Hispanic Rep. Steve King Knows Ted Cruz Isn't Some Gross Foreign Mexicuban Alien

Expert of foreigns.

[contextly_sidebar id="lEXcNYcuOgYcZxBaQl901DNxi66uUPF0"]The birther-baiting of Ted Cruz, by his own party (which hates him so much), is in full swing, and it could not be more glorious. It started Monday with Donald Trump just casually suggesting that it would be a real damn shame if he became president and immediately had to deport Ted Cruz back to whatever commie Mexican banana republic he's REALLY from. Then Ann Coulter said "AYUP! He can't be president of America, you can smell the poutine tacos on his breath!" Then former Miss Panama, John McCain, chimed right in and said, "WALNUTS! is American, and Ted Cruz is a bad Spanish Canadian man."

[contextly_sidebar id="HY8IklDXSE7x3QSUacdKfuBZ7fetZYaD"]Does the senator from Havana-by-way-of-Calgary have any friends out there to confirm that Cruz's bacon-wrapped weenus pole jizzes red, white and blue? Si, senor ! It is Rep. Steve King, the most Mexican man in all of Iowa, who loves Ted Cruz very much:

"They're going to hear it from people like me," said King, who has endorsed Cruz in the first caucus state. "He's a citizen by virtue of his birth to a mother who is an American citizen and a father who soon became one." [...]

"I have no doubt that Ted Cruz's mother was born in the United States and that she has a birth certificate in the United States and that she is also a natural born citizen," King said.

Steve King can talk birth certificates all you want. After all, he's willing to consider the possibility that MAYBE President Obama's parents sent his birth announcement to America via telegraph from whatever Kenyan hut the president was ACTUALLY born in.

[contextly_sidebar id="ByKACuV8i4V3IcyIpnT4pW19oItTsZTd"]But the greater point is that Steve King is America's foremost expert on who is and is not a Latinospanic Foreign. For one thing, as we mentioned above, he IS a Latino, as he Twittersplained to Julian Castro last year. But he also HATES THEM. He also has noticed that Mexican foreigners have "calves the size of cantaloupes," and last time he gave Ted Cruz a footrub, he appreciated how svelte and American Ted's calves felt and tasted.

[contextly_sidebar id="fZLUJW1pINxU2mpeJ9BcYN6JtwGnck0c"] King knows Real Americans come from all the continents on earth, but that Mexican DREAMer immigrants are actually from completely different planets . Ted Cruz? Total earthling.

[contextly_sidebar id="lEtvhIvpsQjqjgNbPLgzYkbbEjVX1WQr"]He's explained that Mexican immigrants fill their little girls with slut pills and "send them down a rape path all the way through Mexico, and it’s a death path on the death train." Ted Cruz's daughters aren't on any of those trains! They're too busy being used as political props, by their dad.

[contextly_sidebar id="Fo3UsDh5NzFJF25cUeCcRh85hIFbcWSz"]The point is that if Ted Cruz showed any signs of being a gross Hispanic foreign, funny Messi-Cuban name notwithstanding, Steve King would have noticed and would have personally deported him already. But he's not, OK? He's the most Americanest American ever, even though he didn't fully gay-marry America until 2014.

So everybody shut up, is the point Señor King is trying to make. Besides, poor Teddy is starting to get defensive about the whole thing, awwwwwww.

[ Bloomberg ]