Nothing makes me wish I had absolutely zero scruples than seeing the dumbass overpriced nonsense that Trump voters will buy simply because someone calls it “not woke” or markets it to them in some other capacity. My God, they will truly buy anything, and often for six times the cost. Food buckets, supplements, beer, gold coins … who the hell knows what else? I could be a chamillionaire by now, but I just have too much shame to come out with Trumpy laundry detergent.
Attendees at this weekend’s Turning Point USA conference were encouraged to quench their unending thirst with Freedom2o water, a water that isn’t “woke.” You know, because water sold in plastic bottles is very infamously “woke.”
This non-woke water will only cost you $21, which is only about $4 more than twice as much Evian will cost you (and $16 more than if you bought a 12 pack of Poland Spring). Freedom, clearly, isn’t free!
An ad for the bottled water, which ran at various points during the conference:
“It’s not just refreshing, it’s rebellious, and it’s unapologetic to drink this in public,” founder Elizabeth White said in the spot.
Behold, the origin story, courtesy of The New York Post:
As for liberals: let them drink Perrier is [Elizabeth] White’s view.
White, 36, who has found success working in auto racing, video games and tech, came up with the idea for Freedom2o while on the sofa of her South Florida home.
“I was watching the Republican debate and a light went on in my head,” White told The Post.
“They cut to a commercial and I saw so many people drinking water. But the water being consumed had no connection to the people drinking it.
“Kevin McCarthy was drinking Dasani — which is left, right and center. If he drank Freedom, I think he would still be Speaker of the House.”
So the issue wasn’t that the water was too “woke,” it’s that it wasn’t actively hateful. To her knowledge.
Because, had White (appropos) “done her own research,” as they like to say, she would have discovered that Perrier is actually owned by Nestle, a very famously not-woke brand … especially as far as water is concerned.
I have not personally witnessed water being this embarrassing since the Manzos (from “Real Housewives of New Jersey”) got in on the ground floor of “blk water.” The water that is black. For reasons of fulvic acid.
The thing is, no one is going to look twice at anyone’s Freedom2o water. No one is going to look at anyone drinking that and go “Oh wow, now that person is a rebel who will never be any good.” The best they can hope for is that they run into someone who’s terminally online, recognizes it, and then makes fun of them behind their back.
Victory?
And why no camo pattern on the label? That would really show the libs.
When I start my so-unwoke-we-are-in-a-coma water brand, it will definitely have camo on the label. And you'll have to open the bottle by shooting at it.
I'm gonna be rich!
Out of curiosity, I poked around the site and found this:
𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐨𝐦𝟐𝐨 𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐖𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦?
𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐨𝐦𝟐𝐨 𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐖𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡-𝐪𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐜𝐞𝐬, 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬. 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐞𝐧𝐯𝐢𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲, 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐎𝐤𝐥𝐚𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐚 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐅𝐥𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐚, 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐧, 𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐞𝐧𝐯𝐢𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬.
Well, then.