Hillary Clinton Beats Up Crippled Children, Takes Their Candy And Parking Space

</center>What terrible thing did Hillary Clinton do now? Why, she parked her Scooby Van in a handicapped spot -- <a href="http: //louderwithcrowder.com/hillary-clinton-parking-in-handicap-spaces-and-laughing/" target="_blank">and laughed about it!</a> Look, there is even video! And in case you cannot believe it, the Very Offended Krystal Heath, associate producer for conservative "comedian" Steven Crowder, wrote a trillion words about it and how she is Personally Very Offended, also she has a photograph to point out the offensive parking job: <p>Do you see?!?! <i>There</i> is the "Handicapped Parking" sign, and <i>right there</i> is Hillary Clinton's van. (If only we had an arrow pointing out Hillary Clinton. She is the one in pink. Trying to play the gender card to pander to chicks, obviously.) </p><p>When we were first alerted to this BREAKING news that Hillary Clinton hates <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/prepare-madame-guillotine-hillary-clinton-did-not-tip-at-fast-food-restaurant-chipotle-exclamation-point">the working class stiffs at Chipotle</a> -- sorry, that was earlier this week, where were we? Oh yes, when we first learned that there is video evidence that Hillary Clinton hates handicapped drivers and wants to steal all their parking spots from them and then laugh evilly right in their faces, we were, of course appalled. Shame on Hillary Clinton! And indeed, her van does appear to be idling in a handicapped parking spot, but huh, there is Hillary Clinton, not actually in it, so maybe she did not park it there her own self, but still. BUT STILL! It must be one of her evil Hillbot staffers who parked it there, for shame, <i>for shame</i>. Hillary Clinton's entire campaign should self-deport back to the hottest parts of the hell-fires from which it came, but only after she has some stern words with her staffers about how they should not steal handicapped parking spots, that is BAD and WRONG (really, it is, we are not being sarcastic here). </p><p><a href="http://time.com/3819355/hillary-clinton-scooby-doo-van/" target="_blank">Or maybe not:</a> </p><p/><blockquote>Clinton, who has said the last time she drove was in 1996, is not in the driver’s seat, instead leaving it to a member of her Secret Service detail.</blockquote> <p>Oh right. As a former first lady, Hillary Clinton has a Secret Service detail, which we <em>think</em> (???) is not part of her campaign staff? But journalist Daniel Halper, who wrote a book about her one time, says a Secret Service agent who was on her detail way back when said she's totes a "backseat driver." </p><p>So yes! She probably <i>did</i> demand that her driver "Oooh, grab that open spot there!" That the car was, per the video, idling immediately in front of the store Clinton was visiting probably has nothing to do with Secret Service protocols. We tried to Google it to get to The Truth, but for some strange reason, the Secret Service does not publicize its exact protocols. That seems unfair, because how are rando nutjobs who want to harm, say, the president of the United States, and others in the agency's protection, supposed to be able to do that if the Secret Service will not share exactly how it does its job? When its agents aren't sexting or partying with hookers, that is. </p><p>[contextly_sidebar id="16LZx6bMXHB8XfrvEnbfSjbBABZ5Ge3Q"] </p><p><i>Anyway.</i> We expect this latest SCANDAL! to blow over in about, oh [<i>checks iClock</i>] five seconds, despite the collective orgasm from the conservative interwebs that there is EVEN MORE PROOF! that Hillary Clinton sucks. And really, we get it. We do! It's very hard for conservatives right now, because they want to beat Clinton <i>so bad</i>, but all their candidates suck <i>so hard</i>, and as of now, the best they've got are some old recycled -gates that never went anywhere two decades ago and won't stick this time either. </p><p>Of course, if conservatives wanted to lob some legitimate criticisms against Hillary Clinton, they could. There is her support for George Bush's invasion of Iraq in 2003, for example. Or her former opposition to marriage equality at the federal level. (She's cool with that now, though. Maybe go the flip-flop route?) They could say she's too moderate, too hawkish, too cozy with Big Business -- she served on the board of directors of Walmart in the '80s, you know. They could point out that she's perpetrated the stigmatization of abortion by saying it's a practice that should be <a href="http://www.ontheissues.org/Cabinet/Hillary_Clinton_Abortion.htm" target="_blank">"safe, legal, and rare."</a> </p><p>Oh, but darn it, they cannot. Because they love war -- and Walmart! -- and as for saying Hillary Clinton isn't quite feminist enough? Hahahahahah OH OUR SIDES. </p><p>Guess they'll be sticking with their not-so-gotcha videos that Hillary Clinton is just pure evil, and worse, that she's Hillary Clinton. What? It <i>might</i> work. Eventually. </p><p>[<a href="http://louderwithcrowder.com/hillary-clinton-parking-in-handicap-spaces-and-laughing/" target="_blank">Louder With Crowder</a> / <a href="http://time.com/3819355/hillary-clinton-scooby-doo-van/" target="_blank">Time</a>]</p>