It is not every day that we have the opportunity to write about new discoveries in the fields of chronometry.
Of course, it is not every day that someone invents a new unit of time. But Donald Trump has now invented two in his not quite six years in office. Something else to add to the ever-growing list of his achievements, we guess!
We had not even gotten around to writing anything about Katie Zacharia, the now-former White House press secretary who held the job for about the length of the lower end of the lifespan of an Indian meal moth. Announced as the new White House press secretary on Monday morning, she was gone on Friday after five of the more awkward and disastrous days of a debut that you will ever see anywhere.
Thus is born a new unit of time: the zacharia. The zacharia is five days long, a little less than half the length of a scaramucci, which is 11 days long and famously named for the length of time that walking stereotype Anthony Scaramucci served as communications director in Trump’s first term. This makes a scaramucci just over two zacharias long. Or one zacharia is approximately .45 of a scaramucci. We think. Math was our worst subject in school.
Whatever it is, how cool is it to witness the discovery of something as momentous as time? We were practically giddy watching everyone on social media learn of this remarkable moment on Friday afternoon. This, we thought, must be how Sir JJ Thompson felt when he discovered the electron.
Zacharia was a weird choice from the beginning. She came to Trump’s attention the way most things do: by being on TV, where she seems to have been a not-overly-in-demand conservative commentator. She was a law school graduate whom we all found out this week had never passed the bar or practiced law or apparently done much of anything professionally. Which is fine, she also has four kids, so we imagine she has been extremely busy.
Our opinion is that Zacharia is a dilettante who, bored with everything else she had tried and figuring the wingnut gravy train was an obvious choice, decided after a few Fox hits that this press secretary stuff couldn’t be that hard. It sounded like a fun little lark!
We can’t wait to find out what whimsical career move she flounders into next. Our guess is selling real estate.
Then after a weird first press briefing where Zacharia gave the impression she had never read anything aloud in English before, she spent a couple of days sitting through brutal interviews with right-wingers in a desperate attempt to clean things up. How badly did that go? Sean Hannity — SEAN FREAKING HANNITY — was tougher on her than he has probably ever been on any conservative he has ever interviewed:
It is a little unclear how Trump landed on Zacharia. CNN reports that he hadn’t seemed to be in any hurry to fill the job after Karoline Leavitt left, so it wasn’t a crisis until it was:
But the intensifying political problems for Republicans — and the blame Trump was catching for the party’s woes — appeared to kickstart his search. After struggling for weeks to land a new press secretary, Trump suddenly became fixated on filling the role, complaining to advisers he had no one pushing his message.
Not enough people on TV praising Dear Leader, and he’s anxious to find other people to blame for the Red Wedding scenario the Republicans might be facing in the midterms.
Somehow Trump tumbled onto Zacharia — Schwing! — and brought her in for an interview on Friday:
During their conversation, which Wiles was not present for, Trump spontaneously offered Zacharia the job, a source familiar with the matter said. Aides rushed to inform Wiles of the decision.
Oh, Susie Wiles, you left the toddler alone and unattended? You can’t take your eyes off them for a minute! That’s how you wind up with walls graffitied with permanent marker and your dog trying to hang itself.
Oh well. That “spontaneously offer the unqualified hot chick the most important job in my administration” move worked out great for John McCain, which is why President Sarah Palin now occupies the White House after eight blissful years as the nation’s #2, right?
Trump’s brain is so gone, who knows what he was thinking. He might have thought he was offering the job to Ivanka, or that he was talking to a Muppet.
Imagine you are his staff, though. You run yourself ragged trying to find someone who would be dumb enough to want the press secretary’s job, only to see the old man offer it when you’re not even in the room to some inexperienced Newsmax B-lister simply because she’s blonde and Natalie Harp likes her. Ha ha ha, you dumb motherfuckers.
To ease the sting for Zacharia, the administration claimed she would be moving into some new and awesome undetermined role. Then it made sure she would say no by getting JD Vance to host her and her husband and kids for dinner at his house.
At least someone in this White House still knows how to play the game without dumping the gameboard in the toilet. Which is lucky, because the plumbers are all booked for at least the next four zacharias.
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The NY Jets immediately sign her to a three year deal.
I choose to believe that Sean Spicer is riding that motorized podium into the sunset for all eternity.