Hello! Score Is I, Vladimir Putin: One, Weird Boy-Man Tucker Carlson: Zero
Vladimir wins! Suck it, America!
Greetings, feeble Cossack fucknuggets of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, and I would make the speaking with you today except I am very tired from making the speaking with American capitalist preppy Tucker Carlson for two hours this week. Bozhe moy! Did you see interview? Such strange little man! He looked so confused the whole time. Like little puppy with first chew toy. He bite, toy squeak, he hop away and stare at toy for two minutes as if it might bite back. Then he bite again, toy squeak, he yip, Vladimir laugh at him.
Of course it did not look like Vladimir laugh. It look more like Vladimir squint in irritation when diseased jackal Tucker Carlson dare interrupt him. Did Tucker not appreciate thirty-minute history lesson that opened interview? Look, went like this:
VLADIMIR: Then, in 1062, Peter the Pusilanimous surrendered false Ukraine province to Lithuanian duchy ...
TUCKER: Mr. President …
VLADIMIR: Great Russian people rebelled against the cowardly Peter. In confusion, Poland sent flocks of Baltic geese to poop all over Moscow …
TUCKER: This is great. I’m just not sure it’s relevant.
VLADIMIR: You will see relevance if you are patient and stay quiet. Now, Baltic geese have insatiable love of Russian tvorog. So glorious Russian people fed them much tvorog until they grow fatter and lazier than American teenager and can no longer poop. Was great victory. The Lithuanian duchy then retreated …
You see? I give very important lesson to Americans about why Russia is greatest, most ingenious country in world, and Tucker Carlson wants to ask Vladimir’s opinion about some silly American hallucination like democracy or homosexuals, neither of which we even have in Mother Russia. Perhaps he also would have asked who Vladimir is betting on in American Super Bowl next if I had not grown irritated with his nattering and ended interview.
Kansas City Indigenous Men, by the way. Defending champs with Patrick Mahomes, and your bookies have them at +2.5? Take the points! Moneyline is also good bet. Don’t take Gold Diggers and then cry to Vladimir later, I will laugh and say I told you so. Then I will have bodyguards shoot you.
Anyway. I think Tucker had good time in Moscow. He visited Kremlin. He saw snow. No one shot him. He attended theater that did not get attacked by Chechen separatists in middle of Act Two.
But was not all fun and games. He told depraved Americans he was only journalist to interview Vladimir since start of special military operation. Is not true! Only Western journalist, perhaps. But Western journalists want to ask things like “Mr. President, why did you invade peaceful neighbor for no reason” and “President Putin, are you a war criminal?” Which is why I never talk to Western reporters, they lie like good Azerbaijani rug.
Tucker, on other hand, would ask good questions like how Vladimir is right about phony nation of Ukraine and how Vladimir is very smart and how Russia is good moral Christian country while America is decadent craphole.
Look at way American media jumped on your President Biden on Thursday for being barely sentient CIA cuckold. Why would Kremlin let diseased donkey vaginas of Western media into country to try and embarrass Vladimir — not that they could, I am not feeble old idiot — when they can stay in America and embarrass your President Biden, who is feeble old idiot? Did you see press conference? Vladimir would have had entire press corps driven straight from White House to Siberian labor camp if they attacked him like common democracy activist or degenerate lesbian basketball player or Wall Street Journal reporter.
Not that I am complaining! By all means, American reporters, keep spotlight on Joe Biden’s age while ignoring that Donald Trump cannot walk two steps without babbling like taiga lynx with head injury about border or rigged elections or Taylor Swift. You might save great Russian intelligence services much time and effort setting up sock puppet accounts on your social media sites to exploit anger and get Trump elected again.
Theoretically! We have never meddled in such a way before. You heard nothing! Please continue to use great Elon Musk Twitter site, for democracy!
[Tucker Carlson / Washington Post]
Your donations will definitely not go to paying Tucker Carlson six bucks so we can hear what he thought of his own terrible interview.
I, Vladimir Vladimirovich, am reliably informed that proletariat of Wonkettski enjoy, as you call them, punes. Prepare to be made to laugh!
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Q: What do I, Vladimir Vladimirovich, have in common with a certain smart insect that makes honey?
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A: We are both cagey bee!
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HAHAHAHA!
You, in third row, why are not laughing? Perhaps you would like free trip to Kamchatka Oblast?
OT: I am not wealthy, but as long as I have one or two purring cats within arm's reach I feel rich.