Herman Cain Says He'd Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Deep Thoughts

Chronic zipper-fumbling opportunist Herman Cain, possibly smelling blood in the water, briefly resurfaced late last week to tell reporters covering his speech at the University of Florida that he would likely have a "substantial lead" over President Obama if he'd been the Republican nominee. As our recent review of a book advocating Southern secession indicates, we are big fans of fantastically improbable alternate-reality stories, so, sure, Herman, go ahead and tell us all about it:

“The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,”

...said the man who quoted the wisdom of the Pokemon 2000 movie and whose deficit-ballooning "9-9-9" tax proposal apparently originated in the video game "Sim City 4." 

Mr. Cain also explained that the recent flap over Romney's "47 percent" coments was a "non-story," presumably because 47 is a really boring number that can't be chanted and is not a homophone for anything in German. He believes the story of Romney calling half of Americans irresponsible moochers has simply been blown out of proportion by the media, and added that he looks forward to becoming a member of the media when he replaces screaming madman Neal Boortz on radio.

Cain also said that he would not be interested in a cabinet position with a possible Romney administration because even though he has a rich fantasy life, he's not completely divorced from reality just yet.

In his speech to 300 college students, part of his “College Truth Tour,” Cain repeated what has become his favorite tag line, “Stupid people are ruining America, and we've got to take it back."

Mr. Cain then reportedly expressed satisfaction at winning the 2012 Dunning-Kruger Achievement Prize.

[ Gainesville Sun ]