Hey When Did That Jerk Start Working There? A Guide To 2013’s Least Important Media Hirings

Are you a huge sports fan? Of course not. You are reading Wonkette, which means that you spent gym class defending yourself from a cloud of dodgeballs being thrown in your direction with copies of Mad Magazine and A People’s History to the United States. Well, in between seasons in professional sports, there is this thing called “free agency” where teams negotiate with players and eventually sign them to contracts after discussing salary, benefits, and specific performance clauses. It’s something like one of those fancy “union negotiations” that your grandpa used to tell you about back when he had a job that was able to provide for his family of 12.

The news media that you compulsively ingest like the foie gras goose that you are doesn’t have a defined “season.” Its awfulness is spread out throughout the year to make sure that every nook and cranny of your brain is covered in a fine and even sheen of bullshit. But in the last week, THREE prominent folks whose names will immediately prompt shudders in the deepest depths of your soul have new jobs within the punditry universe! That’s right, GM is alive and journalistic integrity remains dead because Meghan McCain, Tucker Carlson, and Dana Loesch all have new homes from which to continue polluting the world with their derivative brands of battery-acid caustic drivel.

Meghan McCain

 Where She’s Been : She was writing occasional posts for what is left of Tina Brown’s media empire while occasionally appearing on MSNBC in a worthless attempt to make Luke Russert appear like less of an embarrassing failure of nepotism. Oh and she wrote a few awful books along the way to further capitalize on her entirely undeserved status as an influential political leader of the 20-something set.

 Where She’s Going : Participant Media, who are apparently the same folks behind “An Inconvenient Truth” as well as the much more embarrassing anti-union mess that was “Waiting for Superman,” is flush with enough cash to not only start its own cable network (“Pivot” -- because why not) but to also give McCain her own show . What pray tell does America’s least influential young conservative have to tell the world? Not much according to the teaser:

"Raising McCain”... will follow her as she hits the road to speak to "unexpected experts, regular people and members of her generation, exploring the most important and unusual questions of the day framed by Meghan’s experiences in her personal life." The series has received an order for 10 half-hour episodes.

So it’s a less entertaining or enlightening version of Sarah Palin’s last foray into the well played out world of celebrity-based reality television. Great hustle there, Pivot execs! Enjoy the shareholder lawsuit when this thing tanks!

 Pros : She and her incessant giggling nonsense will no longer degrade the perfect and sacrosanct stage on the Rachel Maddow Show.

 Cons : It’s been nice not hearing a peep from her since last fall -- and now it’s all about to end. WHY GOD!!!

 Should I care : Absolutely not. This network is hedging all of its bets on an internet-based call-in show featuring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. And no that is not a joke.

Tucker Carlson

 Where He’s Been:  Speaking of unearned fame and fortune, Tucker has been a busy little sociopath in the last few years, between hosting his own racist little pennysaver and essentially setting fire to Sheldon Adelson’s investment on a daily basis. His visage has also graced Fox’s various shows from time to time to fill in for someone less gross and apologize from time to time whenever the Daily Caller drifts from its default setting of “somewhat disgusting” over to “holy fuck what is wrong with those people.”

 Where He’s Going:  Tucker Carlson apparently has the most convincing agent in the history of media because despite failing horrendously at CNN and MSNBC within the last decade, Fox has decided that it alone can tame this wild stallion of boring patronizing upper class conservatism into a marketable commodity. So expect to see the bow-tied clown of the yacht clubdoing his best Chris Hayes Impression for “Fox and Friends Weekends,” which, surprisingly, is an actual show.

 Pros:  Weekend audiences will hopefully be treated to Tucker’s eventual court mandated apology live on air when he eventually has to admit to paying off hookers in the Menendez story that his outfit so fantastically shit the bed on this year. Plus we might be privy to more TUCKER CARLSON ACTION MAN stories involving himbravely gay bashing his way through the mean streets of Washington D.C .

 Cons:  There is a small yet distinct possibility that he might have Matt Boyle on air someday....on a weekend morning.....IN HD!!!

 Should I care:  Do you ever punish yourself while being hungover by watching Carlson blather on about how everyone who isn’t him is worthless first thing Saturday Morning? Of course not. Flip over to Spongebob and smoke a bowl like a real American.

Dana Loesch

Where She’s Been: Suing the shit out of her former employer, the estimable corpse de Breitbart, for literally making her a slave in service to what’s left of dear leader’s empire. No for real that’s what she’s alleging in her complaint :

[Loesch's] relationship with the news and opinion aggregating website had gone “tragically awry,” Breibart.cοm LLC refused to let her work for the company or anyone else, forcing her into “indentured servitude in limbo.”

 Where She’s Going : Loesch has overcome that harrowing time in the middle passage of bloggerdom and is not waiting for her 40 Biocotin’s and a mule from the nice folks at Breitbart. Instead she has taken her talents to the League of the South’s favorite bloog, RedState . Presumably Loesch will further Erick “ David Souter was a child molesting goat fucker ” Erickson’s reputation for excellence in journalism with her own brand of insightful commentary concerning chickenhawk-flavored watersports .

 Pros : More assholes in your office will be fired for reading her nonsense online when they thought they were clicking on the more innocuous of the conservative news media sites instead of the red hot insanity of this midwestern demon lady.

 Cons : If Erickson’s ascendency from “douchebag on the internet” to “respected television commentator” and her own all too brief foray into cable news is any indication, Loesch could be making the jump to TV on a permanent basis before you can finish saying " Todd Akin Comeback Tour. ”

 Should I care : Are you the person at Media Matters or Right Wing Watch who monitors the insane bullshit that she writes in order to document it and embarrass her and her allies with it at a later time? If not then by all means no. Continue to read the more entertaining articles over at World Net Daily.

[ The Wrap / Politico / RedState ]