you. Ha ha, I kid. FSB will imprison and torture you first.

Also no more being anonymous online. If you say mean things about Vladimir, say to face! Look at picture above. Is threatening? Nyet ! You can tell Vladimir anything. Would be bad for Wonkette in Russia. No more of your cruel tauntings online, “Doktor Zoom,” unless that is real name. Also no using profanities. Cursing offends Vladimir’s delicate ears.

Americans say is terrible for Vladimir to do this. Vladimir says, look at own country. Look at how your, how you say, wingnuts make life miserable for President Obama with many web-sites that have much traffic reading lies day in and day out, which lies then get to members of your Congress, which then use lies to make money. Ha, not problem in Russia, where electorate well-educated by whatever Vladimir tells it.

Many times I tell President Obama, you shut down web-sites of terrible liars in political opposition like another new law allows Vladimir to do and which he has already done to opponents writing terrible lies. You can do it too! You are mighty tyrant with jackbooted thugs of federal government, according to Internet. No more of Jew Ben Shapiro. No more Stupidest Man on Internet. Why you not do this? Then Obama lectures Vladimir about law and freedom of expression and American values. To which Vladimir says, zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. He drones on much, President Obama.

Ha ha, “drones.” See what Vladimir did there?

I must also thank your American comrade Edward Snowden for bringing to attention problem of your NSA spying on Internet. Now new laws allows Russia to stop NSA with more control of Internet. In Russia, anyway.Spying onMonitoring of Russian Internet is for Russian government only! I assure you, Mr. Snowden agrees. No, he cannot tell you himself. Is busy being interro….um, spending time with new friends in Russian security services. Take Vladimir’s word: is more free here than in America, because no NSA! Simple logic once is explained to Mr. Snowden.

Old Russian saying: If bear wants to fuck you in ass, do not struggle, you will only make him mad.

Little Wonkettoviches, thank you for allowing Vladimir time to make speaking with you! I enjoy chats. Enjoy your “freedom” if that is what you still call it.

[ New York Times ]