Hero Mom Will Save Her Homeschooled Babies From The Unending Imaginary Terror Of Common Core

Do you find yourself worrying about things that really will never happen, like aliens eating your face or "Freaks and Geeks" getting a second season 14 years later? Then perhaps you should consider joining forces with Jenni White, the crusading mom who is worried her homeschooled children will be sullied by the satanic influence of the Common Core standards, which might actually be a thing to worry about except for the fact that homeschooled children do not have to follow educational standards, satanic or otherwise, BUT STILL.

In Oklahoma and elsewhere, home-schooling parents, often with their kids, are a frequent presence at legislative hearings and other political functions representing anti-Common Core forces. Sometimes, as in White's case, they are even leading the opposition.

Home-schooling parents can teach their kids what they choose, but many of these parents still have a big beef with the standards.

We have a beef with lots of things. Leggings worn as pants. Saying "utilize" when you really could just say "use." Rainy days and Mondays. However, if you want to dance around in the goddamn Monday rain utilizing leggings as pants, who the fuck are we to stop you? What earthly reason is there behind being so mad at a thing that will never touch your children's precious ears? (And is also, in the case of the Common Core standards, utterly benign to begin with, but let's not even go there.) Is it because you're terrified of math? (Probably.) Is it because the black Kenyan Muslin pretender supports them? (Most likely!)

Oh. The real reason you're mad is that you want your precious little snowflakes to learn nothing but Jeebus and creationism, but still get into top colleges, basically.

[Emmett McGroarty, director of education at the conservative American Principles Project] said there is a concern that the ACT and the College Board, which owns the SAT, are moving toward aligning with the standards. That, he said, would leave home-schooling parents no choice other than to follow the standards if they want their kids to do well on the college entrance exams.

That is exactly true! Colleges can and should require that children have learned certain things before they matriculate and spend the next four, five, six, whatever yearsdoing keg standslearning biology. If you don't like it, send your kids to Liberty University or Oral Roberts or wherever the fuck will take your kids that don't know how to count but can sing "Jesus loves me" real gooder. That will guarantee your kids never have to learn anything, really. Everybody wins.

[ Associated Press ]