Hillary Is Going To Come Out! Exclusive! Must Credit Wonkette For Writing About the Enquirer!
Remember John Edwards? You do, and you are sad about it, yeah? Your own little progressive Icarus who flew too close to the bright hot sun of the National Enquirer and then fell to earth, wings aflame, or hurtled into the sun, or exploded or something. We do not know because we skipped Greek classics in high school to get high instead. Anyway! Remember John Edwards? Remember that one time the National Enquirer got a thing right? And now we have to actually pay attention when they "break" (make up) a big "story" (fanfic fap fantasy) about how Hillz is just a big lesbo:
Insiders say the biggest bombshell Hillary will drop is the flagrant lie she’s been telling for decades about the true nature of her sexuality.
“Bill and Hillary are the consummate politicians, and they realize the LGBT community is a huge voting bloc,” said a family insider.
“They want lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgender people behind Hillary in the 2016 campaign. So Hillary’s going to come clean for the votes. She’ll admit that she’s bisexual and has had lesbian relationships.”
WE KNEW IT. Making pretty much the whole Eastern seaboard gay, making inroads into the Midwest to spread the gay, turning Hillary gay...the gays will stop at NOTHING because they are such a huge voting block and will fucking own the next election and all elections forevermore. BOW TO US STRAIGHT PEOPLE BECAUSE WE ARE YOUR NEW GODS.
Apparently Hillary has been sending coded messages to all the gays telling them she's gay for them:
Hillary dropped a major hint about her coming out in March when she announced her support of gay marriage in a six-minute video.
“Hillary sent a clear message about her true feelings, saying that her ‘personal views’ about gay life and marriage ‘have been shaped over time by people I have known and loved,’” explained the source.
“While Hillary wasn’t specific about the identity of those ‘people,’ her book will reveal all the details.”
Couldn't those people just be people she knew and liked or people who kept really nice lawns? Naw. Can't be.
The Enquirer also has the scoop, the deets, the skinny on how for real Hillary was afeared she might have brain cancer instead of just a plain old Benghazi tumor, how she was vomitous-level of sad when Bill came clean about Monica, and how she wanted to show American Bin Laden's blood-riddled body but Bamz was too much of a pussy.
Like you needed a tell-all book to know who had the bigger balls in the Obama-Hillary relationship. But hey - we'll probably buy the thing just to see the naked pictures and learn how she orchestrated Benghazi, the greatest, most confusing cover-up in American history.
Wait. Where is this chap-stick?
Hockey player?
Well, okay.