Hello! Trust Me, Vladimir Putin, When I Promise Russian Soldiers Are Not Eating Each Other

They're not starving, you're starving!

Greetings and hello, slack-jawed American ninnyhammers of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, back to make the talk to you. It has been some time since we spoke, da? Let us just consult glorious Wonkette archive ... not since phony Western Christmas has Vladimir checked in. So long ago! So long ago, even Mets fans had not yet lost all hope for season. As usual, they waited until February.

Ha ha, just a little America’s pastime humor, Wonkette! Vladimir does not care for baseball. He does not, how do you say, get it? Pitcher generously tries to throw you ball, and instead of catching and keeping, you try to hit ball as far away from you as you can. Why do you not just keep baseball? Why do you not collect all baseballs in secret Swiss bank accounts while other Americans go baseball-less? If terrified Russian oligarch gives Vladimir Rolls Royce Ghost as show of appreciation for letting him make money and not skydive from window, Vladimir does not immediately put it in glorious revolutionary catapult and shoot it into Ural Mountains. What would be point?

Did you think your friend Vladimir had abandoned you? Nyet! Vladimir would never abandon Wonkette. Is only American outlet where he gets to show off humorous side. New York Times is always so serious. It is always “Mr. President, how long will you stay in Ukraine” this and “Mr. President, do you hate the men who say they are women as much as we do” that. Borrrrring!

Let Vladimir make joke. Or he will have you shot. Ha ha! More joke! Or is it? Maybe!

But Vladimir did not come here today to talk American baseball. There is much other news to be talked at to you about special military operation that is not war in Ukraine. Granted, calling conflict that has 1.2 million Russian casualties “not a war” might seem strange. But is not war! And there have not been 1.2 million Russian casualties. Glorious Russian soldiers simply napping. When they wake up, look out, Zionist Nazi government of Ukraine!

But. There is report out in stupid Western newspaper that Russian soldiers in special military operation in phony nation of Ukraine don’t have food. Is much blah blah about supply lines and difficulty of keeping them going in winter and strong Russian soldiers eating rations that expired in 2002. Pigwash! Robust Russian supply lines are better than puny Ukrainian supply lines. Russian supply lines: strong like strong Russian bear. Ukrainian supply lines: weak and girly like weak and girly Ukrainian bear.

Is simply Western lies that soldier with ironic call sign “Limpy” cut leg off dead comrade and attempted to eat it. Dead comrade had actually lost leg in poker game. Is it other soldier’s fault he did not know how to make tourniquet? If leg was eaten, and Vladimir is not saying this happened, well, what else was soldier supposed to do? Let perfectly good leg go to waste? If dead soldier were chicken, would you stop other chickens from eating leg?

Of course, if your chickens eat each other, you might have big problem! Chickens have become werewolves! Why not? It happened with rabbit in big Wallace & Gromit documentary.

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Command The Russian People: Get To F*cking!

But paper says Russian troops are eating each other. Is not true! Now, Russian troops are eating North Koreans glorious comrade Kim Jong-un sent to help in special military operation. And he said we could. He said, “Magnificent comrade Vladimir, my men will fight to death. You would even be doing me a favor. Is very hard feeding majestic North Korean people as it is. Think of North Korean soldiers as library books you don’t have to return. Very edible library books. Ha ha, did I say edible?”

Is true, he said this to Vladimir! And even then, strong Russian soldiers not eating much. North Korean soldiers too stringy. Very little protein.

Besides, Russian soldiers do not require much food. Russian soldiers can fight for days on nothing more than dirt and army vodka. You know of army vodka, Wonkette? It is made by soaking rotten potatoes in engine grease scraped out of blown-up tanks. Is good stuff! Will put hair on your chest and chests of all your descendants. Even the women.

Is also not true that March was first month in over two years Russian soldiers did not capture Ukraine territory. Russia is always capturing Ukraine territory! Is Russian territory now! Buildings all have onion domes now, no takebacks!

Truth is, army took month off to work on NCAA brackets. Wait until April report, was big month.

Also is not true that annual May 9 parade will not have any military equipment because we needed it all for special military operation. Nor is it true we will not have military cadets marching because they are all at front being ground up into hamburger. Russia has plenty of missiles and soldiers! Whoever says otherwise is uninvited from parade. They all must attend alternate event in Siberian gulag instead.

As friend Donald says, thank you for your attention to this matter! And as we add in Russia, or else I will shoot you!

[Sunday Times]

There has never been a better time to support independent journalism. Specifically, Wonkette.