Hero Lawsuit Dude Will Stop Apple From Ramming Porn Down Your Throat

 
 Ahem. We were under the impression that we had addressed the key purpose of the internet last week, when we told you what you already know:  the internet is for porn. Apparently there is one dude who lives in Tennessee who believes that the internet is for other stuff AND that Apple should have protected him from all the sweet delicious porn he ended up consuming:

A Tennessee man has requested that Apple add a "safe mode" to its Internet-connected products that will prevent users from easily accessing pornography....

[Chris] Sevier said Apple devices should be locked down to filter out pornographic content on Safari, though those over 18 should be able to acquire a password from Apple to unlock the adult material. If Apple agrees to this filter, Sevier said he will drop his lawsuit.

Aww yeah, double wrap the internet so it is EXTRA hard to get to the porn. First, Apple will cockblock you and then Safari will. Who WOULDN'T want this feature? Oh, right, everyone would not want that feature because if you've ever dealt with the hostile randomness of search filters, you wouldn't wish them on anyone and also everyone wants porn. Except Chris Sevier. Who also thinks you shouldn't want porn, of course.

We are not sure why this dude is not suing Microsoft or Dell or Alienware or everybody else? Perhaps he thinks that you have to have a MacBook to get to the porn?

Sevier basically claims that buying a MacBook ruined his life because Apple's Safari browser didn't block access to porn -- and it all got started when he "accidentally" typed in f**kbook.com rather than Facebook.com.

"Before purchasing a MacBook the plaintiff had never seen pornographic images...

We just spent some quality time (ok like 5 seconds, actually) trying to see if it would be easy to turn "facebook" into "fuckbook" via typos, but then we realized that those letters are nowhere near each other and we think that this dude's subconscious was likely going all Ouija Board on him, whispering "fuck fuck porn porn" in his ear until he just couldn't help himself. So what bad things happen when you see all this porn? All of them, Katie:  

Pornographic websites, however, led to the demise of his marriage, according to Sevier.

"Apple has a duty to society to not interfere with marital contracts, to decrease the number of children being orphaned or being raised in single parent homes and from decreasing the chances of American women traveling abroad from being sex trafficked," Sevier says.

Not surprisingly, the filing contradicts itself quite a few times. Sevier claims that pornography should be legal and then rails against it for several pages, at one point claiming that "the human heart is what's at stake" and that "Apple is hijacking great sex by failing to sell its products in safe mode." He also argues that Apple should block Backpage.com from everyone, even those with the "porn password."

Yeah, if there's one thing that gets us super hot, it is NOT being able to look at porn, or to only look at porn after we get a password or twelvety first. We're pretty much OK with the Backpage.com blocking because we do not need to read personals from pathetic people or endless "massage therapist" ads or thinly-veiled sex trafficking advertisements BECAUSE WE ARE NOT LONELY TERRIBLE PEOPLE-PURCHASING MONSTERS! Also, too, because there's one thousand million billion petaflop bytes or something of ACTUAL NAKED PEOPLE PORN that we can watch instead because god bless the internet forever and ever amen.

[ PCMagazine ]